Implementation in the emotional controller and controller

The control and controlling are essentially lack of love, the more controlling, the more disorderly. For the controller, he consciously retracted his attention to himself and experienced an out of control in the process. For the control party, it is important to deal with your guilt and tell yourself: It is not wrong to do it completely to obey another person

■ Xu Yahui

Many women encounter such a situation in love. Boys often confessed: "You are the most important, for you and I can not love yourself; as long as you are happy, I am willing to do whatever." At this time, girls can easily be moved. However, I didn't realize that I was walking on the edge of danger, but felt that I found true love.

Boys are highly controlled, girls are low security. Four eyes are opposite, the two loves each other, and the one -click lock. This is a top PUA relationship book.

After the self is sealed

Ignore that you only love each other, what kind of person can do this? The answer is that the self is blocked and there is no chance to really be yourself. In other words, TA's body and mind put on the shell of others, grew up in the process of others. This others are usually parents who raise TA.

To what extent can parents control their children? It is to completely impose their own will to the child, so that the two separate individuals overlap into a person who can meet the desire of the parents. The consequences are that the child becomes a spiritual execution in the future, and the relationship is painful -in the name of love, hard and hard to give the other party to meet their requirements and imagination. Because of this for a long time, TA was treated like this.

People with strong desire to be emotionally areolated

People who are strong in control, when they implement control of others, are difficult to empathize with the feelings of the controlled by the controllers; they also ignore their needs in their early years. Although they seemed to be in the other half, they just put a lot of emotions in the other half, and they actually just moved themselves and put the other party aside. For example, a pair of men and women in love, one Friday, the man rushed to the vegetable market on time, went home to prepare a rich dinner, and returned to share with his girlfriend and other girlfriends. The girlfriend has experienced the client's tricky and the boss's doubt one day. The road on the road is very frustrated at home.

The man who was even more frustrated was the man. He imagined that his girlfriend came back with a smile and praised his cooking scene, which was completely destroyed. At that moment, he could hear his girlfriend's explanation, but he couldn't touch the emotions of the other party because he was still in his frustration experience. So it becomes: I am so good to you, so worry about everything for you, but you ignore and disrespect me so much.

I have paid everything for you, it is the Period of the executioner; it is your fault, you are sorry for me. In this way, the guilt is passed to the other party. When the controlled party agrees with this part, it will really feel guilty, suppress yourself, and obey each other. The perfect PUA closed loop is formed.

What kind of person is the constitution of the controller

Usually one is a person who is extremely lacking in love and low self -worth. The enforcement "I only have you in my eyes" is so popular, and has an extraordinary attraction for the party who desires love. The more you can give up yourself, the more I am moved and satisfied. As everyone knows, this is exactly the premature pavement of PUA's administration to prepare for further breakthrough in the boundary of the other party.

Another possibility of controlling constitution is that in the process of growth, long -term repeatedly break through the boundary by parents, as an obsessive -compulsive duplication, and it will also attract others to break through their boundaries after adulthood. For example, from learning to school selection, from work to searching for the other half, and even after marriage, parents must intervene in the end; in order to prevent themselves from feeling guilty, children need to continue to transfer power to satisfy their parents.

Performers are often unconscious. This model is not only intergenerated, but also parallel to shoot. In various relationships, they try to break through the borders of others without knowing themselves, so that the people around them are disgusted and depressed.

A mother said, "As long as it is for my son, I am willing to everything." This is true, and it is because of the motherhood. Give your child what you think is good, this is one of the ways my mother loves children. But if the child feels hard, such love is worth exploring.

My son's attitude is: I am very resistant to my mother's sacrifice for me. If I met the girl I like to say in the future, I am the most important thing in her life, so I should not go back and hurry up.

This is a boy who is alert to control and clearer self -border.

Faced with control, another girl seemed even more tangled. On the one hand, she was angry with control and worked hard to clear the boundaries. On the other hand, I am also worried: Will I be too selfish? This is the internal conflict faced by many people, and among these people, they still dare not violate their parents, and choose more lives that run counter to themselves.

Speaking of selfishness, this is also a process of co -controlling the control of the control. The controller will worry about the unbearable selfish projection to the controller, and the controller will be worried that he is really a selfish person. But if from the perspective of the controlled person, I must fully accept the wishes of the other party and cannot have my own attitude. Who is selfish?

If a person is interested in controlling others so much, it means that TA is not interested in doing himself. After becoming a parent, TA was only interested in the child's life, and said, "I am for you." In many families, it has almost become the belief of parents. I need you to be part of me and merge with me.

In the internal controller, the needs of the early years of integration were not met, and he had experienced many "out of control" in his heart. After adulthood, I feel that only to control the other person is safe. Although the age and ability can reach independence, the sense of insecurity has never disappeared, and it becomes you listening to me, that is, love me, otherwise you are a white -eyed wolf. Practice and control are essentially lack of love

In summary, the control and control are essentially lack of love, and the sequelae are manifested as unclear boundaries. However, the more controlled, the more disorderly, the independence cannot be independent.

How to break this cycle so that both parties have the opportunity to make some changes?

For the controller, he consciously retracted his attention to himself and experienced an out of control in the process. This out of control is mainly the product left over in the early years, which is more psychologically, not the danger of existence in reality. For example, if you do not pay too much attention to the child, the child will grow up as well as the child.

For anyone, being able to be in the vagueness and uncertainty in life, experience it, tolerate it; not to wait for it to be clear, but to confirm that you can tolerate it. This is an extremely important ability, and it is the so -called growth.

As a control party, it is important to deal with your guilt. A person feels guilty and feels that he feels wrong or thinks he is guilty. This feeling is internalized through rigorous supense.

The language and behavior of the executioner will activate the guilt in the guilt's heart, as if they really do something unforgivable. You can often tell yourself: I just can't do it completely to obey another person, it is not wrong.

In all relations, control and control are not distinct. One of the main points of grasping is that most of the time we should live and develop with ourselves, and at the same time we can respect others; they are willing to make compromises appropriately without feeling too much self -depression.

(The author is a national second -level psychological counselor)

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