The 6 challenges and 6 opportunities faced by marriage will face

Recently chatting with a friend, she said that she has been with the object for many years, her relationship is very good, and she is suitable for all aspects, but she still dares not and does not want to get married. Because she always feels that getting married must bring some changes to the relationship between the two. for example--

"We are so good now, but it is not necessarily after marriage."

"Chai rice oil and salt in marriage, fine and tedious things, may affect feelings."

"After marriage not only to deal with our problems, but also to face the problems of two families ..."

"What if he changes his heart, derailed, his feelings are tired?"

... ...

She said a lot of worries about marriage, and I can clearly feel her fear of the words "marriage". This reminds me of an old saying: marriage is the grave of love

Essence

But is marriage as "terrible" as she imagined? Objectively speaking, what kind of challenges are there in marriage? How can we prevent and deal with it? Today, we want to talk to you about this problem.

Marriage will indeed bring some challenges to intimacy

American psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs (2013) describes the problems and challenges that may involve in marriage life in the book "Marriage Challenge". Specifically, it includes the following six aspects:

Challenge 1: Emotional changes

The excitement when loved was caused by the secretion of dopamine, norepinephrine, and benamine. But this feeling will gradually disappear within 2-3 years as our tolerance increases. In other words, our body structure determines that we cannot love for a long time (WALSH, 1991). But marriage is a long -term and passionate gap. If people misunderstand this change as "the disappearance of love", it is easy to erupt contradictions.

In addition, the relationship between people and people is liquid. The liquidity brings changes and causes emotions. Emotions are the guidance of reminding us to make changes, but many people are used as a natural response to external stimuli. For example, "because the other party has changed, I am angry." Then shirk responsibility, Blame each other, this will also affect feelings (P.181).

Challenge 2: Different living habits

In the stage of love or wedding, people will hide their shortcomings as much as possible, seem to be in line with each other, and maintain their image in the other person's heart. But in long -term marriage, the real habits of the two people will be completely exposed to the other side. At this time, how to deal with differences and whether it can run in is the challenge brought by marriage.

It is not easy to run out of living habits, and it may be more difficult in marriage relationships. This is because any collective life wants to be harmonious and must abide by certain rules, which is called "collective life logic" (adler, 2013).

But the difficulty of marriage is that we often treat each other as their closest person because of a paper marriage book. Because it is intimate, it will ignore the formulation and implementation of the rules, which may cause more friction and conflict.

Challenge 3: Complex family relationship

"Marriage is not only a matter of two people, but also a matter of two families." This view seems a bit old, but in fact, the involvement of complex family relationships is indeed a difficult proposition for the marriage relationship.

Dreikurs believe that when the two people have contradictions, if there is a family of the other party, we will easily turn on the defensive attitude and blame each other and his family. Once such a confrontation is generated, it is difficult to find a solution that both sides are satisfactory (P.219).

"When we are in love, we have less contact with each other's family. I thought his family got along well. As a result ... Hey. After marriage, I was particularly helpless. One was that after we quarreled, his parents would come. ', Saying that I am wrong, this makes me feel very cross -border. The other is that his relatives often find me to do things. Sometimes I am really inconvenient, but he still does not violate others. Inconsistent contradictions, but it really makes people feel consumed and tired. "

—— Xiao Ru, female, married for 3 years

Challenge 4: Sexual life issues

Studies believe that both men and women, sexual desire will have a trend of "growing to peak and then falling":

In other words, in the long -term marriage life, both sides will face a problem of loss of sexual desire and gradually cold. (For more sexual life discord and solution, please poke: 1/5 couples will encounter: there is a kind of not matching, called "sex life does not match".)

Although from the perspective of the changing curve, the decrease in sexual desire is more gentle, but psychological counselor Josh found that once a woman gets married, sexual desire will decrease significantly because women's sexual desire is closely related to "her sexy degree".

When they are single, they may be more attentive in sports, fashion, underwear, and makeup, and they will feel more sexy and enhance sexual arousal. But after marriage, women's focus may turn to family and children, and no longer pay attention to whether they are sexy, but will affect sexual desire and sexual life quality.

Challenge 5: Different educational concepts

Once it is involved in children's education, it is difficult for couples to have no contradiction. Because the educational concept can reveal a person's overall outlook on life, all the philosophy of life (P.275) of a person, the child will learn the way and rules of the world from his parents, and the differences and conflicts of the parent, in addition to affecting the individual of the child Development will also affect family relationships.

"I think it’ s important since I was a child ’s habit. I was strictly managed when I was young. I do n’t have to worry about when I grow up. But my wife thinks that my childhood naughty and playful are natural and should not be suppressed (I do n’t know if she is her childhood I was too strict, so I wanted my child to play wildly ...). But in any case, education differences will make us quarrel on big and small things. Sometimes I doubt whether we are really not really. Suitable together ... "-Jakie, male, 5 years of marriage

Challenge 6: Unexposed personal trauma

When one or two parties in marriage bring the unsolvable trauma experience into the marriage, it is easy to trigger the trauma consciousness because of some inadvertent causes and cause a fierce response (Mark, 2018).

For example, in childhood, a person has been ridiculed by his classmates to ridicule his family. Then, the partner asked TA's family situation or expressed daily concern, which may cause TA's stress reaction. Another example is that a person has suffered betrayal, and any of the partner's "non -normal move" (even if you just look at others), may be suspected.

The relationship may indeed have a certain healing role in a person's original trauma and lack, but if we cannot detect, face up, and solve the trauma in our life journey, we will continue to cover up and attack in marriage, which will only affect the marriage itself.

Don't be afraid to see here. Although the challenges of these marriage exist objectively, ... in fact, it's not so scary! For many people, marriage is still a life stage full of expectations and longing. So, what should I do if I want to continue to maintain a sweet and harmonious marriage relationship after marriage?

The following TIPS,

Maybe it can help you effectively respond to marriage challenges

Faced with the challenges of marriage, in fact, we don't need to make great changes involving values ​​and personality. Some details and intentions in life are enough to help us gain sweet and long -lasting marriage.

Tip1: husband and wife need independent space, and more "common time"

After marriage, couples really need to give each other some independent space, but in fact, most people ignore the importance of "common time together". In a study, researchers found that if the husband and wife were asked to watch romantic movies together, they would improve and help their relationships (Rogge, 2013).

This is because of the "watching love movie together", which provides a scene that provides couples that is not very threatened but can discuss their own relationships. Therefore, you can look at the film and television works related to love, or talk about the love story of friends around you, which will create an opportunity for you to discuss and solve your own relationship.

Tip2: get along in each other, we must adhere to the principle

It seems to be a very simple truth, but it is often forgotten. Persist in "wrong things", that is, if the other party's behavior or something makes you feel uncomfortable, discuss it for specific things without personal attacks.

觉得: This incident makes me feel uncomfortable. I think your handling is wrong. Let's talk about it.

特: You are a particularly selfish person who never consider yourself!

In order to better land on the "not right to the person", you can use the expression of more self -perception, such as "I feel ...", and at the same time ask the other party’s views to promote Communication.

Tip3: Keep in mind #Can't say list #

Judith & Bob (2019) summarizes 6 negatively expressive ways of expression in the book "How to Right" and avoids unnecessary conflicts in marriage to avoid saying the following words in marriage.

Tip4: Learn a good way to apologize and stick to it

When you do something unhappy or disappointed, good apology can effectively repair the relationship, and even make your marriage quality go further. Mira (2005) proposed a "AAA" rule for your reference--

Apology (apologize): Tell TA, you are sorry to make TA disappointed or sad.

Affection: Make a meaningful move that can express love, such as hug or send a small gift for TA.

A Promise of Action: How to make changes after the commitment, note that the commitment to the action is to involve your recovery of things and your specific change direction. One sentence "I will change".

Tip5: Disappearing sexual desire? Try "30 seconds kiss"

In a experiment, the researchers asked heterosexual college students to kiss the music for 15 minutes while listening to music, and found that the level of cortisol -related cortisols in their bodies decreased significantly. Kissing can remove the pressure of life, re -invest and experience love. However, 15min seems to be difficult for familiar couples, so ... try "30 seconds kiss"!

Researchers in California have found that a 30 -second kiss can also stimulate the oxytocin secretion of both parties and promote the best state (2006). Maybe it can help you find "desires" for each other and experience the atmosphere of love. ~

TIP6: Maintain the image of TA in front of your friends and loved ones

Try to avoid frequent degradation, complaining, and abusing your partners in front of relatives and friends. The problem in marriage is something that the two of you have to face and solve, not the war between "TA" and "TAs" to want to have a battle. A 10 -year study followed the interview with 95 couples. It is found that those partners who use positive words to describe their spouses generally go longer, and those who talk about partners with negative information are easier to divorce. In addition, if a person often publicizes his partner, he will also have a deeper appreciation of his partner (DRS & Leslie, 2017).

In fact, the most stable and happiest relationship is the relationship between the power sharing and respect for each other. You will make all important decisions in life, and you will treat two people as a real whole. When encountering a problem, "we" is to solve the problem, not "you or me".

Such a marriage relationship may not be done overnight, but consciously cultivated and poured in common life. In the end, we all need to learn to establish sincere interest in each other and connect with life in a long future life.

Although the marriage is full of challenges, I am still willing to go to danger with you without giving up.

above.

References:

Adler, a. (2013). UndersTnding Human Nature (Psychology Revivals) .routledge.

Dreikurs, R. (2013). The challenge of marriage.Taylor & Francis.

DRS, L & LESLIE, P. (2017) .becom your Spouse ’s Publicist.focus on the Family.

Lee, w. (2005). The weekend marriage: Abundant love in a time-strong world.

Mark a. M. (2018) .when your spouse strikes with pasama.focus on the family.

Natalia, b (2006). THE 3-Peredient Recipe for a Successful Marriage.aleteia.

Rogge, R. D., Cobb, R. J., Lawrence, E., Johnson, M. D., & Bradbury, T. N. (2013). Is skills training necessary for the primary prevention of marital distress and dissolution? A 3-year experimental study of three interventions. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology, 81 (6), 949.

WALSH, A. (1991). The science of love: underStanding love & its effects on mind & body.prometheus books.

Judis Leat & Bob Leit (2019).

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