"Why am I fighting? It's not her forced" | Out of control, the biggest lie in domestic violence

On the evening of the 6th, the poet Yu Xiuhua posted on Weibo that she was slapped by her husband Yang Yanze and was almost strangled.

▷ This Weibo has been deleted

The next day, Yang responded in an interview:

Hit, but she didn't say so much. I hit a dozen slaps, but when I hit her, I was not without any. If I was out of control, she could not post Weibo.

It's wrong to beat people, but there is a hidden feelings. Is it really my fault to force a person who loves her to hit people?

Among these words, there are quite familiar parts of anti -domestic violence workers.

For example, the domestic violence is always good at shirk responsibility, thinking that the other party has mastered my emotional button. I violence, but my reasons are in a certain situation. Violence is not a choice but inevitable:

After drinking, it is easy to get out of control

I know that beating is wrong, she has to force me to do it

She knows how to make me get angry, and she knows how to do this

Native

Out of control, one of the biggest misunderstandings of domestic violence.

Lundy Bancroft, a pioneer in the global domestic violence, had dealt with more than 2,000 domestic violence. He discovered over and over again that the domestic violence was very sober when he implemented domestic violence (or controlling behavior).

However, I don't want to say so ten evils. They can't calculate and plan every movement -to pinch someone's neck or throw a cup to the wall. This is not what he planned in advance ... they will "crazy", but they will never forget their limits.

On the contrary, the nature of domestic violence is dominance and control. because:

1) They can stop at any time during the violence

When a neighbor knocks on the door, friends call, and the police come to the door, the chances of domestic violence stop and interrupt are high. India's anti -domestic violence, Bell Bajao, was inspired by a real event: A strange male software engineer just stopped the violence by pressing the lower doorbell. This move is so effective that the United Nations advocates promoting in many places.

The domestic violence will control themselves. For example, when a police car stopped outside the door, he usually calmed down immediately. After the police entered the door, he would also talk to them. A domestic violence named "Thai" did this: tell the police "what she did." At this time, they looked at her, and then she would be completely out of control. Thailand said to the police: Look, it is not me who is out of control, Bancroft for example.

When a person is angry and violent, in fact, these issues are clearly clear: I do what I do, others know that I will treat me as a bad person after the ins and out? Will I get a lawsuit if I do this? Will I hurt myself? I think what I do is too cruel and violent?

2) The victim is selected

The domestic violence generally believes that the other party provokes their emotions.

But why don't they violently stir up their emotions? For example, the company leaders, people who are more physically older than themselves, strangers on the street. Although they said out of control in their mouths, they actually accurately selected the objects that they were easy to overlook. For example, disabled people, elderly people, women, children, small animals ... and often apply fist feet to parts where the body is unlikely to occur.

So, how do they control themselves when they have the right to exert serious consequences of serious consequences?

▷ "My Genius Girlfriend"

3) Violence is a sense of power

The sense of power means that in intimate relationships, one party believes that they have the power to dominate and control the other party. But the power that the perpetrators think they deserve are usually infringement of the rights of the other party.

Although I did something that might make him angry, he had no right to get angry

He can't talk to any opposite sex

She must wear clothes according to my meaning

She asked me to lose her face in public, but did not do my obligation that women should do.

We are married, so she cannot refuse sex (in other words, I have the right to rape in marriage, she has no right to use her body)

The dominance is not necessarily very extreme. Most of the violence seen by Bancroft will not try to dominate everything, but to regulate a specific range for control. Some domestic violence must be argued no matter what the partner wears, but every time they quarrel; some domestic violence allows his wife and him to quarrel on parenting issues, but if she watched TV not to change the platform, she must be careful.

Studies from all over the world show that domestic violence in heterosexual relations is usually the result of men's desire to exercise power and control of their female partners (Mazibuko, 2017).

The domestic violence has the right attitude of power. They implement domestic violence to punish their partners because the other party tries to get rid of control.

▷ "Like Lie"

4) The domestic violence is neither a monster nor the victim

Although we all know that beating people is wrong, the demonization of the perpetrators often leads to lack of awareness of domestic violence. In all regions and society, there are domestic violence regardless of cities and villages. A man who can add his wife to his wife may have a college degree or above (62.7%) and a decent work.

Researchers believe that it is for this reason that we should use the word "monster" carefully when mentioning the abusers. When we use monsters to describe the abusers, we not only conduct a pathological description of the abusers, but also assume that domestic violence is rare.

Another general statement is that the domestic violence is a victim of the native family, and they are used to hitting people because they are beaten.

Studies have found that 30% of the domestic violence boys became domestic violence. This means that 70% of people choose not to become domestic violence and are committed to ending the violence cycle in their lives -because they have been violent by their families, they will not be domestic violence. This excuse not only rationalized violence, but also a dangerous hint: young people who suffer domestic violence are destined to become violent.

▷ The most important thing is not to let your partner distort your life's life and forcibly enter the center of the screen. Your life should belong to you, you deserve your own life

Simple psychology has a free hotline that has been operating for 7 years, and occasionally receives a call from domestic violence.

In the description of the hotline of the hotline @minji, it belongs to that kind of difficulty call, because it needs to let go of its own judgment and resistance to concentrate on the perpetrators.

——Minji's professionalism refers to the anger of empathy perpetrators (the fragility and desire hidden behind it), but do not agree with the way he expresses anger.

However, violence is not just emotional issues.

Scholars who have been violent for many years will usually tell you: the change of domestic violence is not just to manage anger. He also needs to complete a more difficult task, that is, to change his sense of power.

I have talked with the Chinese white ribbon volunteer network project, and sex with gender expert Fang Gang.

he told me:

Almost all the perpetrators we have contacted have such expressions: In fact, we also yearn for a good life. Who doesn't want family harmony? Who wants to fight yourself all day?

Because after the marriage was destroyed, he was also a victim. He was far away from a happy family, and his child had an indifferent relationship with him. He would not get anything in the process.

The key to changing is that we must recognize the essence of violence, realize that lying violence is wrong, do not make excuses for yourself, and realize that you want to achieve control through violence. Those excuses that you realize are lies. What kind of work is under great pressure, drunk, or accusing the recruited, this is wrong. You must realize these to change.

But I believe that more main responsibilities are men who have been constructed for a long time, lacking reflection on gender inequality.

▷ Fang Gang, the sponsor of the Chinese white ribbon volunteer network project, sex and gender expert

Just learning how to manage anger usually treats the standard and does not cure the root cause, which is invalid for long -term behavior changes.

Because behind anger, they have a set of acquisition values: violence is okay, and I have this power (sometimes I just don't use this power).

They thought wrong. The perpetrators must learn to take responsibility for their actions, and admit that not humiliation and not beating are always a choice.

references

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WHO: UndersTnding and Addressing Violence Against Women

Nanda priya et al. (2014).

Gender Norms and Intimate Partner Violence. Doi: 10.1016/j.jebo.2020.07.024

Rebecca Morley and Audrey Mull

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