How do we face the relationship between derailment and derailment of "Nangong Reading Club"

Issue 118

Hi ~ Hello everyone, I am Nangong Minling. In this issue, we continue to read the content of the derailment in the book. In the last issue, we learned how to discuss various things. In this issue, we will look at how to face derailment.

Part 1: Face derailment

It is easy to derail, but it is extremely difficult to repair the cracks of marriage after derailment. Recently, some studies have proved that if the husband and wife still have to cultivate the injuries of love after derailment, their future is relatively bright.

However, not all marriage can be saved, or it is worth saving. If you want to save your marriage, you first need to face yourself honestly and face your partner honestly. If you are indeed hesitating, it means that you are likely not to have the conditions for repairing marriage.

If the person who is betrayed is you, you may be disappointed with marriage, no matter how your partner begged you. You are likely to recall it involuntarily and guess the reason for the derailment of your partner. You will feel angry, lack of security, self -doubt, and anxiety. These are the symptoms of "post -trauma stress disorder".

Post -trauma stress disorder: refers to the individual experience, witnessing or encountering one or more of the trauma incidents involved in itself or others.

It is not easy to get rid of this bad situation, and it usually needs to be the assistance of experienced therapists.

The author provides a list of questions in this chapter, which will evaluate your marriage status and give a "betrayal index" -s is a rough indicator that can tell you whether marriage therapy has achieved results.

Through comparison experiments, the author found that the probability of misfortune to the marriage in the future is relatively high. I will put the content of the questionnaire at the end of the article.

If you pass the above evaluation, you think your marriage is worth saving. What you have to do next is to find an experienced marriage consultant or therapist who is very experienced in dealing with an affair.

If the therapists you find you suggest that you don't talk about affair and let the past things pass as soon as possible, then you must find another good doctor.

Hidden betrayal in his heart and blindly continuing marriage is a bad idea -even if an affair happened 20 years ago. If trauma cannot be treated, you will never heal.

The suggestion of "forgiveness and forgetting" may be regarded as the most popular wrong therapy today, but it is not the only fallacy. There are often therapists as required that the betrayal party should not have any "control" after discovering an affair. They want to suppress their urge, do not ask the partner's every move, and do not ask the other party to bear responsibility.

This is because these therapists believe that endless suspicion will hinder the repair of marriage. This is by no means! The betrayal of the betrayal needs to be guaranteed, and their marriage will not brew a new crisis in the future, which means that they need to eat a long time of hard work.

If your therapist mentioned any of the following, you need to replace him: (put it in more detail at the end of the text)

It is best not to talk about the affair. Avoid disputes and wait for it to be silent.

Both husband and wife are wrong. The more vague version is: carefully review the psychological causes in your marriage, you will find that derailment is not the fault of betrayal, but also the error of betrayal.

Women's derailment is worse than male derailment.

Native

Even if you can avoid the therapist who represents such wrong ideas, you may not find a thing that fully meets your requirements. But if you know what you should avoid, it will undoubtedly increase the success rate of treatment.

To rebuild trust, we need three stages, namely to make up, coordinate, and contact.

The first stage: make up

First of all, derailment should continue to show regrets -and must face the deep doubts of the partner. Only after this can we rebuild trust.

At this stage, derailment must be patient and cannot be argued for themselves.

If the derailed side insists that the partner betrayed by TA is also responsible for affair, then no matter what TA does, it cannot be counted as a makeup.

At the same time, the betrayal of the betrayal must also make some efforts and leave a trace of room for "forgiveness". If TA has been caught in sadness and anger, the problem between them is unlikely to be solved.

The steps of this stage are:

frank. If there is no thorough analysis of crimes, it will never be possible to break the obstacles of trust. The entire explanation does cause huge pain, but this step is very important.

A study involved in 1083 testors showed that when discussing an affair, if the betrayal was willing to answer the question, their marriage still has a probability of 86%. 59%.

Change, transparency and verification. It is not enough to confess, and it should not only be honest, as well as the same for the past. This means that betrayal must allow the partner to deceive him to check his schedule, telephone records and credit card bills, and so on. This kind of behavior is an infringement of personal privacy. It seems unfair, but it is necessary.

For the marriage that is struggling in the dismissal pain, behavior verification and transparency must include the most subtle things. For example, you must go home at the time of appointment.

Where is the problem?

Only by exploring the hidden love can we prevent affair again in the future. Remember, the purpose of you to do this is to understand all this, not to blame each other. One person to do things and one person, assume responsibility is an essential part of the treatment process. Why return to the family?

The betrayal of the betrayal needs a clear explanation. If TA is vague, his partner will feel that rebuilding trust may not be wise, and even if trust really establishes, it will not last long.

The cost of derailment in the future is too high. The betrayer must accept such a fact: if there is any unfaithful behavior in the future, it will mean the end of marriage and no room for discussing.

Start forgiveness. This is the last step in the "Atonement" stage. The injured party accepted an apology and began to forgive the partner's fault. But this does not mean that it is exempted from sin.

Here, "forgiveness" means that the betrayal of the betrayal is willing to cooperate with his partner and try to give TA trust again -even if it is unknown in the future.

We can use gaming theory to explain how "forgiveness" operates in such circumstances. The most well -known game theory of trust and betrayal is undoubtedly the so -called "prisoner's dilemma".

Akserrod conducted a careful study of the prisoner's dilemma. This is the case of a typical prisoner:

The police filed two prisoners respectively, hoping that they would plead guilty. The two prisoners have previously agreed to refuse to plead guilty -but neither they know whether another person will keep their promises.

If both prisoners keep their promises and refuse to plead guilty, they will be released without guilty, or only accept very light punishments.

However, if one of them betrayed her associates and acknowledged the crime, TA could become a stain witness and shorten the sentence, and the other would extend the sentence.

If they all recognize sin, both will enter prison.

Obviously, trust agreement and refusal to confess can bring the best benefits to the whole. But in order to implement this strategy, they must give up their personal interests and trust cooperation with each other.

During the marriage consultation, the betrayer has both the mistake, so TA must strictly follow the treatment process and strive to win the trust of his partner. The victim's party must also be aware of. After that unfortunate incident, if his partner continues to express his remorse and atonement, he hopes to be forgiven, and TA should not refuse to rebuild his feelings.

The important factor to maximize cooperation is that participants' behavior after violation of the agreement. In order to win the trust of the other party, the betrayer needs to insist on cooperation in all the cooperation since then, even if the other party does not want to cooperate, he will not give up.

The second stage: emotional coordination

Deeply understanding and understanding partners is the ultimate magic weapon to prevent affair.

Both partners must also re -learn to control the conflict to prevent fainting and push them further and further.

Third stage: contact

So far, the author has not mentioned sex -usually, this is the most difficult problem to face after an affair.

In long -term intimacy, sex represents a healthy interdependence and can meet the intimate demands of both partners. This connection has the ability to stop foreign temptations.

Communicating love with sex is not only good for the partner who reconstructs emotions after an affair. It is also essential for the feelings that are difficult to recover from all types of betrayal.

Part 2: What can't be said

From the perspective of many partners, direct talk about sex will cause everyone to fall into a very embarrassing situation. People may not know how to speak, or they need to drunk themselves to be brave. It is difficult to resort to the language. The core of the problem is that I am deeply ashamed, or I am afraid of being rejected.

However, for partners, especially those who are difficult to repair the relationship after an affair, frankly talking about sex and sexual desire is very important for building profound, loving and passionate partner relationships.

However, not all love experts agree with the author's statement that emotional cultivation and sexual life are complementary.

Some therapists claim that if you want to enjoy the best sex, you cannot maintain too close feelings with your partner. This statement is not very common now, but it is popular in history.

The author does not oppose such a statement: Perhaps for some people, keeping a distance from a partner can make sex more attractive.

However, in the research results, it was found that in long -term marriage and love relationships, emotional exit of emotionalism cannot promote any type of sex, and its role is exactly the opposite.

The reason why these partners are satisfied with sex is not to keep the distance, but to shorten the distance as much as possible.

Research data show that in the families of existing children, only 33%of people are satisfied with sex. The reason why these partners feel satisfactory is not to keep the distance, but to shorten the distance as much as possible, and often embrace, caress or make other intimacy.

The partner who is satisfied with sex not only has more intimate benefits, but also treats sex priority.

It is believed that love -mixture of love and commitment -cannot be described in language. but it is not the truth.

The author believes that we can clearly write the scientific definition of love. We know that cherishing your partner (as advocated by actively comparing) can effectively prevent marriage from slipping to derailment.

Therefore, the author defines "love" as "the friendship training and encouragement of the friendship between the two sides to cherish each other, and believe that the other party is unique and irreplaceable thoughts and behaviors."

And define "passion" as "a kind of strong and may not be obsessed with the partner, including desire, curiosity, and sexual attraction." If you can have two at the same time, combine love and passion, you can get you can get it, you can get it, you can get it. Trust of intimacy.

Most books that provide love and marriage guidance are only talked about when they talk about sex. And those books that talk about sex and pleasure also rarely involve other aspects of husband and wife life.

The author must break the tradition and talk frankly and in detail about sex.

Some studies have pointed out that women who can share sex with her husband are 5 times more likely to be satisfied with sex.

Why is language communication so important to women?

The first is physiological reasons. In the report of researcher Cher Heidi, 70%of women cannot reach orgasm through sexual intercourse, and they need additional assistance to reaching the climax.

The second is that women and men are different, and they will not see orgasm as the only purpose of sex. Women think that the pleasure of sex lies in intimate contact, not orgasm itself.

It is also found that women who are uncomfortable with sex with their partners are far more discomfort than men.

So, how can we talk more frankly? This is to use the intimate communication skills mentioned earlier, as well as the Geterman-Rapopper blueprint introduced in this book.

There is a survey that evaluates sex, love and passion in marriage, and I will put it at the end of the article.

For many heterosexual partners, before having sex, if you can have a fixed program or ritual, you can ensure the effect of sex.

The famous sex therapist Langni Barbucks suggested that partners divide sexual desire into level 1-9 to communicate. Level 1 means "still forget", level 5 indicates "I may be persuaded by you", and level 9 indicates "good wow, of course".

A person can say, "Now, dear, I'm 8 or 9."

Another person can say, "So, I'm 5. It's better to kiss first, see what will happen?"

If you use this method introduced by Barbucks to express rejection, there will be no suspicion of personal attacks.

In men's opinion, sexual desire is needed, and then sexual and intimate contact; but for many women, sexual desire will come after intimate contact.

For a partner who wants to admit sex, the biggest difficulty may be that you can't find the appropriate language to express: what do you want, what do you do to bring the greatest sexual pleasure to your partner.

The author provides a detailed list for you to use it in sex talks. The specific content will be attached to the end.

The author also provides a suggestion that makes sex more passionate. You can pick three of them from it, make one a week, and the content is the same.

In the end, the author provides some romantic words. It will have a better effect when you get better, for example: I am yours, I like to hold you with you ... Specific examples are attached to the end.

All right! The content of this issue is over here. In the second part, Dr. Geterman uses a whole chapter to discuss sex and marriage, put forward many suggestions for improving sexual experience. The content of the second part can be used to enhance the relationship.

There are many methods and investigations mentioned in the book. Because of the limited space, all are placed in the keyword reply. The keywords in this issue are: "The game of love 118".

This is Nangong Reading Club. I am Nangong Minling. Follow me and start reading a reading journey with me. It improves 10%every day!

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