I should be myself, not the widow of an idealist

Earlier this year, Jiang Xun, the founder of Model Bookstore, fell from the second floor when he moved the book in the warehouse, and died unfortunately. His departure seems to have a certain fateful taste, which makes people regret sighing. He loves books, collects books, pursues beauty, and pursues extremes. In 2014, he opened the first bookstore on Yangmeizhu Xie Street. In 2019, he opened the first church bookstore in China. The dome was towering. The light came in from the colorful glass window.

Jiang Xun is a poet, painter, book -frame designer, and carved collector, and is an idealist. His suddenly died, leaving his wife Xing Na not only sadness, but also the ideal bookstore with ideal poured, together with the cultural symbols behind it, and nearly 20 million yuan in debt. In order to operate 6 bookstores, Jiang Xun once borrowed money everywhere, and once repaid houses and repay his debt.

A 40 -year -old woman lost almost everything overnight and will face various difficult problems. How to face the operation and debt dilemma of the bookstore, how to understand the almost enthusiastic and stubborn idealism of her husband, and whether to be bound by this legacy -a wife, to make her choice.

The following is Xing Na's description-

Wen ｜ Zhai Jin

Edit ｜ Chu Ming

Figure ｜ Interviewees provided (except for special labels)

1

The longest time in my life was that I received a phone call saying that my husband Jiang Xun had an accident. I asked what happened, and the other party didn't know. After 40 minutes, I rushed to the hospital in Tongzhou. I thought a lot and many things along the way. Where did he fall? Can I answer the phone? What to do. As a result, the doctor said he was not saved. I said I was going to see my husband's last side, and he said you have to ensure your emotional stability. I sent Jiang Xun to the funeral home and kissed him across the mask.

That day was January 16th, and I came to Beijing for the 19th year. I met Jiang Xun on the third day when I came to Beijing. I got married two years later. The third year of my child was born. I bought a house in the fourth year. Now I am 40 years old and have nothing.

Regardless of spring, summer, autumn and winter, he washed his hair barely. You feel that he is so strong that he will not disappear like that. We have thought about the elderly life many times. I told him that I pushed you to the Earth Temple Park every day. As long as you look at other women, I will throw you here.

A few months before he left, he was doing live broadcast, three times a week, from 7:30 pm to 12 pm, left the bookstore at 2 am, went home for a supper, and then started his design work. When there were 6 bookstores before, he ran once a day. The first stop was Yangmeizhu Xie Street, the second stop was a flyover. In the third stop, he would go to the poetry space. In the afternoon, he went to the two stores in Haidian. Will go to the financial street store. He needs to run almost 30 to 40 kilometers every day. So I think he may be too hard, which makes him very very tired.

He is a person who never treats pressure as stress, and he will do the extreme. After he left, I started taking over the bookstore, and I would feel that a shop earned 50 yuan a day. Why do you want to open it? For many people, there are two shops that do not make money, then I immediately shut down and cut off all the consumption things now, but Jiang Xun, he will want to be bigger and stronger. You say this is his stubbornness. OK, or his ambitions, he is such a person.

If he is not such a person, it is difficult for the model bookstore to be like this, becoming the cultural landscape of the city. We are difficult to open all the stores. Every bookstore is very difficult to talk about, and the negotiations are very long. For example, the first store opened in 2014. On Yangmeizhu Xie Street, we have never done a bookstore before, and the Dasailan Investment Company, which is responsible for operation and development, does not believe that we can do it. At that time, we rented the entire yard, but the most beautiful and the last house was a nail household. Without renting, Jiang Xun said to the property of the property, "You can rest assured that I will get along well with him. We accompanied the house for 3 months. We left before we slept every day. We must come after waking up because he had to go to the bathroom outside.

Jiang Xun is a very ideal person. He has always wanted to open a bookstore in the church. He tried everything to find the only church in China that could be rented out to the outside world, and turned a warehouse that did not see the sky into an net red bookstore. I feel that I am in the poetic space. It turns out that there are really such as Book Paradise in this world. Every time he came back and showed me the photos, including those particularly beautiful dome. He is a person who is particularly willing to share, you can't listen. All of our bookstores owe the most rental rental stores in the poetry space, one or two million yuan a year.

Model Book Board · Poetry Space, one corner of the picture source Visual China

Jiang Xun is not a person who does not understand business. He believes that he has the keenness of businessmen and has some preferential subsidy policies to go there to open a shop. But gradually, the best profit of the financial street from the best profit from the rent to the rent -up money for six payment. From the beginning, he did not want to get off from any store, and later felt that the pressure was too high, and then closed two stores including Financial Street at the end of last year.

The physical bookstore industry has not been good in recent years. When the epidemic was the worst, we tried to pick up the dragon in the group and try to bring the goods live. The Model Book Board does not do standard products, all of which are niche antiques, artworks, and carvings. We only do live broadcast in the micro -pattern. Each income is 20 to 30,000 yuan, and 3 times a week, with a revenue of up to 160,000 yuan. For physical bookstores, the income is very good, and the owners who owe the rent will also have some confidence in us. Jiang Xun was still mentioning one week before, and according to the current live situation, we can immediately buy a house in a suburban house. I have no particularly strong material desire for life. During his epidemic, he decided to sell more than 200 square meters of houses near the country. I didn't pay special attention to it. I always felt that the debt would be reduced after selling it, and life would be smoother. The two of us never felt that selling houses was a thing. Later, when renting a house, I still felt particularly happy because I like a high house. I live on the 17th floor. You can see the entire CBD. When the window, Jiang Xun went out, and I nesting on the sofa.

In the past six months, my life is like being pressed for a pause. I also suddenly became a person who was going to support the entire model of the book. As for how to deal with his funerals, how to pay back, and how big the storm may be faced. I have been warning heavy rain in my heart. Do n’t go out today and make everything well, but I found that the heavy rain did not come, but the next day the rain was one day and one night. Rain always comes down when you are not prepared.

After Jiang Xun's death, Xing Na was in front of the commemorative flower beam in the poetic space

2

For a while, I looked at myself in the mirror. It seemed to be more than 20 years ago. I was thin and basically didn't eat, but the mental state was so good. Later, it was gradually found that the problem could not be solved. The heart was very tangled, resistant, and the pressure was very high. At that time, I was holding myself, pillowing my heart, often having nightmares, and waking up every day.

The property staff next to the bookstore watched me outside every day, sometimes smoking, and sometimes talking about things. He was very good to me. Sometimes the guests came, and I told him that I would borrow President Jiang's parking space in a while. He said that there was no President Jiang in the future, only Mr. Xing. I was dressed in stubborn. He said that you want to wear a little bit, saying that every time Jiang came to wear a small woolen coat, he was full of energy. I said I was not him, and he said, you have to take a responsibility.

Everyone hopes that Jiang Xun's spirit and influence will continue, and I hope that the Model Book Company will continue. I once also clearly knew that the identity of "widow" may mean more responsibilities, and I couldn't put everything out of everything. As Jiang Xun's wife, all I can do at this stage is to protect these four bookstores.

I didn't have any thoughts about making money before, and I never asked the business status of the bookstore. When my daughter was very young, we were in the bookstore, and I read a book next to me. She was sitting behind the receipt platform to settle accounts and said how much money did you make today? I said what this is doing, this is your dad's job. She said, you still have to have snacks.

I once thought about making a bookstore by myself, but Jiang Xun couldn't give me any shop. He felt that I didn't understand the book. I felt that I didn't do anything, which was the biggest contribution to the model bookstore.

He is a person -to -person person. All stores choose books and arrangements, including where a pot of flowers are placed, what flowers are placed, and what the cups and pots are used. Later, I asked the head of the store, why don't you make a decision? They said that when you bought a flower and put it there, he would let you retreat, and he needed him to make a decision.

I told myself in the subconscious, or let him come. After all, there was this person at that time. Those words seemed to be a joke. He said you didn't do it. Why did I say I couldn't? Now I really take over the bookstore, but I have to face a lot of problems. It is not that my mental state is good. It can be solved by calling for two days and staring at the bookstore every day.

During the time when Jiang Xungang left, I slept at 1 am every day, starting at 6 am, prepared all documents, go to the bookstore at 10 o'clock, leave at 6 o'clock in the evening, and meet again at night. I can't run a bookstore a day like him, go to two stores a day, and I can continue every day to persist, and I am tired. In an interview with a video, I fell asleep while changing the camera. He used to say that I was a "sauce tank" brain, which was very chaotic. In fact, I could think of many things: the day of the 15th is the day when the bookstore paid the salary. Division of the account.

Xing Na handle bookstore affairs

I also have to respond to various lawsuits and debts. I couldn't sleep on the evening of the first trial, and I didn't know what would happen, and I received three lawsuits a day, and I felt normal. If you owe a person's money, you want to pay back the money immediately, and if you owe so much money, everyone is worried about you, fearing that you will die. The supplier wanted me to resolve the arrears in the first two days, saying that he wanted to pay the child tuition, and I wrote a lot of words. I wanted to say that my child was going to school. Tell him these.

The model book bureau is facing transformation, and many friends have also wanted to help the book bureau. For example, Yu Minhong wants to help sell books, but our books are all non -standard products. Fan Deng wanted to help us sell a reading card, but if you think about it, I don't want to say that everyone's sympathy for us and the trust of Fan Deng. Later, Fan Deng's wife said that he would help us for a charity sale. I prepared the opening wine party and dinner, and finally sold a total of 1.06 million yuan. Relying on this cash flow, the bookstore supported for a month before being seized and resolved the urgent need. If there is no epidemic, this auction can continue, and the business of the bookstore will be much better than now. Jiang Xun always wanted to open the model book bureau to other places before his life, Qingdao, Chengdu, and Fuzhou, but he couldn't go anymore. Live broadcast is our only way out. I told investors and shareholders about the power of live broadcast. They would doubt that when Jiang Xun was in, he could use the knowledge of his book to infect others, but can I do it with my ability?

People have nothing to go to middle age, and I have to go through what should not be experienced. I was really confused at the time. For me, whether it is my business, it seems my business now, so I have to control my emotions slowly and try to advance things. My mother is particularly worried about my body. I have done surgery. As long as I get angry, the position of the knife mouth will swell. After Jiang Xun left, my wound was swollen. Everyone around me also advised me to drink less and smoke less, although these will make me a short sense of freedom.

I have sent everything in the WeChat circle of friends. I am okay, I can stick to it. Within 72 hours of Jiang Xun, I basically didn't cry. The next day I called all the employees and told everyone everything, and the employees were crying better than me.

A painter friend helped me invite a psychologist, and persuaded me to persuade me that you don't need to be so rational and don't need to be so elegant and decent. The psychologist also said that I was very rational, and even my daughter was more rational than me, but she couldn't do it like this. I said I couldn't release it. At that time, the whole person was stunned and told him that he did not need to cry in front of anyone. Instead, I was easier to cry.

The first shop on the Model Board of Yangmeizhu Xiejie Street

3

I dreamed not long ago, I dreamed that I had a very small bookstore. The shop was decorating. When I went out to pour garbage, I thought that all the books in this shop had to choose. This was my own shop. Later, I thought, no, so I became him again.

I woke up every morning and thought that if there was nothing about Jiang Xun today, it would be fine, but I haven't had it in the past six months. I told the clerk that no one can call me. If there is something bigger than Jiang Xun, you can call me. In the past six months, my own things have stagnated, and my life has been completely changed. I have not participated in the dinner, nor have I updated the personal WeChat public account.

I once asked Jiang Xun, why the company's legal representative wrote my name, but he would not answer well, just like I asked him why he loved me, and he never answered me well. He is a very self -made person, saying a little bit, and a very selfish person. You use 100 yuan for collection, leaving at least 20 lives, but he won't. He will not give more homes except for the tuition of the child, and he does not take time to accompany us. So I thought it was a big problem at the time. He gave me a gift, and he gave me his collections. He was called to me, but he was actually him.

I am not sensitive to numbers. All the problems I have encountered now may not be figurative, but I just think this is a trouble. Sometimes I also think that he asked me to be a legal representative at the beginning because I didn't care about anything. I had no heart and would not interfere with him.

Jiang Xun is 12 years older than me and is with him. I do n’t have to worry about many things. I have been comfortable for 19 years. I worked in the media before. At the age of 26, I was the director of the editorial department of the fashion magazine. When I was in my career, I was very inflated. I attended various wine clubs every day and changed to a hair color every two weeks. I felt that I could have everything. Later, my dad died and hit me a lot. I told myself to give my daughter all my daughters and resigned as a full -time mother. At the same time, I also do freelance writers to write a lifestyle column.

Jiang Xun and Xing Na

What I am best at and like is eating, drinking and playing. When I go to any city, I will tell you, where you must go, where to live, what to eat, and where is the most unknown corner of this city. This is what I study.

My husband and I are completely different. He is a collection, this is also necessary, and that. My daughter and I have always said that he is a bad one, I don't know why he likes to save things so much. What I like is feelings, and there is nothing in life. I moved out of the selling house, and I only brought a Zen chair, a bookshelf, my daughter's wardrobe, some books, and others were gone.

If he finds what fun, he will buy a bunch of back. For a while, the bookstore sells dice and sells very well. After selling six sides, eight sides, forty sides, and selling three hundred sides, he puts all the dice. Qi, this is his majestic vitality.

In the past, we were dating every week in Panjiayuan, visit all the ancient bookstores in Beijing, and go to the auction. At that time, you felt that the world was open in front of you. When I knew him, he started to start a business and draw a sketch renderings, three thousand yuan. At that time, he could buy very expensive boots and records, but he all said that the collectors were poor, unless the money came from the ancestors, because all the money he made was basically bought a collection. There are many people who specialize in Liulichang for carving, and he is almost the only buyer. He likes carving very much, and thinks that the carving is the mother of the book.

One day he saw a large carved version, which was the door god of Wu Qiang's New Year, which was very beautiful. After seeing Jiang Xun, he didn't leave, and he turned around all the time, watching around for two or three hours. I said you want to buy it if you like it. He said it is very expensive. A carved version is 1,800 yuan, which is 2003, and my salary is about 1,000 yuan. Later, we got on the car. He still said, saying how good this thing is, how rare, and the front and back are good. I said I don't want to listen to you anymore, do you have this money on your body? Can you live next worship? He said yes, I said you go back to buy it.

From that moment, I told myself that what he liked asked him to buy it. I basically would not interfere with him because I felt that he knew the value of these cultural relics, and it was not my money. Although the two of us are husband and wife, they are relatively independent, you buy if you have money.

He liked to draw and collect books from a very young age. He painted all parts of his hometown, at the gate of the courtyard and the cabinet. In his teens, he liked "Old Man and the Sea" most, but felt that the cover was not good, so he drew a cover and pasted it. His "Yi Tian Tu Long Ji" is missing, and he cuts the words on the waste dictionary one by one and posted it.

My friends said that Jiang Xun didn't like food. Later, I gradually knew that he did not like food, but had no time. All the diet he liked was a meal for three or five minutes. Beef ramen, stripes, and oil noodles were splashed. This is what I understand after he left. I basically had a meal a day during that time. My mother sent me a message. I only returned for two or three hours because someone kept coming to me to talk about things.

Although I do n’t understand that he sacrificed his life, he understood his neglect of life. He did n’t care about wearing, not eating, not a sense of ritual, and not spending time with us because he really had no time. I don't make excuses for him.

Can you imagine that the biggest entertainment of a bookmaker and artist is the seeds of melon? I was very opposed to his melon seeds, especially when I was reading and chasing the drama, there was always a voice, "Ka Ka Ka Ka", just like the mouse at home. I have this noise to him every day, and I said that you don't want to make the seeds anymore, I beg you. He said this is my biggest entertainment event.

His idealism comes from his favorite books. He is willing to share with others and talk about his relationship with books. But holding his ideals and paying for his ideals, he had to do business. He didn't rest for 365 days for 365 days. He wanted to convince him with his persistence and hard work. Even if we sell the house and use all the money to do these things, he is not reckless. He said that he had been doing something that was not self -motivated, and finally offered his life. I don't think there are no people like him in this world.

He wrote a poem called "Epiphany and Love and Hate", "Apart from the moment of understanding and love, the flowers are full of flowers, and the rich and rich are today." You say I love him or hate him, I can't tell. There are two keys, and his key is a bunch of piles. Which key is marked on it. I don't blame him to bear these things, and I think what he does is valuable. He created today's model book.

Jiang Xun and his collection

4

But why do I have to accept these? When you want to give up, there are so many, intermittent.

Liang Wendao talked to me and said that you are very difficult now, but believe that your window is opened and don't be dragged by this bookstore. Xu Zhiyuan also said that there was no absolute love for business shops.

Jiang Xunneng insisted because he was too enthusiastic, and he didn't feel tired. He enjoy this process. Sometimes we quarreled. He said that we did nothing, so we would accompany you to open a shop shop, and we could draw every day, but he could not give up the bookstore. But for me, this is not what I want to do, and I am not a bookstore.

I would also think, if we change positions, he is my wife, I am gone, would he help me write food reviews and WeChat public accounts? Need not.

Perhaps the model bureau is still different. It is not easy to come today. I also hope that this brand can keep going. Every day there are all kinds of people who want to see me, and everyone is very concerned about bookstores. I was very stubborn before, and I also wanted to carry the banner of the model book. At that time, I particularly liked "The Lonely" and felt very burning, but later I found that it was meaningless to ignite myself. Although I occasionally give my chicken blood, I cannot turn myself into a strong woman, and I have to inherit the legacy of the dead husband. I want to know what is my business, what is my business, even if it is related to my husband. He is gone, martyrs for this industry, I can't burn myself anymore.

I used to hope that my daughter had read the model of the model after reading the book. We also said that she was the second generation of the book. But now I don't think so, I have my life, and so is my child.

If I reflect, I think Jiang Xun did not build a barrier between his career and his family, and caught everything in the bookstore. This is his biggest problem. If there is a good team to assist him at first, he only needs to grasp the direction, which will not cause today's situation. It's useless to blame him now. People have gone. I can only toss myself. I now set up a team to help me bring the bookstore to the right track together. They are more professional. I cooperate with them more to decide which stores need to be closed, or they go to other cities to develop less rent. I decentralize to everyone and tell them what I am good at and not good at doing. If someone tells me now, it can make the exemplary book bureau better, then I have no problem, I can give it to you, as long as you pay attention to the physical bookstore.

Jiang Xun has always been a bloody blood, and his life is rushing forward. I feel that sometimes it can slow down. The physical bookstore is the acting of the whole society. A bookstore has its destiny, just like my husband.

I remember he had watched a movie named "Happy Voice", crying very evil, making me and my daughter feel very faceless. The movie tells a theater story and a theater that is particularly not profitable. They want to make the theater well, so they planned a singing draft, but all of them came from all kinds of unreliable people. Everyone was in the predicament, but then everyone gathered together and cured each other with singing. Jiang Xun is a very happy and enthusiastic person who can inspire everyone. When there is almost no sentimental, there is very few times of fragility, but that time he cried very hard, saying that this was not me? Finding investors has been failed. I can particularly understand him at the time.

The debts he left have to be repaid slowly. I can't make so much money at once. It is difficult to solve it overnight, but there are always solutions. After the solution, where should I go? I want to live my own life instead of becoming Jiang Xun's widow.

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