Only those who really "love themselves" will have 5 kinds of performance

Recently, we saw a message in the background:

"Miss Sister, I have seen the consultant for half a year, and every time she tells me: you have to learn to love yourself.

In my life, when my friends and my family see my emotions, I also advise me to love myself. I also know the importance of loving myself. However, no one told me how to love myself and what exactly did it love myself? "

Love yourself is a well -known but confusing topic. Especially in the era of high -speed operation today, the world of adults is inevitable: work pressure, frustration of feelings, loneliness of confusion, emptiness, and drowning ...

Faced with these difficulties and trauma, more and more people have begun to emphasize the importance of loving themselves.

But what exactly love yourself? What do you want to do to love yourself?

Today we will talk about this topic.

What is true love?

Khoshaba (2012) pointed out that self -love is "a state of self -support. This state grows through the behavior of supporting our body, psychological and mental growth." Specifically, love myself includes the following five aspects:

1. To a certain extent to meet self -needs

It is normal for people to have desire and need. To meet your own needs within a reasonable range is to respect and pay attention to yourself. This can help us build self -care and get happiness from it.

Moreover, if we can meet the needs stimulated by internal motivation, rather than the needs of external factors (such as the status of social construction), the happiness and sense of accomplishment we can experience will be higher (Maslow, 1943).

"I have been saving money crazy before, and the epidemic has changed my thoughts. If tomorrow may not necessarily come, what's the point of all this? I moved a part of the deposit to make a 'enjoy fund', and the favorite sneakers are finally included in the pocket, and I am reluctant to register. The studio also reported in class. The happiness of self -satisfaction made me feel new and realized the vitality and hope of long -lost. "

—— Xiao Wu, male, 28 years old

"After the age of thirty, I started to learn to live a good life. The money that had been" drunk life and dreamed "now has spent some consumption that improves the quality of life and physical maintenance, such as small home appliances, massage and conditioning Chinese medicine. When satisfying the real demands of psychology and body, I got a kind of consumer entertainment, greater comfort and happiness than the purposeless. "

—— Mirror, female, 31 years old

2. Care about self -feelings and stay away from people and things that make them suffering

In some cases, because we are afraid of conflict, or out of the mentality of good people, we unconsciously enter a "PeOPLE-PLEASING": do a behavior that violates self-willingness, or forced ourselves to continue to suffer pain.

This state seems to maintain a friendly image and harmonious relationship. In fact, it is to avoid and suppress the true feelings of the individual.

The real love for myself is to be able to act decisively after receiving the signal of "I don't want" in my heart. When you are uncomfortable, Say No, timely draw away in time, not only take the initiative to perceive your feelings, but also care and take care of it, and let yourself return to a healthy state.

"I used to be difficult to accept the disappointment of others after being rejected. After realizing the injury to myself, I started to practice rejection. Every time I promise others' request for 2 minutes, ask my true thoughts for 2 minutes. The boundary. Training yourself is not easy to follow your heart, but it is greatly helpful for improving self -happiness and a sense of accomplishment. "

—— lavishry, female, 25 years old

"I have been tortured by EX to be unable to live normally. He derailed, and then begged me to forgive me, he was cold violence, and then compensated me. I also tried to break up, but he would constantly entangle. The determination to leave this depleted relationship is that I learn to love love In my first step, I can finally come out from the abyss of despair. Now I have lived well, thank myself for letting go. "

—— July, female, 27 years old

3. When you see the limitations of yourself, you have the ability to admit and accept yourself

Many times, we think that self -criticism is one of the ways to promote our progress. In fact, it does not necessarily play a role in power, but it will make us disappointed ourselves in constant denial and comparison, thereby losing action (Bernard, 2019).

A person who loves himself is self -frank, can perceive his true thoughts and external reality, honestly acknowledge his current situation, but at the same time accept such himself. TA will not feel anxious about its limitations, and can act and live based on objective self -worth.

"When I first graduated, I would die with a job for a long time and refused to admit defeat. Instead, after getting older, the project was released, and the job was resigned. After the ability and needs have clear cognition, you can make more responsible decisions. People, you must not enter, but there is no need to force yourself too much. "

——David, male, 33 years old

4. Facing the fault in the past, you can forgive yourself

Those who love themselves have the ability to accept the mistakes made in the past, will not deny the past, or blindly immerse in self -regret or self -punishment (carson, 2006).

TAs can face their own shortcomings and faults, objectively look at the significance of these things in life, draw nutrients from them, and constantly adjust themselves to avoid repeating the same mistakes and get promotion and growth. "I used to do a lot of excessive things and forced their predecessors to leave. Later, I couldn't help but reflect on the elbow of falling in love with others. The less I don't look like myself. I may be difficult to get out of the original guilt and regret, but I know that only when I can forgive myself can I have a better life in the past. "

——Sheng, female, 30 years old

5. Self -affirmation, will not easily shake due to external evaluations

"What am I" is important to myself, and this cognition is based on self -consciousness rather than the values ​​of others.

A person who is easily affected by the outside world can easily be drowned in the noisy sound, and cause self -blame and doubt. Not only will you become anxious, but you will also be unable to express yourself because of the fear of evaluating others, and you will lose the opportunity to build a real and deep connection with others.

"I have been introverted since I was a child. I am afraid of talking in the crowd. Worried about what I said wrong, or offending others. But accepting and compromising will only make myself suffer more neglect or even bullying. It's easy, but also a kind of strength and bravery. "

——Stone Kai, male, 23 years old

"I have encountered PUA real. He often says 'you seem to be fat recently' or" How can someone like you so badly. "At first I was really frustrated. Run. This is a bad relationship, but the advantage is that I have realized a reverse self -firmness: the more he degrades me, the more I start to discover the goodness of myself. I don't need you to love me, I will only love it more more Myself."

——Meeli sauce, female, 27 years old

Which behaviors are not really love yourself?

Love yourself is a matter about personal growth. But now, this concept is gradually being used by consumer culture and marketing. For example, "Woman is to be good for yourself" "I should do myself for a year."

Behind these slogans is potential consumption guidance. But it not only promotes us to consume, but also allows us to deviate from the understanding of "love ourselves": love has gradually become an excuse for "personal needs rationalization".

Therefore, to understand what is true of self -love, we still need to break some misunderstandings about loving ourselves:

Misunderstanding 1: Love yourself is to meet all needs and indulge in desire

Truth: indulgence will not make people feel really happy. The happiness after desire is completely satisfied is one -sided. After addiction, it will only be farther and farther away from the real life.

Selection is not to love yourself, but it is a damage to yourself. When we started to be controlled by desire, we lost our independence and creativity as a person.

Misunderstanding 2: Love yourself is self -centered, your own interests first

Truth: Self -love is not the same as selfish. The selfish person not only does not have the ability to love others, but also does not have the ability to love themselves.

Floom (1956) proposed that selfish people lack really concerned about themselves, do not know their needs, and cannot get satisfaction from themselves. As a result, the TAs can only constantly grab the satisfaction from others and from others.

The TAs seem to pay attention to themselves, and they are actually trying to cover up and compensate the failure that cannot really pay attention to themselves. And a person who is capable of loving himself will not be satisfied by asking for, and can give him more active and love others.

Misunderstanding 3: Love yourself is self -reliance and no longer work hard

Truth: Accepting your own limitations does not mean giving up changes and self -improvement.

Love yourself is self -regulating based on this limitations of this limitations, setting a well -ended and reasonable goal. TAs can achieve more gentle, practical and reliable progress, and do not fall into self -doubt because they cannot achieve some unrealistic goals or suffer setbacks.

Misunderstanding 4: Love yourself is ignoring your own shortcomings and faults

Truth: A person who avoids and ignores his shortcomings will continue to repeat the same mistakes; a person who cannot reconcile with the past will only live in self -punishment. In the process of entanglement with regrets, TA's own development has also been hindered.

Love yourself means that a person can objectively face his own fault and deficiencies, does not easily deny his own value, and does not escape the problem of practical; he does not talk about, sort out the past, and does not lose his expectations and confidence in the future.

Misunderstanding 5: Love yourself is blind, self -confidence and narcissism

Truth: Indeed, some people are stubborn in the name of loving themselves, regardless of the feelings of others, and do not listen to the opinions of others. This is essentially a reflection of narcissism.

Self -love and narcissism are two very different concepts. Love yourself is self -concentration, and narcissism is the concentration of others (Well, 2017). This means that narcissistic people will compare themselves with others to get better feelings and long for the continuous recognition of others; and love themselves do not need to compare. Those who love themselves are firm and can truly recognize themselves.

So, how can I love myself?

Love is an active ability, and it is the same. Therefore, you must not only stay in one -sided thinking and imagination, you need active and overall practice.

Perception is important, this is the first step to love yourself. If a person does not even know his true needs, it is difficult for TA's behavior and the results brought by his behavior, it is difficult to guide the care of TA itself. To achieve effective awareness, you need to be more sincere and not hidden in yourself. How much you show himself to know how much he can. "Watch" (NINA, 1993) as a general image, from the two levels of vertical (in time) and horizontal (in sense) to understand all your life course.

After "seeing" yourself, learn to accept yourself. Things that have been excluded, driven away, or even rejected by yourself are all obstacles you learn to love yourself. Blind and negative feelings will only create more pain. Accepting self and becoming a mild space for the heart is the prerequisite for self -regulating mechanism to work on the body. (Related reading: How to accept self -acceptance?)

When you do not resist your shortcomings and emotions, after a critical and objective reflection, you can gradually achieve self -firmness. Firmness is a very important part of loving yourself. When various remarks in the external environment are full of left and right and interfere with you, you need to go back to your own origin to not easily shake and fall into confusion. It can be said that self -firmness is the weapon that we resist interpersonal risks and relationship damage. It is also the initiative to improve and pursue a source of dynamics of a happier life.

Finally, we have to talk about the closed loop of ourselves: bear the responsibility of all choices and experiences. Those who cannot be responsible for themselves, once they encounter bad results, they will be caught in their self -regrets for a long time. Only by taking responsibility for yourself can you have the courage to face all kinds of possibilities in life and continue to explore and grow.

KY author said:

Love your own meaning is not just to make yourself feel happy and pleasant. More importantly, when we no longer worry about other people's opinions, we can take life and do the best thing for ourselves, we also get true freedom.

It is meaningless to talk about love for yourself. You need to follow its essence. From introverted and outside, you live in the way you love yourself. Of course, if you still have confusion, you don't have to worry, because -if you are reading this article, you want to understand how you really love yourself, in fact, you have taken the first step to love yourself.

Chaplin wrote on his 70th birthday:

"When I really started to love myself, I realized that all the pain and emotional torture just reminded me: alive, don't violate our own intentions. We don't need to be afraid of the differences between ourselves and others, because even stars will sometimes sometimes think about it, even if the stars sometimes sometimes, they sometimes will sometimes be there. Touch together to form a new world, this is life. "

You are also your own stars, remember to take care of its light.

above.

References:

Bernard Golden. (2019) .how Self-Criticism Threatein Mind and Body. Psychology today.

Carson, S. H., & Langer, E. J. (2006). Mindfulness and Self-ACCEPTANCE.JOURNAL of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior therapy, 24 (1), 29–43.

From, e. (1956). The Art of Loving: The Centennial Edition.a & C Black.

MASLOW, A. H. (1943) .preface to motivation theory.psychosomatic Medicine.

Khoshaba, d. (2012) .a seven -tep prescription for self-love.psychology today.

Larisch-hander, h. n. (1993) .von der kunst, size selbst zu lieben.köseel.

Well, T. (2017) .s Self-Love Healthy or Narcissistic? Psychology today.

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