Don't expect love to cure your loneliness | Broadcast for lonely people

Sayings:

Many times, the more you talk about love, the more lonely-- the more lonely-- the more lonely-- the more lonely--

After confessed many times with the loved ones, it faded;

Being with the closest people every day, but the appearance is out of God;

Tell your parents about your ideals, but you are not understood.

No matter which one above, isn't this the most extreme loneliness in this world?

It is not a physical feeling, no one accompanies the loneliness, but the loneliness that I love you a thousand times, but no one responds to the loneliness of desperately explaining the life they want, but being scoffed.

Marquez said, "Only loneliness is eternal." So, last week, the fourth issue of the New Shi Xiang series live "Mo panic, not a big problem". Talking about human eternal theme -loneliness.

Chen Haixian has been a consultant for 15 years and has received more than 8,000 visits. Among many psychological problems, loneliness has always been the most difficult and most common problem to trouble everyone.

When we talk about love, we are lonely; when we talk about ideals, we are lonely; when we talk about intimate relationships, we are more lonely.

So this time, we hope that from the experience of chatting and healing from Chen Haixian and more than 8,000 people, we can find that even if we just peele the leopard in the tube, we know loneliness, resist loneliness, and get along with loneliness and friendship.

After reading this article, you take 17 minutes. I hope you can take a look at your heart, or watch our live video below. Bleak

After these 17 minutes, I hope you can have at least one moment, you can re -understand loneliness, and even walk further away, you will not be afraid of loneliness.

one,

Why do we say more love, the more lonely?

Moderator: It is a phenomenon that is very common. Everyone will feel that the more love is the moment of love, but the more empty the heart is, or the more lonely feelings? Chen Haixian: From my understanding, no matter what, love is always a good thing, because it represents the need and desire we want to connect with you, but we can tell a person that I love my love. In fact, he still needs some courage, but why does it become lonely?

Let me give you 3 small fragments:

The first clip was a couple. They had been in love and got married together for a long time. One of the recent feelings has gradually become more and more indifferent in this relationship;

He didn't want to lose this relationship, so he worked hard, then planned our trip, and then recalled the past, but all his efforts could not get the response from the other half, or the response he got all all the responses, or the response he got were all the responses. It's very light. One day, he told another person that I love you, and then the other person said, know.

In fact, this time is a very lonely state. What kind of loneliness is this?

I want to get your response, I am trying to keep it, but the heart of another person is no longer here, as if this is just a matter of me, so you see that the more he said at this time Because he is working hard for this matter.

The second clip: a couple, and then the couple have been quarreling for their children's educational philosophy. The husband thinks that the child should be loose and not so anxious, and the wife thinks you are letting him go.

Everyone knows that in fact, when a couple quarrel with their children, they are not only quarreling for the education of their children, but they will also feel that you have always disagreed with my point of view. You seem to be denied me.

So one day, after they quarreled, the wife told my husband that I still love you, and then the husband said, yes, I am too. But they all know that even so, they are still difficult to resolve that contradiction.

So you see that sometimes this is also a kind of loneliness. I know that I love each other and the other party loves me. I can't bear this relationship. But in the face of a very realistic problem, no one can liberate it, so you think this is a relationship that loves and close.

Not only is it lonely, but also helpless.

Let me tell you another fragment. We are planning a project recently. It is a bit like an empirical library. Let's talk about a variety of special experiences. One of the visitors to share with me a period of experience:

He was an actor, and he paid a lot for his dream. But for a while he said that this dream could not be realized, so he returned home. His parents were very good to him, but he was anxious to watch him, so sometimes he told him: If you were not an actor, if you read a book again, how good you would graduate from your master's degree.

But they are afraid of the child's sadness, and they will immediately say: Now it is okay, you will work hard to come out.

But a feeling of this child is that there is no way to quarrel with parents because they are distressed.

So what is wrong here? Think of the only ideal that I was pursuing. However, this pursuit is a very important part of my heart, and there is no way to share it with them, and there is no possibility of fighting, because I ca n’t speak heavy, and I am afraid of my parents' sadness. So you see that people are also very lonely in this tangled relationship.

These three scenes represent three loneliness:

The first is the loneliness of only one person's love;

The second is that we have contradictions, although knowing that love the other party is unable to resolve the contradiction, so the loneliness that is not close;

The third is because I know that you love me, I don't want to let you down, so I have to suppress my inner thoughts and desires.

Moderator: Is relationship and loneliness opposite?

Chen Haixian: It is a problem with many levels. In short, in fact, people are living in relationships. Loneliness is the support and connection we want in the relationship. At this time, people will feel Lonely.

Of course, this is the most common loneliness I think. For example, we have no friends, or we do not have that kind of intimate partner, or we have such friends or this kind of partner, but we cannot feel this connection.

The word is often seen in psychology. We feel that we have not been seen. Some of our emotions, particular emotions, and subtle emotions, it lacks an exit, then I think others will be lonely at this time.

How is this loneliness caused? Of course, it is caused by a special relationship form. This special relationship form is how close my psychological relationship with you, but we are not close enough. Regarding, I think this is a special dialectics that we have relationships and loneliness.

Another loneliness is another thing. For example, if you read Owen Yaron's book, he has a book called "The Treatment of Existential Psychology". One of the problems that everyone will face.

In essence, each of us is an independent way to survive, so no one can really fully understand another person. This is a kind of existence loneliness. Moderator: Some people say that they just want to fall in love and do not want to get married. Some people have decided to be lonely and live alone for a lifetime. So what kind of relationship do you think like this?

But there are also many young people who start to be anxious and think what to do that year? What should I do if I get sick? What do you think of such a specific loneliness and relationship?

Chen Haixian: Of course, in theory, we are best to have a close relationship.

I often talk about a metaphor: as if you are playing a game, such as "The Legend of Zelda: The Best of the Wilderness", I am playing recently. If you do n’t have a close relationship, you are equivalent to only a small piece of this game. You are playing here and there is no way to expand into another larger game map.

Of course, you said that you can live, of course, you can live, people can not live, but he must live without intimacy.

I think people can have a close relationship, but he must have some other relationships, or some other causes to support him.

What does that mean? For example, I have no close relationship, but I still need a supportive relationship. This may be friends, girlfriends, and my career partners from me. We still have to have a goal like I am willing to fight for it. For example, you have a special career that can alleviate some kind of loneliness in your life.

So you can have no intimacy, but you ca n’t have no support. You can do n’t have the goal of family, but you ca n’t have no goal. I think this is very important.

Moderator: Is it important to share and express in intimate relationships?

Chen Haixian: In fact, the most difficult place for people's loneliness lies in your expression. Does anyone hear and understand? I think this is difficult.

You see that loneliness can be very small, or a lot of loneliness, we have just said just now. But a small loneliness, including the two we are talking about, or we are talking to friends in the live room, I said a word, or you said a word, I didn’t understand or respond to you, in fact At this time, a lonely moment was created.

In fact, most of the loneliness between people comes like this. It is in each one we communicate, our expression and listening.

Moderator: More and more people now feel that they cannot solve the pressure from family, friends or a marriage relationship. Why do we feel that this closer, seemingly more trustworthy relationship, will become a burden?

Chen Haixian: Because family members have more expectations for each other, I hope you must come in my way. But the other party felt that I was an independent person: Every time you are like this, you are controlling me, and I think I feel uncomfortable. Then you look at it at this time it becomes a kind of relationship, then this will create a kind of loneliness.

Not all family members can talk. So you think this is where this relationship is lonely. Although we are very close, to a certain extent, our emotions also love each other, but because of some extent, we have fallen into a kind of The method came, but I don't want to follow you "the relationship of control and resistance.

Because the more we care, the more we can't talk about us at will, it has become a constraint for a long time.

Love sometimes becomes a constraint, it doesn't matter if it is a stranger. But if you are in your family, you must worry.

Moderator: What do you think of this sense of measurement and boundary?

Chen Haixian: I think people actually need a border.

Everyone must understand that people actually have two contradictions: one orientation is that we hope to establish a closer relationship with people; but on the other hand, one of the orientation of people is that we want to say that we are autonomous, and we want to say that we are autonomous. We are independent, we can make some choices and make some judgments ourselves.

Therefore, this orientation that wants to be independent and united is a contradiction we have faced in our lifetime, and it is also a relationship between ourselves and others we have to deal with.

The sense of proportion and boundary is used to solve this problem. Of course, when we are lonely, we want to go close to this person, but when we are near to a certain degree, we can't tell which one of you is me.

So what kind of thing do you say? The border is protecting ourselves to maintain a sense of autonomy to make itself an independent person, and its corresponding price may be what I just talked about, and we all have to face a kind of existence Lonely.

two,

The Internet makes us closer and lonely

Moderator: Many friends around said that the more we talk about WeChat, the more lonely, will the Internet enlarge our loneliness?

Chen Haixian: I think the biggest problem on the Internet is also our expression. In fact, all loneliness has a characteristic, which is our expression.

We hope that if someone hears it, do he really understand us?

What is the expression of the Internet? Many people are talking about, but few people are listening, we all look forward to others to respond to him. However, there are more people expressing and less people who listen to it. They become a one -way emotional output. In fact, at this time, I think people are very lonely. Moderator: Let's talk about a wider social loneliness, that is, the world of the Internet. Do you think it solves loneliness or creates loneliness?

Chen Haixian: I think there are all, the new tools must bring contradictions.

It is not just to solve loneliness, nor is it just creating loneliness. For example, today we are connected through the live room here, and then we may have tens of thousands of friends listening to our sharing. You see if there is no means of the Internet, it is actually impossible to achieve.

Including WeChat, many friends said that I had no way to contact these classmates and relatives of my hometown. I can only see the New Year. Then everyone is in a WeChat group now, and there is any news to share it. This is greatly strengthened the connection between people. Especially the weak connection. From this perspective, it relieves loneliness.

But its problem is that it is a weak connection, and the weak connection will slowly cause the lack of in -depth communication.

The real relationship is a very strong connection: it is best to face him to face, see his eyes, expressions, and hear every sentence he said, because of this subtle sound difference, because this is for me for me It is a very meaningful thing, and then I can talk to him about my mind, and he is also willing to talk to me about my mind, instead of using a lot of words on WeChat. But sometimes because WeChat is too convenient, we have lost this deep communication function.

Moderator: Now many people have pets, what do you think of the relationship between people and pets? What extent do you think pets can truly replace the relationship between people and people?

Chen Haixian: I think it is the relationship between people and people, which is the same and different from the relationship between people and pets.

The same thing is that in fact, pets sometimes have a response, for example, it will "meow", and then you feed it and touch it, it will have a response, so it also has a response.

But what is the part of the loneliness? The pet's response is always here. It does not respond to the delicate feelings in your heart. You can't tell it. I am working in the unit today. I have a criticism, I feel uncomfortable, and it has no way to respond to you.

I flipped through all my circle of friends. I do n’t know who I can tell, that is, the response of pets is very direct, but it is very superficial.

The similarities and differences I am talking about are like this. It can respond in the same part of the relationship with people. It can satisfy your desire to take care of something, but it is not enough for its response. It takes care of you limited.

Moderator: In Japan, there was a very interesting social news in Japan. Last year, they even set up a position called the lonely minister. They specifically solved the current aging and many social problems. High and other issues. Do you think the social mechanism can provide solids to solve the solution?

Chen Haixian: I think it can create some conditions and provide some platforms, but it really wants to relieve loneliness. It still depends on a kind of connection between people. There is actually no way to rely on a social institution, for example, we build a a little similar to the aging club, or we have a lonely hearing hotline, such as this psychological lonely. There is no way to replace a truly close relationship for our daily life.

This Japan was also to deal with the epidemic. In the face of such a big uncertainty, people will panic, so there is a word called atomic survival, as if people become atomic, and it becomes increasingly close to each connection between us. At this time, we said that if our social institutions can do some such things, through the Internet's means or other means, we can connect people again. In the face of the epidemic, we can even share some kind of loneliness of everyone. I think I think This is a good way to relieve loneliness.

3. How should we get along with loneliness?

Moderator: Do you think people live for a lifetime to prove their unique value in this world?

Chen Haixian: If you want to ask this question, who is the first thing we want to ask?

Who is worth your life to say that you work hard to prove to him, for our parents? But maybe our parents will grow slowly. Is it ourselves? But we may not need to prove to us.

I think it is for a lifetime to have a stage.

At the beginning, it may be to say good, in the eyes of others, in this worldly rule, some success in others' expectations for us.

But slowly, whether you get it or not, you find that these external recognition and the eyes of others are not enough to determine our lives. Because we still have a vacancy in our hearts, even if we have been recognized by others, we cannot satisfy it. This is the most rooted in our own heart, which is the reason for my existence.

So slowly develop to another stage: I do n’t need the recognition of others, I want to pursue, understand what I really want, and slowly draw a conclusion about who I am.

I am not living for others, I live for myself. I think people who really find the so -called life meaning or find some special goals. In fact, most of their answers are that I live for myself.

Moderator: Why do we have no burden to reveal ourselves in front of strangers, but in the face of those who are really important, it is difficult to say?

Chen Haixian: In fact, for strangers, we know that we have nothing to do with him, and it has nothing to do with him, so we are willing to say, because since it does not matter, it will not affect it.

So sometimes we are willing to talk to strangers. After we talk about it, it seems that the secrets in our hearts, those reality in our important relationships have an exit. But if you are close to us, you know that not everything can be said, because after speaking, we must take care of his feelings. We have to think, what would he think when I talked about this? How would I affect him? How can this affect our relationship?

The secret is a strange thing. We want to tell this secret to someone we really want to hear him, but we know that it is a secret that it is that we can never tell the person. So we can only say that it seems to be a distant tree hole. I think it actually represents a regret, and it also represents a balance in the relationship.

Moderator: Like many laughing stars, artists, and actors, they look the most lively group of people anywhere. Many people know how lively they perform on the stage, but how lonely it is on the stage.

Do you think this kind of professional loneliness exists? Is there any good way to eliminate it?

Chen Haixian: I think professional loneliness exists. For example, just now you talk about those laughing stars, I think he has two main reasons: the first reason he is a creator. I also know a few friends who talk about talk shows. I know that they think that it is difficult to have a headache. In fact, everyone is very unhappy.

Secondly, they must show their happy side to the public, but when people have a lot of faces, after the happy side is displayed to the public, then his unhappy side sometimes leaves himself to himself, or it is left to private. life.

Of course, there are some occupations, which are easier to be unhappy. I know, for example, when a psychologist in Seligman talked about happiness, he said that there was a professional in the United States that was particularly unhappy, which was a lawyer. Why is the lawyer unhappy? Because they are thinking about to argue each other, to find each other's fault, they slowly become a way of thinking. No matter who says, my lover says, I have to refute him.

Moderator: Many people feel that after watching a particularly wonderful and full movie, I can't help but feel lost after coming out. After attending a particularly wonderful ball and feast, I feel a little lost after coming out. Do you think we have a better way of psychological adjustment in the face of this full loss?

Chen Haixian: I think the best way is to accept it.

You don't need to debug, all good things will not be eternal. Because it is not eternal, all we can do is to enjoy the beauty of that moment, and then take your loss to meet the beautiful encounter next moment.

Because no matter it disappears or does not disappear, it becomes part of your experience and it becomes part of your heart. Find this loss to find the next moment.

Moderator: How do you think in this world, how can we find a resonance and resonance with ourselves?

Chen Haixian: I think in each stage, we are different. Don't stop our self -growth.

We are constantly expanding ourselves. When we are developing ourselves, we will encounter some specific problems when we are developing ourselves. With these specific problems, specific experiences, specific confusion, People communicate. Because of your experience of growth and the confusion of your growth, it is a link to find that person who resonates with you, which is a sign that you all recognize each other.

At the end

When it comes to loneliness, we always have endless words to say, Lin Yutang once described "loneliness":

Looking at the two words of loneliness, there are children, fruits, small dogs, and mosquito flies, which is enough to support the alleys of the midsummer evening, full of humanity. Under the child's gourd willow shed, the thin dogs are in the narrow alley of the butterfly.

It can be seen how many people are lonely.

I hope that this period of live broadcast, Chen Haixian's answer will allow you to get inspiration from experience.

——It as well as what he said, the best way is to accept it, with his intentions, and meet the next beautiful encounter.

This is the live broadcast of the fourth issue of "Mo Fan, Not a Big", I hope it will be helpful to you.

At 18:00 on the evening of June 30, we will also bring the fifth issue of "Mo Pan, Not a Big problem". The director and well -known screenwriter Shao Yihui of the movie "Love Myth" and the well -known screenwriter will talk about the creation of women. How to suppress--

Why don't we dare to be confident?

This is a very hearty content. If you are also easy to inferior and often doubt your situation, you may wish to listen to Shao Yi's speech live broadcast.

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