Studies say: The older the ages, the more anxious, the harder it is to find a good object!

Some time ago, a user told us about her troubles through the background--

She said she was 31 years old and unmarried. I especially want to fall in love, but I am very entangled.

On the one hand, she wants to find the object that can get married through love; on the other hand, because she is afraid that love without results is a waste of time ...

Later, there was a blind date, and she wanted to get married quickly. She decided to get along with him. During the process, it was found that the boys were very stingy, and often did not say hello to disappear, and she suspected that she was annoying when she had negative emotions. She feels like this person is not very good, but think about her age, and think about his conditions, and feel that she should ask for less.

Her situation is very typical for some older single people. With the increase of age, everyone seems to be more afraid of facing various uncertainty in the process of getting out of order. Age anxiety has a particularly great psychological impact on people in love.

Age anxiety will make your intimacy worse. Look at today's article--

Age anxiety

How does it affect our good intimate relationship?

The social clock requires us to "do what age to do". Once we reach the age of marriage and marriage, people will feel tremendous pressure.

The increase in anxiety about age has prompted people to urgently want a good intimate relationship. However, when people have a strong demand for love, some changes will occur in psychology--

1) "Love and Host" makes people hungry

Some time ago, the reality show about "Tinder Scam King" was very hot.

The scammer named Simon Leviev used the psychology of girls who wanted to fall in love with the "ideal boy", and carefully designed it step by step to let the girls who desire to get rid of the order fell into a debt.

This love scam is also called "killing piglets" in China.

When we watch documentaries and news, we feel that these victims are stupid. "Is such a obvious scam be fooled?" At the same time, I feel that we will definitely not be deceived.

But the fact is that this is just an optimistic prejudice. If the carefully designed love scam happens in a real life, it may not make us make a more wise decision than the victims in the news. This is because when a person wants to fall in love, TA is more likely to lose in a ambiguous atmosphere.

Neurosciences have found that love hormones "oxytocin" will have a similar effect on the body and alcohol (Mitchell et al., 2015). In other words, seeing the object of favorite people, people are like drunk, and they feel like love drank -while happiness and excitement, self -control is reduced, the judgment has deteriorated, and the signal of danger is disappeared. Gan is willing to make the so -called sacrifice for the promise of nothingness.

The more anxious to find "the right love object", the easier it is to be immersed in the love and hunction -TA does not want to be sober, only letting himself see what he desires to see and treats that as the truth.

Said Shao Yingying, a psychological counselor, said that this phenomenon is very common among people who are full of anxiety. When a person is very eager to be intimate, he thinks that he has no time to wait, and meets a little possibilities, even if there are a lot of problems, TA is willing to be "invisible." I believe that the other party is a good choice, and self -brainwashing is just to achieve the purpose of obtaining relationships.

2) Cinderella complex: self -loss in the relationship

American psychotherapist Colette Dowling (1981) believes that some women have a complicated fear of "independence" and always want to get dependent men unconsciously. She calls this mentality "The Cindereella Complex".

Women with Cinderella complex will restore their own life responsibilities in the intimate relationships in the future. They are like Singderera waiting for the prince to save in a fairy tale, and have unrealistic expectations for men, and even idols Saha & Safri (2016).

And, the more you want to get an intimate relationship, this mentality will become more obvious -starting to believe that your happiness must be obtained by having a close relationship.

In intimate relationships, women with Cinderella complex will gradually lose their own power and become an accessory in the relationship; it is also easier to find complete, maintain unhealthy relationships, and continue to be harmed.

In fact, Cinderella's complex influences more than women in real life. There are old -age unmarried people who are anxious, regardless of men and women, because they are very eager to get married, they feel that marriage represents happiness. At the same time, considering that "there is not much time", choosing some objects that are obviously not "good choices".

The difference between Cinderella complex and love and lover is that the latter cannot see the truth at all, and the former clearly sees the truth that is not satisfactory, or chooses to compromise.

3) Two dilemma of emotional

Not only that, age anxiety can also make people fall into the dilemma in emotion: talk or not? On the one hand, I want to start the relationship as soon as possible, and on the other hand, the people who are worried and wrong start, but waste the only one left.

Originally love should be a time to understand the other party, because of this dilemma, a large number of single men and women can't wait to have perspective of the future superpowers. From the first second, see if the other party can entrust a lifetime.

In addition, just like the example mentioned at the beginning of the article, when people are under the pressure of social clocks, they face many tests that do not exist when they are young. Inside, find a favorite person in love?

Wang Wei, a psychological counselor, believes that the thinking of "should" will make people feel nervous. The more you try to realize the TA in behavior, the greater the tension, and the "should" has a certain mandatoryness. When the individual "want" does not match what the society expects "should", many people fall into tangling and self -doubt.

The other part of the people simply "broken the jar" in this dilemma. Shao Yingying, a psychological counselor, said that many people who are particularly anxious about marriage may jump into the unreasonable model directly from the tangled and confused, in order to let go of their negative attitude and no longer troubled by dilemma.

4) Premature disconnection of the relationship

Age anxiety may also make people overly cautious and self -protection. Because of fear of delaying time, I can't wait to rule out the "error option" -the "candidate candidate" who can still develop well.

Shao Yingying, a psychological counselor, believes that the older the age, the more reality is the fact. The idea of ​​"I don't have time to waste" will make people more willing to measure whether the real material level can meet the requirements first, and then understand the spiritual level to save time.

However, Jump to the Conclusion may cause people to deeper and essential things because of the surface, and miss a very beautiful intimate relationship.

So, how can we get rid of age anxiety, adjust their mentality, and gain a good intimate relationship?

4 Tips leading to a good intimate relationship

1) Dialectical view of age

The 18 -year -old single is nothing, and the 28 -year -old single will face various challenges in social context. Social clocks have an age expectation for our actions, which is the main source of anxiety for many people.

Shao Yingying, a psychological counselor, believes that different ages have different advantages. When we can plan a complete self -clock for ourselves, and no longer be wrapped in age, we realize that age growth is actually a kind of wealth:

With the increase of age, a person becomes more mature and decisive than he is young, and the perspective of the problem is richer. The increase in wisdom and social experience has made TA more clear answers to what kind of life I want, and these are indispensable for the intimacy that leads to a good.

This dialectical view of age can largely relieve the pressure brought by age anxiety, allowing us to face the potential development objects and the intimate relationship between the future with a more calm mentality.

2) When you see yourself, you can see the close relationship

When a person is hungry, there is only food in his eyes, and even for food unscrupulous, TA cannot take care of others; a person who is eager to fall in love only has the order in his eyes, and the other TA cannot take care of it.

Shao Yingying, a psychological counselor, believes that only when we take care of our inner needs and no longer manipulate the hunger to get rid of the order, we can recover rationality from desire, really see ourselves, and see the true opponent.

Only when we cultivate our correct attitude towards ourselves can we have a correct attitude towards others. Negative self -judgment will actually reduce happiness, increase stress, and limit self -development, and self -recognition is a stronger pressure resistance tool.

When we can tell what we want and what the other party is, the premise of a good intimate relationship can be satisfied.

3) Explore the deep reasons that want to love & maintain your own standards

If you can't find true love under the current requirements, reducing your standards is definitely not a way out. Because it means that you ignore your true and core needs, in order to please others to suppress your true self.

Reducing standards may help you get short -term ambiguous objects, even men/girlfriends; of course, if your standards drop enough, you can even get married quickly, but reducing the standard will never give you health, lasting, what you need Love.

Try to explore the deeper reason that you want to get a deeper relationship is not just a partner on the surface, but the thing you want to persist most in intimate relationships.

If your purpose is to get a happy marriage, then you need to know what a happy marriage you understand is, is accompanied, understanding, related love and support? Still what you need. In this way, you will not be upside down on the way to the next intimate relationship.

4) Hugging uncertainty and possibility in support

Finally, don't have single anxiety, "single" is actually a common and normal thing. (Related reading: Why do people think that people in marriage are "first -class" than single people?)

Learn to enjoy the uncertainty in the process of taking off, because uncertainty means possibility. In love, it will happen naturally when it wants to happen.

In addition, as human beings, one of our most basic needs is social connection. In the process of uncertainty, social support from others is very important.

Studies have shown that the relationship prediction made by parents and roommates is more accurate than me (Macdonald & Ross (1999), and the most accurate prediction of heterosexual relationships is often the woman's friend (Loving, 2006). Therefore, listening to the views of friends and parents is also the key to our intimate relationship.

Easy, you will find that person.

References:

Colette download (1981). The cindereella complelex: WOMEN's Hidden Fear of Independence

MacDonald, T. K., & Ross, M. (1999). Assessing the accuracy of predictions about dating relationships: How and why do lovers' predictions differ from those made by observers?. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 25(11), 1417- 1429.

Mitchell, I. J., Gillespie, S. M., & Abu-Akel, A. (2015). Similar effects of intranasal oxytocin administration and acute alcohol consumption on socio-cognitions, emotions and behaviour: Implications for the mechanisms of action. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 55, 98-106.

LOVING, T. J. (2006). Predicting Dation Relationship Fate with Insiders ’And Outsiders’ Perspectives: Who and What is Asked Matters. Personal Relationships, 13 (3), 349-362.

SAHA, S., & Saf, T. S. (2016). Cindereella Complex: Theoretical roots to psychology dependency syndrome in. The International Journa Psychology, 3 (3). 118-12. 118-12.

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