Six psychological skills of "saving relationship"

Friends are preparing to get married with the object of 10 years together. She once told me that she had shaken this relationship.

Five years ago, there was a boy who made her very exciting around her, and her relationship with her current appointment happened to be in a period of not salty. Abandon.

After hesitated for a while, she decided to save the current feelings. She said, "It is difficult to accompany me to come here. I may not be able to develop such a deep relationship with others."

I believe you must have heard similar stories. Each relationship will go through the trough, but some people in the story choose to "repair", and some choose "change new".

In this era of "repair", KY still wants to say that when you are hesitant to leave a relationship, you can try to save it first.

Life needs "timely stop loss",

Also "turn losses into profit"

Although we must all understand "timely stop loss", for a relationship that is not a big problem and is just less love, "turn loss into profit" may be a better result.

From a practical point of view, the end of a relationship means that your previous efforts must be clear.

Shao Yingying, a psychological counselor, believes that time, money, and human emotional consumption are all costs. If the other party does not make any principled mistakes, but your feelings have problems, then investing some "repair" costs will be more reasonable for you. Changeing a person also means that your business must start from scratch.

And, if there are still some problems that have not been solved in your relationship, staying to overcome it will also be a better choice.

Teacher Shao mentioned that many problems in the relationship are actually the reflection of your own problems. Human unconsciousness drives us to repeat some of the past models unknowingly. If it does not solve it, it is still possible in the next relationship.

For example, you want to separate because you need freshness, then you will easily get tired of the next TA. If you like another person because Kai Xiaofu, then you may still be excited to others after you are with TA.

Therefore, separation is not necessarily the best way-

When the relationship occurs,

You can try these 6 ways to save love first

1. Sort out your emotions

Many times, our perception and evaluation of our partners and relationships are often dominated by emotions.

When we are "Negative Sentiment Override", TA's overall view of partners and relationships is negative (Weiss, 1980), and it will be difficult for us to feel the love of partners, and it is difficult to remember those love love The moment.

It is even more likely to find things about the other half. For example, those who resent their partners do not do housework will also blame their partners; many quarrels will not help but turn over the old account ...

As a result, Iris Barzen (2019) pointed out that at many times when you feel "not love", people will mistakenly regard "negative emotions" as the end of the relationship.

For example, when you are cleaning, your partner is lying on the sofa to play with your mobile phone, and the emotion of resentment makes you feel that you can no longer stand the other person; when you are in the Cold War, the feeling of anger makes you look at the other half, the less pleasing to the eye. I never want to see the thought of TA in my head ...

Conversely, when "Positive Sentime Override" is happening, you will feel "still love": the feeling of surprise, movement, and happiness makes you think your partner is the "right person", you you, you I want to be with TA forever.

Therefore, you need to let yourself calm down and sort out your feelings, and identify whether you are survived by negative emotions.

2. Recall the past

Shao Yingying, a psychological counselor, believes that when we sort out our emotions, we need to think about this relationship with reason.

She suggested that the first step is to look at it. For example, how did you start? In your opinion, what is TA attracted you? In the past, is it still important for you at the moment, or even irreplaceable?

If so, we can see if we still fall in love with TA again? Consider the answer to the following three questions:

For a while, your relationship is really good (you tease each other happily, and each other is crazy for each other). You have never had an oral abuse in verbal, physical, and emotional. You hate a lot of things now, but you used to like and respect TA in the past.

If your answers are yes, and you and TA now (or once) have the basis of common values, respect and trust, Professor John Gottman, a professor of psychology, believes that you may still fall in love with TA again.

However, the quality of your relationship may not be as good as before. If you work hard to explore how to return to the previous state, you may fall in love with each other again.

3. Focus on the burnout period

Many couples will experience a period of burnout, but it is likely to spend smoothly.

First of all, you need to be clear whether the burnout in your relationship lacks new meaning or fatigue. The reasons and solutions of the two are different.

The Self-EXPANSION theory believes that we will hope to meet the needs of self-ego through a partner. Therefore, partner relationships that can expand our interests, skills and experiences attract us (Aron et al., 2000). The lack of new burnout is due to the deepening of our understanding of our partners, and we can no longer get a fresh experience from a partner to meet the needs of broadening ourselves. Therefore Tired.

The cause of fatigue type is due to various problems in the relationship, and it is not solved, making people feel tired (Bernstein, 2016).

In response to these two situations, the way we can try is:

Improve self -expansion capabilities and increase the fresh experience in the relationship

You can improve yourself alone. By mastering new knowledge and skills, your partner feels that TA can still gain self -expansion from you. You can also improve with your partner, plan with TA to complete some challenges, travel together to grow and hear, and so on.

In addition to creating new experience, increasing communication with partners is also a way to strengthen self -expansion. Choose a time with your partner and discuss the new visible and perception you have gained before. Maybe you will find that there are many places you can learn and know in your partner.

Try to gradually reduce conflicts through positive communication

Before communicating, you can tell your partner that you need to talk to each other and tell TA time to talk to you. In the process, you need to avoid negative communication methods such as complaints, accusations, passive attacks, etc., and use "I" sentences (such as "I am sad") instead of "how do you do". You can even consider "putting fakes" for this relationship, such as traveling alone, giving yourself more people's space and time to think about how to resolve the conflict.

When relationship burnout is resolved, the intimacy and commitment of the relationship are rebuilt, and the two may completely ignite the passion.

(Related reading: Everything has a shelf life, whether it is can or love | Introduction: Are your relationships entering the burnout period?)

4. Think about what you have and not owned now

Shao Yingying, a psychological counselor, believes that when we start thinking about how to deal with a relationship, the return to reality helps us make the best choice. She suggested that we can re -evaluate the value of this relationship by reviewing what we have got and have not got anything.

ask yourself:

Has the things I want the most? If not, can there be no way to get it? Which of the current relationship I don't like? Does it have a great impact on me? Is there a way to solve or improve?

Teacher Shao said that those who feel that a stable relationship is very difficult often has low tolerance for reality. TAs are too ideal about reality, so the imperfect side of reality is particularly dazzling. Any relationship is easily intolerable for TAs.

Think more about what you get, such as the economic support, emotional support given by the other party, or the growth of your own in this relationship. Make the right choice on the basis of accepting reality.

5. Imagine what kind of partner will TA will be a partner in the future.

If a person does not experience major changes, TA's future personality and behavior habits can be predicted based on the present.

Therefore, Teacher Shao suggested that we can look at the characteristics of your partner based on a longer -term time. For example, TA is more boring and monotonous, but for a long time, TA will be a partner that can provide a sense of security. For example, TA does not have a good economic strength at present, but perhaps TA's occupation needs time to accumulate network resources, and it will be fruitful in the future.

When we stretch the time dimension of attention, it is not just focusing on the status quo. Maybe you will find that there are actually many flash points you have not seen yet, not necessarily a good companion.

6. Submitting a sincere communication to the other party

If you can usually develop good emotional maintenance habits with your partner, and carry out supportive and open communication, it will help you over again and again.

But if not before, it's time to start a sincere communication.

Whether it is because the performance of the partner is inconsistent with his expectations, he is disappointed; or because he does not know how to deal with the conflict in the relationship, he is in a deadlock. In this case, if you can openly discuss issues openly, and communicate with each other with calmness and communication with each other, the relationship may still be repaired.

Shao Yingying, a psychological counselor, suggested from feelings and expectations. For example, "How do you feel about me recently?" "Do you have any expectations for me?" At the same time, he expressed his views on these two issues. If you can, try to daily communication as possible to establish a consciousness of each other's staged assessment.

KY author said:

Finally, I also want to emphasize that providing these ways to save love is not to say that you cannot break up, your love must still be rescued.

Trying to save as a kind of way of being hesitant and tangled for yourself, no matter what the result is, it is not too bad: by saving, you find that you still love TA, your feelings have been re -new;It is the best choice for you to find separation after you work hard. You have no regrets and no longer stay.References:

, 273.

Bernstein, e. (2016). WHY A LITTLE BOREDOM COULD Be in good For yourRelationship. Wall Street Journal.

Barzen, I. (2020). "I don't love you anymore" is not a reason to break up. Medium.

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