Every adult will experience this incident.

Some time ago, I saw friends who have returned from abroad. We were classmates during the graduate period, and the two talked about their lives at the time. I remembered that TA had a very close relationship with the same -sex friend D at that time. As close as to knowing that the sexual orientation of the TAs was very straight, we still liked to tease the TA to be a pair.

But when I asked D's recent situation, my friend just answered a little depressed, "We are no longer in contact." If you want to ask carefully, you only ask a sentence "Pursue different", and the friend is unwilling to say more. Essence

Looking at the silence and avoidance of my friend, I resisted the question I wanted to ask: Obviously, what happened to the friends who were like a lover, and what happened in the middle to cause the two to part ways?

I talked with people with related experiences around me, and also read some articles and research. I want to talk to you another breakup of adults -friendship breakup.

An important friendship ended in an adult,

The pain of experience is not less than breaking up

Compared with love, friendship is often not exclusive to his relationship, which also makes many people stay in "friends can make friends again" and "no shortage of this friend" for losing their friends, and ignore a period of friendship that may bring. pain.

In fact, as if we will establish a close attachment relationship with our partners in love, there are unique and intimate attachment relationships in important friendship. Losing a friendship is not just "losing a friend", but a person who has lost a person who is unique and irreplaceable in our lives.

She and I were a good friend I met in college. There were some contradictions between us, and we no longer contacted. On the surface, I am the same as before, eating, drinking and playing, but I dare not tell anyone, I am afraid that others think I am too aggressive ... but there is a few friends, but I did not expect it to be so sad. ——Carrie, female, 29 years old

I used to have a good buddy. When I was in college, we made a combination and played the guitar together. At that time, there were still people who would take me and his CP. After graduating, we went to different cities. We were too busy with our work. I often feel confused and I don't know what to do after get off work. ——Gary, male, 27 years old

Unlike losing love, breaking up with friends is sometimes more like a "slow death". Studies have pointed out that the end of most adult friendship is passive and farther (VietH et al., 2022).

This "slow death" brings a vague and uncertain pain to those who lose important friendship (Zamani, 2020). In the process of gradually losing a friendship, we are not sure whether this friendship has the same value for each other, and when we review the friendship that we gradually fade away, we are often not sure what time is the point that we really lose each other. of.

At the beginning, we all confidently believed that our friendship would not fade because of geographical distance. But now the relationship between our two is a little bit of praise in the circle of friends. I would still call her a girlfriend, but I knew in my heart that I did not know when this identity was just a name. ——Lika sauce, female, 25 years old

On the other hand, we are unfamiliar with "breaking up with friends" in our daily context. In the eyes of most people, it seems that it seems that it is far away with friends, and it is not worthy of spending energy to mourn it.

Everyone will say that it is normal to get away with friends, and no one can always accompany you. So when he and other friends were more intimate, he always felt that his sadness was like a joke. He said it once, and was ridiculed that I liked that buddy. Just hold it yourself. ——TD, male, 22 years old

Sometimes, the end of friendship is a sudden outbreak, such as quarrels, contradictions, and betrayal (Zamani, 2020). Compared with the friendship that gradually ended, pain is often mixed with anger in the friendship that does not end with each other.

I had a good relationship with my roommate at the time, and I had nothing to say, so I did not expect to be betrayed by the other party. I still feel incredible when I think of it. What is even more disgusting is that TA has no regrets. I think not only loses friends, but feel that the whole friendship is like a scam. ——The non -binary gender, 26 years old

Whatever the situation, the loss of friends who want to be good can easily make our ego particularly fragile. On the one hand, the more we care about each other, the more tendency to inclined to the end of the end of the friendship to its own reason- "I have no ability to maintain a friendship" "Is other friends who understand TA better than me?" Is it a bad friend? "

I spent a lot of good time with friends from college, and they would have been a good friend of a lifetime. Now I think the older I get older, the more like I have lost my desire and ability to make new friends. My friends were gone before, wouldn't I make new friends anymore? ——Shamn, female, 35 years old

On the other hand, the relationship with important friends is often part of our self -awareness. Human self -awareness is often built on interpersonal connections. The dreams and ambitions shared between friends, the experience of happiness and sadness, the views on the world and life ... The daily conversation and encouragement of these friends, a little bit of the adults' self -building (Antony, Antony, 2015).

Naturally, when we lose the friend who can share all this, the connection breaks, and the self that we rely on this part of the connection will be threatened. Usually all kinds of entertainment, people come and go, but when they really want to chat, they do not know who to find and no one to speak. It turned out that I am so lonely now. ——Gary, male, 27 years old

Can't go back to the intimacy of the former,

What happened?

Interestingly, research found that the end of friendship between close friends is often not because of the chances and time of interaction (VIETH et al., 2022). Even if some friends are rarely connected, they can maintain a close and high -quality relationship for many years. The gap between the two parties is the gap between the two parties.

Some gaps are brought about by time and different experiences. Moved to different cities, entered a new stage of life, and gradually lost their intersection ... The helplessness of these life's life, which made us inevitably experienced friendship.

Different experiences make each other's pursuit of life, worldview, and values ​​becoming more and more obvious, and in order to maintain this friendship, we often selectively make the chat topic narrower and avoid the content that may have different differences (Khullar et al ., 2021). However, when the topic becomes narrow, it also means that this relationship cannot be as smooth as before.

However, there are still some gaps, not because the distance between the two sides has become far, but because the distance between the two parties is too close.

I think my friends and I have a good relationship with the relationship with TA too close. The closer the relationship, the greater the exposed demand. We are looking forward to the other party to meet all our needs, and we can not help meet the needs of the other party. Now think about it if you were not so close at that time, it might not be a best deal. ——Puffy, female, 23 years old

Writer Andrew Sullivan (1998) pointed out in his book that he explained friendship that a good friendship needs to be intimate (related reading: the friendship of adults).

When this sense of balance is destroyed, the symmetry in friendship is difficult to maintain. The symmetry here refers to the "two -way go" between friendship, such as equality, mutual respect, and support of each other (doherty, 2021).

In addition to ensuring that the two parties are equal individuals in the relationship, the relationship between the relationship also ensures that the two people maintain the same frequency in the relationship -not to maintain the same frequency in all specific events, but to be similar to the relationship The willingness to look forward to and input relationships.

In a period of friendship, if the relationship loses symmetry, the emergence of contradictions is becoming more and more unavoidable. At the same time, because of lack of symmetry and contradictions, the willingness to resolve the contradiction between the two parties often appears. Perhaps when one party tries to resolve contradictions, the other party chooses to avoid; or one party tries to communicate, but the other only complains. Finally, the end of the end of friendship is not the contradiction itself, but the lack of symmetry.

Facing friends to break up,

What can we do?

The more important the friendship, the harder it is to let go at the end. We may regret it, we may want to recover, it may cause resentment, or maybe we still lose after many years.

This article can not give a suggestion to recover friends (of course, it is best to restore a precious friendship), but it may help everyone to say goodbye to those important friendships that you lose.

Give yourself a space to mourn your friendship

In the study of Zamani (2020), those who have lost important friendship will have various psychological symptoms, such as depression, scary seizures, trauma symptoms, anxiety, etc. When an interviewed, she said that the end of this friendship caused her to fear other relationships. If 10 years of close friends would betray and abandon herself, why would others not?

Breaking up with a friend is not a thing that can laugh. It may bring trauma or destroy our belief in relationships, and may make us doubt ourselves for a long time. It is better to give ourselves some time to mourn this relationship than pretending to be good.

Re -adapt to your new relationship now

After finishing friendship, is your relationship, strangers, or completely hacked each other? No matter what kind of, reinterbering and adapting to the new relationship boundaries is very important for farewell to this relationship. The row of the clearing world usually means that we need to give the other party a brand new identity in our hearts -after TA is no longer my friend, what is TA?

Some reality may make the new relationship between the two parties look particularly embarrassing, such as the common friends of the two sides. At this time, the border of the relationship between the relationship also means that the need to avoid changes in the relationship between the two parties affect others. Perhaps we have ended the friendship with each other, but the common friends of the two parties still have the right to maintain the relationship between the two parties at the same time. Sometimes this may make people feel embarrassed, but in fact, it is possible to maintain the original status to the greatest extent in protecting the social life of both parties.

Painting for friendship in your heart

To make a formal farewell with friendship, it is often the same as the "break up" in love. It looks healthy, but the actual operation is difficult. Friends who have been alienated to do a farewell to friendship may be embarrassed; and farewell to friends who have broken friends because of contradictions may once again arouse fierce emotions.

When the friendship is over, our farewell object is not actually the other party, but the friendship in our memory. You can write our own ending in the form of letters, diary, painting, etc., and say goodbye to the friendship in my memory. References:

Almaatouq, A., Radaelli, L., Pentland, A., & Shmueli, E. (2016). Are you your friends' friend? Poor perception of friendship ties limits the ability to promote behavioral change. PLoS ONE, 11(3 ), 13.

Carbery, J., & Buhrmester, D. (1998). FriendShip and Need Fulfillment During During During Phases of Young Adulthood.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 15 (3), 393-1409, 393–409.

Castaneda, D., & Burns-Glover, A. L. (2008). Women's friendships and romantic relationships.In F. L. Denmark & ​​M. A. Paludi (Eds.),Psychology of women: A handbook of issues and theories(3rd ed., pp. 332 --352). Westport, CT: Praeger.

DECI, E. L., & R. M. (2000). The "What" and "WHY" of GOAL PURSUITS: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior.PsyChology inquirry, 11 (4), 227–268.

Do, A. M., Rupert, A. V., & Wolford, G. (2008). Evaluations of pleasural experiences: The Peak-End Rule. Psychonomic Bulletin & Review, 15 (1), 96-98.

Doherty, e. F... (2021). "It's just like a break-up": a qualitative analysis of turning points in female friend to middle adulthood. Communication quars 4 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1), 69 (1).

Khullar, T. H., Kirmayer, M. H., & Dirks, M. A. (2021). Relationship dissolution in the friendships of emerging adults: How, when, and why? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(11), 3243-3264.

Vieth, G., Rothman, A. J., & Simpson, J. A. (2022). Friendship Loss and DISSOLUTION in Adulthood: A Conceptual Model. Current Opinion in Psychology, 43,171-175.

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