Internal motivation: the power to control life autonomously

Today we are talking about this book is very thin, but the score is heavy. It is a very important book that has something to do with everyone. This book is called "Inner Motor".

Its recommender is Professor Peng Kaiping of Tsinghua University I am very respectful. Professor Peng Kaiping said, "Happiness comes from real autonomy." This is the title he wrote this book.

Let's take a look at the cover of this book, and you know what it is talking about. We said that each book will have a mission. The mission of this book is to tell us how to learn, work and live with fun and curiosity forever.

How can we be autonomous? How can we be willing to do something, not forced by external things? At the same time, we need to know that what is the difference between being forced to do something and to do something independently and spontaneously? This is the theme of this book.

First of all, we say, why is autonomy and control two completely different lifestyles? There is a word here, which is very inspiring to me, called alienation.

What is alienation? Just when you see someone, he feels that he seems to be wrong. If you see a person, he feels that he seems absent. Although you see a person very hard, you will feel that he is painful. This feeling is called alienation.

Drying is a feeling that you are not immersed in life now. Corresponding to alienation is immersion. If a person is autonomous and real, then this situation is called immersion. If a person is obedient or resistant, he is not perfectly integrated with the surrounding environment, then this state is called alienated.

Every time I speak, I feel obvious. After I finished my speech, I said well, and I was very clear in my heart. I can even judge from my sore throat. Because if I am an immersive speech today, I fully enjoy the process of that speech. After talking about three hours, my throat will not hurt. I feel like talking like usual. However, if I am on the stage today, I am trying to please the audience, and I am trying hard to say a softe. I am thinking about how to mobilize the atmosphere of the audience. Without an hour, my throat will be silent. Because this situation is alienated.

We will also see some people living at home, "in Cao Yingxin in Han". Although you are in this place, your soul is not there. This alienation feels, people can feel it. This is due to the differences between internal motivation and external motivation.

If you do things from the internal motivation, you are prone to immersive state. You are complete, and others can feel you here. However, if you do one thing by the external motivation, everyone can feel that you are not there. This is the inspiration that this book brings us.

Therefore, the topic we are going to study will gradually change in the future. In the past, when people talked about motivation, our questions were always: how to motivate others. This is a problem in the past.

This question was wrong. We cannot study how we should motivate others all day, but should study another topic, calling how people create conditions to make others motivate ourselves.

Our goal is not to motivate others to do with external substances, external reputation, and external social status. What we should think of is how to create a condition, so that he can understand the meaning of this matter to him, so that he can make a force to do things in the inner real estate. Therefore, the core theme of motivation research has become today, how to promote people to take responsibility from alienation.

I believe everyone is familiar with this state. For example, if you don't want to work overtime, and then your boss stands behind you, you have to knock the code there, this is the state of alienation. You can never write a genius code. At that moment, you have to think that this is the state of alienation.

So, how can we take responsibility from so many alienated states and be the owner of our own life? Do you think the theme of this book is important enough?

In 1969, the author had done a very famous experiment, called the Soma puzzle experiment. What is the Soma puzzle? It is a lot of small blocks, and then combine them to spell some puppies and bunny shapes. This is a puzzle game. This kind of game has a certain difficulty, and it will also have its interest. Therefore, it is especially suitable for psychological experiments.

How to do the Soma experiment? He found two groups of experiments and gave different conditions.

The group on the left said: As long as you spell a figure, you will reward a dollar (USD). You think, in 1969, the dollar was quite valuable. For a college student, it is a very expensive reward.

The group on the right said: You just need to fight. We do n’t have a reward, just want to see that everyone likes this puzzle. Everyone fights, there is no reward.

After they worked for a while, the researchers said that we would take a break and we need to sort out the scene -let them go to the lounge to rest. There are magazines, some books, and Soma puzzles in the lounge.

That is to say, in the 8 minutes of the lounge, they can choose to read magazines, read books, or to continue playing Soma puzzles.

What is the final result? Very obvious results: the group that reward a dollar will not touch the puzzle in the rest time (more people). The reason is that he regards this puzzle as a task, a job, and an external incentive. Therefore, this incident reveals a very interesting result -money will bring alienation. If you objectively define your job, it is a job, you need to give money to do it, then once you can do not do it, you immediately stop doing it. But those who were not given money, who did not give money, and continued to play that puzzle in these 8 minutes, it felt fun, how interesting, and then fight.

Later, psychologists began to try to replace money with threats. For example, if you can't fight out, we will deduct how many points you threatened. The result is the same. Or change to competition and say whether you can win each other. Like it, it is a threat or competition, which will allow the participants to not focus on the puzzle, but will be put on this matter.

Therefore, there is a word that is particularly good. A famous painter said that the purpose of painting a painting is not that painting. Do you remember that we have told a book called "Limited and Infinite Games". He said that when a painting was painted, the art was over. So the process of painting a painting is the most important purpose -enjoy this process. After painting, the painting itself is not an purpose. Therefore, a large number of factors will cause us to be alienated by doing this, bringing you a feeling of alienation.

So, the author said, should we study from another angle -what? What factors can enhance people's internal motivation? There are too many things to reduce our internal motivation: accusations, threatening, blame, money temptation, status, professional title, can bring a feeling of alienation.

So, we might as well think about it, how can we enhance the internal motivation? This may be easier to study. The first effective solution here is to let the participants choose themselves. You only need to add a little choice space, and you will find that the active enthusiasm of this participant is much higher.

For example, the author said that his friend has a aunt who does not like to take medicine -you know that elderly patients do not take medicine according to the doctor's order, which is a very serious problem. A large number of doctors have headaches to these patients. Under this situation, many doctors told their guardians with very compulsory methods that they had to take him to take this medicine and how many of them after dinner.

This aunt didn't eat, and later changed a doctor. This doctor did only one thing, and the aunt took the medicine on time. What is it? The doctor said, when you like to take medicine in one day, you can choose casually. When is the effect of taking medicine, the effect of this medicine is not great at all, so this doctor gave this right to the patient -say that you choose one time you like to take medicine, and after you choose it Just take medicine at that time.

He settled it out lightly. She felt that this was selected by myself, and the proportion of medicine was much higher. This is what we say, the first thing that can bring enhancement internal motivation is the choice. As long as you choose the space for the other party to allow him to participate, his attitude is different.

Next, we will also study that you have to learn to distinguish rewards and control.

For example, you get the top three in this result, and I reward you a bicycle. If you can't get it, don't give it. You go to distinguish which one is reward and which one is controlled?

If you use this thing as a threat, a condition, and an exchange, then this is control. What is a reward? The reward is happy from the heart, the gratitude from the heart, and the joy from the heart.

When you give him this gift to express your happiness and joy, then it is called a reward. However, when you give this gift to control him -if you can't do anything, you can't get this gift, etc. At this time, it is control.

I said that, everyone may find it difficult to distinguish. Let's give an example and you understand it immediately. A 6 -year -old girl pulled the violin and felt very painful, so she tilted her neck and pulled the violin. She is unwilling to take this class.

Later, I found a violin teacher. The violin teacher gave this little girl a reward -saying that as long as you finish this song and a class at a time, for example, I will give you a "treasure" for one hour. Treasures are a treasure of quotation marks. In short, it is a kind of toy for children. Then every time you can save one. This mother found out that the child changed, and she was particularly anxious to go to class every day.

But what is the problem? She pulled quickly, she was anxious to end this hour. She especially hopes to end today's exercises early. Her thoughts were actually not in this song at all. She just hopes to get that "treasure".

One day, when she pulled the piano at home, her father suddenly observed how her daughter was chaotic. It's not possible to pull it. It was she pulled it alive — I participated, I was to end this training, and I wanted to get the "treasure".

Her father stopped and said, "Don't pull it."

My daughter said, "No, I have to pull. I want to get my 'treasure'."

This dad said, "You don't need to pull, you don't have to pull today, Dad will give you this 'treasure'." That is, he completely broke the rules of this teacher. why? You will find the teacher's method, pulling the child into such an integral system, and the child is easily controlled.

Once the child encounters such a "treasure", he has no ability to resist. He especially wanted to get that thing, but the child didn't like to pull the violin at all, and he didn't enjoy the beauty of that music at all. Therefore, this dad said that there is no need to consider that "treasure" and give you to satisfy you. You should love this song, you should experience the beauty of that music. This dad does a correct thing. This is called reward rather than control.

So, what are the most difficult things for our parents, or teachers here? They said, if I have no such rules and have no such control, will it be chaotic into a pot of porridge? Will there be no boundaries and finally become indulgent?

no. The author of the author and his team specifically used a study of a children's art project that supporting autonomy and setting rules can coexist.

This children's art project is mud. So, if you think about it, if the child does not have any rules, the scene will be messy at that scene. Therefore, there is a way to control. If it is messy, what kind of punishment will be punished, or if it is not messy, what kind of reward will be.

You see, this is all controlling techniques. This method may bring a certain limit to children, certain requirements. This is often done by many parents. What everyone is most worried about is that if you give him excessive looseness. If you let him choose it yourself, it must be messy. He will not make that place neatly.

Later, the method used by another group of teachers was to ask: Do you know why we keep this place very clean? Because the children behind us have to use it. Therefore, this is a ability to learn to learn from people. To protect the environment and take care of other people. This is the goal we are going to achieve.

You see, this is to tell the children with positive guidance: you can choose, we can have no punishment measures, but we hope you can keep it clean.

The end result is very gratifying, that is, such a group of children of children's art, he can maintain this environment well without any threat or rewards.

The author said: "What is encouraged is that from the perspective of our continuous accumulated research results, the result is dramatic. Even if the wording of instructions has changed these simple changes, it has also had an impact. It seems to have the role of liberation, and the control situation has weakened the inherent motivation of children. Compared with the restricted children, those children who feel that adults can at least understand them are more inherently motivated and enthusiastic. This is like you can from this from this. As seen in this book, in all kinds of living environments, formulating rules is both good and dangerous. Whether it is good or bad depends on the characteristics of the relationship between people, depending on the person who is in an advantageous position Is it to maximize or restrain people’s experience. "

If you are a person who does not know how to motivate others and does not know how to make others have inherent motivation, you will be more inclined to control, more tempting, and more inclined to exchange such methods. The final result is that this child is clean and tidy at the scene, but as long as there is a chance, he will destroy it. Because for him, this was exchanged.

However, if you let this child understand why he keeps clean and tidy, and maintains enough respect for him, and then let him explore this boundary; then, even if he occasionally accidentally stains the surroundings, he will soon be It will also be corrected. Because he knew it was his responsibility.

Therefore, the results of this research are very important, that is, it has dispelled our concerns. In other words, in my life, I often see many children from harmonious families. Children who are friendly and friendly families in their children seem to be very regular when they come out.

However, you will find that the child who yelled and ignored the people around him often had a very anxious one, chasing him behind his butt, and even a parent who beat him.

It is not that the stricter you are, the more regular your child is. This is completely beyond our own feelings. Therefore, knowing this conclusion is very important. We need to respect our children, to give him enough space for him to choose, and at the same time you can help him establish a sense of boundaries and set rules.

Another experiment is about the exam. They found two groups of students.

What do you learn? Learning a very difficult subject is called neurophysiology. They said to one group of students: I will take the exam next week, you quickly learn, and after studying next week, you will take the content of this chapter.

For another group of students, there was no test, saying that you quickly learn this, we will tell a group of young people next week. We have to participate in a supporting activity and tell them the curriculum. You have learned it, and it is easy to teach them at that time.

You see, there are compulsory and assessments in a group, and there is no group. One set is just telling you what is the use of learning this thing. Then others need to use this thing.

As a result, one week after studying, the exam. This should be unfair to those who have not notified the exam. Because no one notified him to take the exam, the results suddenly took the test. Then the other group was ready to start the exam. What is the result of the exam? It is to talk about the achievements of this course, which is much higher than that of the deadly back. You will find a very interesting phenomenon. Once you say that you want to take the exam, the ability of these people to memorize the hard memorization is quickly mobilized. He can remember many nouns explanations. He can remember many pictures and remember many of these concepts, but as long as this test question is deeply understood from the perspective of the overall situation, the application of this thing is deepened, and the deeper discussion is deepened. The grades of the students in that group rose sharply. Because he wants to understand these things from his heart. And the person who prepared to cope with the exam more mobilized the death memorization.

There is a characteristic of death to memorize this thing, that is, remembering quickly, forgetting fast. This is called short -term memory. We are too familiar with short -term memory. Because we only need to take the exam. We all know that before the exam is the most important, forget it immediately after the test. This is the result of death.

So, do we say that we are pursuing experience or pursuit of results? If we simply use the test to measure all the results, then these people participating in learning often become passive, unwilling to understand, only want to get high scores, just want to quickly memorize, forget quickly, forget quickly Essence

However, if you do n’t take the test as the goal, and take the application as the goal, we learn this thing to speak, and to learn this thing to improve our lives. Therefore, this is why everyone can understand. Now you have participated in Fan Deng to study and listen to my book. You have learned a lot of things. Sometimes, it is easier for you to remember what you learned in college in the past.

why? Without external pressure, no one wants to test you. Although we will have a test question behind each book -that test question is just to help you. No one will deduct your credits because your test questions are not good. Therefore, this is a very important experiment that stimulates inner power. This allows us to know that mobilizing internal power learning is much better than through external assessment.

So, what are the risks of external control? If we are in an organization or family, only external control is emphasized all day. What is the risk?

The first risk is that once it starts to start easily.

Once this family, this father, or this mother is accustomed to using rewards to seduce children to play piano, pull the violin, learn, and memorize words, they may continue in the future. In addition, if you do n’t learn and you ca n’t feel this thing, you wo n’t change it. This family will form a very bad atmosphere and continue. Talk about everything to do everything, and say what you let me play, how long you let me play games.

The second risk is that if you use external control methods to treat children or employees, people are likely to take shortcuts.

This author met a teacher when he was a child. There is a bookshelf behind their classroom. In order to encourage everyone to read more, her way is to register when you take a book, such as remembering James and taking a book. Then one day, and one day I took another book.

Later, they discovered that the teacher would reward everyone to read more about things like laptops and other things according to the number of books.

You said, is it a good thing from the perspective of this teacher? The teacher must want to do good deeds, hoping that children can read more. However, when this rule was discovered by the children -this author continuously picks up books every day, registered, and quickly returned in the afternoon, and then registered again.

Later, as expected, he got the teacher's reward, but he fell into a deep emptiness. Because he just registered so many names. He didn't read those books at all. We did not achieve the goal of reading more, but I won awards. Because once you use external control, the other party will want to take a shortcut.

The third risk is that external control will bring more problems about fairness. You will find that we have spent a lot of effort to discuss fairness and unfairness -you are unreasonable, you haven't seen what I do, why do you reward him and not reward me?

Therefore, there is a reflection on performance salary. It is our past that we naturally believe that performance salary is important. How much money does it give you, what performance, and how percentage of rewards for you. But now more and more companies have begun to reflect on performance salary. Don't underestimate those 10%or 20%rewards. It suddenly deforms the behavior of this person and changes the relationship between this person and others.

Originally, everyone should work hard to do the company's affairs better, but because I considers how to divide this matter and who is the performance, I simply do the stall I should do, and I do n’t participate in his business. This has led to a decline in performance of the entire company, and it has spent a lot of effort to think about how to allocate interests, and cause many such contradictions and entanglements. This is what we say, if you rely on external control over excessive dependence, will produce the three most obvious results.

If you have to use external incentives -because we feel that in life, you cannot have no external incentives. If you have to use external incentives, how can you make external incentives effective? There are several ways. The first is that it is best to let the motivated person understand the relationship between behavior and results. For example, after we paint the painting, what is the reason for cleaning up this workbench? The reason is not because someone wants to punish, this is not a natural result. The reason is that the next person will use it. This is the relationship between understanding behavior and results.

The second is to stimulate the opponent's sense of victory. Let the other party feel that they can do this. Everyone, knowing that the sense of victory is more important -a sense of victory is a very low -level demand for human beings.

In the book "Inferiority and Excellence", Adler said, the most essential pursuit of man: a sense of belonging and value. The sense of victory is actually a sense of value.

Sheng Kaito is equal to happiness, which is a formula. If you want to feel happiness in your life, you must feel that what you happened in your life and the role you take, you can do what you do. At the same time, it is autonomous, you are willing to do so. As long as these two things are added, they are equivalent to happiness. If you think about it, you have a sense of victory.

Therefore, if we want the other party to get a sense of victory, we need to learn non -controlling praise. We have talked about the second -level feedback in leadership -praise him and say why. This is called non -controlling praise.

What is controlling praise? It is better if you continue to continue this time, and your mother will be happier. If you can do well, what kind of reward I will give you. This is the control of controlling.

Non -controlling praise is that what you did today made me very moved. I think you have grown up. You see, this is a non -controlled praise, which truly express what you feel. This external incentive can effectively enhance the opponent's sense of victory and make the other party more willing to generate motivation from the inside out.

Third, criticize criticism in a way of supporting autonomy. You can't say that there are no criticisms in life, and there will be criticism. However, criticism must be supported by supporting autonomous ways. This is a bit difficult to say.

There is a case: When a nurse was going to infusion to the patient, he forgot to discharge the air in the needle. Fortunately, an old nurse was discovered and stopped in time. After stopping it in time, everyone discussed: In the case of this situation, how should you give this nurse?

One expert immediately stood up and said, this is easy, you have to tell her what the consequences will be in this way. What kind of results will this consequences cause, and in the end what will it affect you. So be careful.

Does it make sense? It must be reasonable, telling her the consequences of medicine, the consequences of work and the consequences of you. So you should pay attention.

But is it really enough? The author said, can we think more deeply? If you ask this nurse: If you don't think there is any consequences of this matter today? Don't this nurse know all this? This is what experts say, and this nurse may be able to say.

So why not ask her first, let her summarize, and let her think about what she will do in the future. This is called a way to support autonomy. It's not that I want to control you, you can't do it in the future, but I want to hear what you plan to do and what do you think. This is called a way to support autonomous ways.

Don't forget how the aunt took medicine, giving him a choice space. At this time, it is easier for him to find the internal motivation to improve.

These things we said earlier are theoretical preparations, let us know why it is important. Because autonomy can bring us immersion, and external control brings us a sense of alienation. No one wants to alienate to live, we all want to immerse life.

Next, we said how important interpersonal connections are in this process. People cannot live in this world alone, and people must have a connection with others to find happiness.

Why are there so many negative people around us and a large number of people in our lives are not what we call immersive life. A large number of people are forced to be forced to study, forced work, and so on. Some people are even forced to educate their children -I don't want to bear this responsibility. I don't want to learn how to be a parent so complicatedly. I feel very painful. But there is no way, this is forced by social responsibility, I can only do so.

Why are so many people in our lives be so alienated? The reason is that most people are exposed to different degrees of control and negative environment. Regardless of whether the East or the West, this negative environment is too common. Therefore, most people live in such an environment.

There are two most important bad environments:

One is no motivation. What is no motivation? This is relatively rare in China, but when you go to the United States, you can see such a scene: You see many young people standing on the street without expression, and then the state of free, walk from the street to the street and shake it Shake away, there is no goal. This situation is no motivation.

This bad situation is completely lacking education, completely lacking the impact of society, and the information that society brings to him is confusing. His values ​​were not established, so it was completely chaotic and no motivation. This comes from lack of education. The other is a lot of us. You will see that many people are like an automatic machine. The automatic machine is to work hard every day, work overtime desperately every day, and make money every day. Then make a lot of money to put it there, and I don't know what to do. This is called an automatic machine every day. The condition of this automatic machine often comes from excessive education.

So, you now know why Confucius is amazing? Confucius said that it was too late. Neither of these two ends, the result you do not educate and excessive education at all, one is no motivation, I don't know what to do, nothing to do; But I just kept busy. Both of these conditions are alienated and negative.

How do I get the sense of victory and autonomy we mentioned earlier? There is a very important principle here, which is that perception is important. This sense of victory and autonomy is not defined by others.

For example, others come here and tell you: "Fan Deng, I think you are competent for a lecture, you are also very autonomous."

Why do you say me that? How do you know what I think in my heart? You have to find a way to make the other party feel that he is competent, he feels that it is his choice, and he is autonomous. At this time he was able to live happily. If there is no such perception, what about the result? It is stiff and lacks natural vitality.

You go to see Confucius -this is what Mr. Liang Shuming said, and Confucius's biggest feature is lively. All these things he do are from the inside out. He did not do this because one person asked him to do this, so you would find that he lived alive, happily, and lived like this every day.

So what is benevolence? Confucius Lao Ren. Ren is feelings, whether you can clearly feel these happiness. Feeling your own competence and autonomy, this is determined by our own heart.

The third and very important psychological needs are connections. If people really reach complete freedom, what you need is competence, autonomy and connection. You can be established with others, may not be independent -that is, there is a connection, not necessarily that you cannot be independent.

In this book, the author has a friend who goes to sea for a week every month. If a person goes to the sea alone, there is no connection with the people around him. You think, there is no signal to go to the sea, driving a small boat, "The small boat has passed from now on, and the river sends the rest of my life."

Going to the sea to drift for a week, fishing or living, living his independent life. One week later, returned home. He did not hate this family. He did not hate the life, so the author said that he was completely connected with his family and was completely connected with society, but he still maintained his independence. This is what we say that independence and connection are not contradictory.

There is a new concept here. This is one of the biggest concepts inspired by me in this book -internalization of social values, there are two ways.

What is the internalization of social values? That is, you have gradually spent adolescence. After reaching adult society, you have accepted a lot of social values. You feel reliable, you feel responsible, you feel that it is important to create value for society. It is important to feel honest and trustworthy. You see, this is social values, but this thing is accepted by you, there are two different internalization methods.

One of the internalization methods is called internal camera. "Photo" is the "photography" of photography, internal camera.

What is the internal photography? That is, you swallow this values.

You said, "I remember, my father educated me, it is necessary to be reliable and honest." You came in. After the internal camera is taken, you will gradually form a false self.

What is false self? I have to do so.

Why? Because this is a man's responsibility, I have to do so. Because this is the result of internal camera, you did not accept it, you were just forced. And this kind of forced false self often comes from the condition that has conditioned love and respect -if you are not reliable, I will not love you. If you are not honest and trustworthy, I will not love you, and I will not respect you, and you will not get what you should get. External people use this method to instill values ​​to you.

The result is that you will include all it into the body, but in fact you don't love it. If you want to understand this feeling, you go to see those big villains in the blockbuster. As long as the blockbuster is filmed, the big villain must have to be. He will feel that I am forced, and I have to bear such a responsibility. The reason why I do such a bad thing is because I am going to be a person. He took it inside and didn't understand it, but swallowed it inner.

There is a word here called self -involved. What is self -involved? For example, you think wealth is important. It is an indicator that measures your value. After the self -involved, you integrate your self and wealth. Do you think that if I can live well, it depends on how much money I make. This is called self -involved.

For another example, someone was involved in myself, saying whether I was happy, or not, or not, just to see my figure. So, as long as I get a little bit, as long as I am not so good today, I will be frustrated immediately and it will be painful immediately. Some people are involved in things like prestige, reputation, status, and professional titles. For example, sometimes some civil servants, in order to be able to upgrade, how painful. He struggled desperately with the people around him, and even used illegal means. Doesn't he know that the results of illegal means are worse?

No way, he was involved in himself by himself. He lost his self. He believes that self is position, self is wealth, self is body, and self is reputation. This is called self -involved.

Once you are the values ​​of internal camera, you are prone to self -involved. The result brought by the situation of self -involved is that you have only one conditional self -esteem. Your level of self -esteem comes completely from whether you succeed and whether you defeated others.

In the same way, if you see Su Dongpo, he is a degradation of me to Huangzhou, I also have self -esteem, you let me degrade Hainan Island, and I also have self -esteem people. I have what I am happy to do, I have the invention and creation I want to do, the poems I have to write, and so on. His self -esteem is not a conditional self -esteem, but a true self -esteem.

Therefore, the author deeply reflects the cost of materialist values. Over the years in the United States, it has been a matter of materialism for so many years. The so -called American dream, such as "The Great Gatsby". Everyone thinks that you can occupy a place in society, buy a luxury mansion, can get reputation, be interviewed by newspapers, and succeed. Your American dream is realized.

What is the value -oriented value orientation of this materialism? The gap between the rich and the poor is getting bigger and bigger, and people's happiness becomes lower and lower. Rich and rich people are unhappy. Rich people are also very painful, and people who have no money are even more painful. This is the price brought by materialist values.

Therefore, the author said that individualism is not equal to autonomy. You thought you said, "I am all for myself, I have the right to selfishness, can I plan for myself." Is this really autonomous? You are just a little bit of self -involved.

When you are involved in yourself, you think you are the master, but in fact, those external desires are the master. Reading the original words in a book, he said: "Real self -esteem and freedom and responsibility accompanied each other."

"True self -esteem is not the same as those who think they will not make mistakes. Those who have true self -esteem know that behavior is right or wrong, because it is accompanied by integrated values ​​and rules. It does not depend on these evaluations.

"However, there is another type of self -esteem, which is not stable and lacks a sense of security in terms of fundamental value. This self -esteem exists in some cases, but it disappears in other circumstances. People are exhausted and self -degrading. This is conditional self -esteem ... In fact, self -involved in controlling people is because he is accompanied by conditional self -esteem. "

If all the achievements of your life depends on the external conditions -here is very complicated, that is, the external conditions, not only what we just said, but also things such as money, reputation, appearance, and figure, but also include family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family, but also family. others.

I have seen some female friends say that I divorced my husband and I collapsed. I can't live again. Because all my pillars collapsed.

You are involved in yourself. You are an independent personality, and you have a complete and independent self -esteem system. But you are decided by others.

The book also talks about intimate relationships. He said: "The most mature and satisfactory relationship is that one person's true self is associated with the other true self. Everyone depends on each other, but everyone maintains his autonomy, completeness, and self -self, and self -self, and self -self, and self -self, and self -self, and self -self, self -self, and self -self, and self -self, self -self, and self -self, and self -self, and self -self, and their own self. Consciousness. To some extent, everyone is autonomous and has a real choice. This relationship will be healthy. Both partners can respond to each other's true self and support each other's personality and characteristics. "

It is very simple to read, it is really difficult to achieve it. Because you will find that you are involved in yourself, it is a common phenomenon of society. We often take external substances as our inner goals. But in fact, you are involved in it, you give up your true self -esteem, but find a conditional self -esteem. A series of consequences it brings is that even if you get that thing, you are still unhappy.

So, do you know that Confucius said, what does forty mean? Now we will re -understand the words of forty. You know this sentence. Fourteen years old are not confused about foreign objects, and they are no longer stumbled by these reputation, money, status, and fame and fortune. This is a process of finding true self -esteem. By the age of forty, you should start to understand this.

Real autonomy is to learn to be responsible for others. Therefore, an adult must be able to learn a lot of important but boring things. Many things are not done because of fun, but because it is important. This is a responsibility that you are willing to bear. This is a process of truly growing and mature on behalf of a person.

Even if you do the "sweeping road", you can go to the public toilet. You can bring a joy and be able to take a sense of responsibility from the heart. You can feel your connection with this society. This is why we say why interpersonal connections are looking for autonomy, which is very important. You know that there is a responsibility between you and others, there is a connection relationship. Therefore, there are two words here that are important:

The first sentence: Supporting autonomy is not equal to indulgence. We said earlier that we support children's autonomy, support nurses, and support employees, which does not mean indulgence.

The second sentence: The setting boundary is not equal to harsh. Conversely, blame may not really set the boundaries. Therefore, this is the importance of interpersonal connection.

Next, we reach the stage of practice -how to promote autonomy?

First of all, we said, how do you promote the autonomy of others? I think this is what many people are willing to learn. How do you promote your child's autonomy? How to promote employees' autonomy?

The method here is that you have to do a lot of support for autonomy.

First, the choice is mentioned earlier. Let children participate and let employees participate.

For example, sometimes my son does not want to write homework at night.

He said, "I plan to get up tomorrow morning."

No problem, as long as you are willing to get up tomorrow morning, you can do this. This is how we allow children to make such an attempt. He will feel autonomy.

However, if parents think that it must be written now, and it is not allowed to sleep now. At this time, the child's resistance came out immediately. He believes that this life is not arranged by himself.

Therefore, after my son tried to get up in the morning and wrote his homework several times, I asked him, "Are you sleepy?"

He said, "It's still a bit sleepy early."

I said, "Then you can master the time."

He now slowly becomes finished at night to finish his homework. You don't need to compete with him at all. Let him explore and let him experience it. With his choice of choice, he can be autonomous.

Second, we say that we must learn to help the other party set the boundary of support. This setting supports autonomous boundaries is that you have to make him realize that choosing to represent responsibility. If you have such rights to make such a choice, you represent your responsibility to bear such consequences. No matter who this is, we must be able to feel that we are born with freedom, but there is no rule.

Then make the boundaries loosen as much as possible. We don't need to make that boundary very harsh. Loose a more room for the other party.

Then distinguish the consequences and punishment. The child did not do it, or the employee did not do it, he should bear the consequences. However, it is not an inexplicable punishment. Can't pull an unreasonable thing to punish him.

Someone said, if you can't do it, I will no longer trust you. Excuse me: Is it possible to be trusted, is it consequences or punishment? You can think about this thinking question. Is it consequences or punishment?

Anyway, from my perspective, I think that no matter what the children do wrong, as parents, they must always maintain their trust in him. Therefore, trust cannot be punished for the consequences.

The same is true for employees. If trust is gone, of course, cooperation should be lifted. Therefore, since it is maintained, it means that you should trust him.

Therefore, I personally think that it is an inexplicable punishment, and I cannot give punishment with distrust. However, you can tell him that if you do this, you will lose your trust in you and you will lose your general trust. This is the consequences. I will continue to give you a chance, I will continue to trust you, but you may encounter such obstacles, it is that others may not trust you. This is called consequences.

Therefore, it is not for threat, but to deduce with him. This is the degree that we need to grasp, which is really not that simple.

Third, supporting autonomous behaviors also include helping him to establish goals, recalled performance with him, and give rewards and recognition.

Give rewards and recognition, remember that we have said earlier -do not use control methods to reward and recognize, to support positive behaviors, not to control him. In this part, everyone must listen to the content of "Copy Leadership" about the second -level feedback.

Fourth, identify obstacles in advance. The identification obstacle may be in this process, what problems may be. I thought in advance to make the pavement in advance and then solve it.

Fifth, helping the other party to explore self -motivation is the most important way to change him.

For example, how many people want to quit alcohol, how many people want to quit smoking, and how many people want to lose weight. This is what common people want to do. However, how many people can't do it, and many people give up half of them.

Well, why do we know that it is wrong, we blame ourselves all day, but it is invalid. There is a very important reason here. The author said that self -blame often makes this matter continue. He kept blame himself, "I can't, I can't control myself. I just like to eat ice cream at night. I just like to drink some wine. The more you blame you, the more you don't change.

The reason is simple. The author said: "Alcoholism, smoking, and overeating are purposeful. They are tied to anxiety and are a way to evade stress and bring comfort. For example, drinking can reduce people's loneliness Feeling; eating can no longer be afraid of being rejected; smoking can help people tolerate the nervousness when encountering a group of people in social occasions. Each of these behaviors can serve many different purposes, so that people are unwilling to want Abandon them. "So, if you simply blame yourself, you are just very painful, and then make a plan for yourself, you have not explored the root. You don't know why you smoke, drink, and eat a lot of things.

You make a determination, this is fragile. This can only appear until those uncomfortable feelings appear again. When you are in depression, the next time you encounter social fear, and the next time you feel rejected, you will immediately take these tools.

Therefore, if you want to successfully change your behavior, you must start with your own motivation. what does that mean? It means you want to ask themselves: why change, and frankly think about your answer to this question.

"If the reason they think of is that others put pressure on them, or think that they should change for a longer time, or to maintain a certain image, then this is very bad. Force, and it is unlikely to stimulate meaningful changes ... because they lack personal support. "

What is the easiest thing? "Making changes is a decision that can only be made by individuals." This sentence is very powerful,

You have to know that if you quit smoking, quit drinking, quit overeating, and quit your temper, you can only be a decision by individuals for yourself. So, when you talk about it, you understand why we talk about "This book allows you to quit smoking". That book really allows many people to quit smoking.

The reason is very simple. It tells you that this is your decision and this is a choice you make. So, just like taking off a pair of unpopular shoes, you have no uncomfortable. Because you really realize that smoking is not good. Therefore, you have this motivation from the heart.

There is a tips for everyone who wants to quit smoking: When others are handing to you, do not say "I am quitting smoking." When you say "I am quitting smoking", it means that it is external motivation, which comes from pressure -I can't smoke anymore. Because I'm quit smoking.

No, you should say: I don't smoke. You change "I am quitting smoking" to "I don't smoke." The success rate of this smoking cessation will be much higher.

In fact, I can also understand why I do n’t drink alcohol, I do n’t smoke, and I do n’t have the habit of overeating, maybe because I have not encountered those pain, and I did n’t encounter so many high -intensity anxiety. So you don't need that motivation.

We should understand that some people are really difficult to make such changes. Because we didn't see the roots. The root is the demand. You understand that demand to explore his true self -motivation.

Once you find this thing, you can change. Therefore, this part is to say how we promote others' autonomy.

Next, the question we want to solve is: How do we be autonomous ourselves?

Because each of us will almost have some control. We all live in the control environment. Therefore, the author raises a question: Why are there so many people succeeded in adversity?

He gave Lincoln's example and cited the examples of other great men. From a young age, he was beaten, controlled, and scolded, but in the end, he could become a very active and active person and contributed to everyone.

what is the reason?

The first reason may be that everyone's psychological characteristics are unique. People are different from people's psychological characteristics.

The second reason is that in the process of growing up, they may encounter a character that will have an impact on him. For example, some people encountered a good basketball coach, some people met a good life mentor, and some people met a person who would make sense to him. Or someone meets a person who really loves him, and may have an impact on him and reversing his ideas.

The third reason is that everyone's interpretation of the external environment is different. If you explain to the external environment, I hate them, they bully me, I endure it now, and I will bully others in the future.

"Innocence and transcendence" is clear, then you will become a person who brings greater pain and pressure to others. But if your explanation is, they are also for me, I can understand their hard work; then, I reflect on how to do better. This is different explanations.

Therefore, in adversity, someone will always succeed.

Then, this motivation has different individual differences. If you can make adjustments in your own motivation. For example, your self -guiding ability improves, and then your self -esteem level will rise, and your ability to realize your self -realization will rise.

Therefore, if you really listen to your heart, you are willing to go back to do some improvements, change your own way of thinking, and improve your own ability, and your life will change very greatly.

There is a sentence for everyone: the environment of the environment on us is extremely powerful -the surrounding environment will definitely have a huge impact on us, but you know that people can change all of this. The external environment, even if your parents' education is wrong, the school's education method is wrong, and the company's education method is wrong, but you can still change it all. Therefore, instead of waiting for this world to change, it is better to do something more actively. When this truth is here, I actually understand it.

If you think about it, instead of being forced to do those things, you should take the initiative to do something. This is like the boss asked you to work overtime. In the process of asking overtime, how do you understand this matter, it plays a decisive role.

If your way of understanding is that I am too unlucky. When I encounter such a boss who loves overtime, I will find a chance in the future. I must leave this place, then you are passively working overtime. However, overtime has not changed. You are actually working out of work in pain.

But if you can think about it: the recent time is quite fast. I can also fight with everyone. I spend so much time doing this, I will definitely become an expert.

At this time, it was such a little change. The way you do this, the way, method, and mood of this matter are completely different. You will really learn that things that do not be scheduled to take the exam, and you can remember it longer. Therefore, sometimes changes come from a thought in our hearts.

So how can we get this ability to change? That's why you can think so, and I don't think so? There are several core abilities here.

The first is the ability to control emotions. Here, why do we hate so many people so much to the boss, or do n’t they like the teacher so much, and feel forced? This is because you can't control your emotions, your anger, your sadness, your sadness, and pain of pain control you, you can't have more correct ideas.

Therefore, controlling your emotions has become the most important ability. Control emotions are not depression and numb, saying that I pretend not to be angry, and I pretend to be a smile. No, this is not called controlling emotions. This is depression, which will make this emotion stronger. One day, it will break out.

The control emotion lies in acceptance, and the premise of acceptance is to relax. We should learn to re -understand external threats.

Everyone knows how the external threat came? From self -involved.

The so -called control emotion is a process of re -evaluation. I think this sentence is so exciting in this book. Control emotion is a process of re -evaluation.

What is re -evaluation? That is, you have to know that a person who is involved in yourself is particularly easy to be threatened by others. For example, I regard wealth as everything, so at this time, if I see someone challenging my wealth, I will immediately react. Because I think this is my everything, you make me angry.

If I see the official position as everything of me and I get involved in my official position, then whoever affects me promotes, I will fight with him. He is particularly vulnerable to external threats. Therefore, his emotions are particularly excited.

Everyone knows that we have also said "Feeling Love" before, and said, where does fear come from? Fear comes from sensitivity. A mouse runs from the side. What impact does that mouse have on you? In fact, the mouse has no effect. Even if the mouse accidentally stepped on your feet and ran over, it did not have much impact on you. However, you will suddenly jump up -wow, it's terrible, scare me.

why? sensitive. Excessive sensitivity will bring excessive fear. But if you can be a little blunt, you are not so sensitive, and the mouse runs, what are you afraid of?

Everyone lives in this world, fair. Therefore, if we have not excessively involved in ourselves, living is not for the outer indicators. A violation is considered a threat. You can easily become calm. And this kind of calmness brings the opportunity to re -think emotions. Therefore, you can control your emotions.

I think this reason is really thorough. The biggest contribution of this book is that it lets us know that autonomy comes from controlling emotions. Control emotions come from do not be involved.

You see, why does Confucius doesn't matter? Some people threatened his official position and it didn't matter; some said that he was not academic and it didn't matter; some people said that he was exhausted if he lost his family.

Why? Because of his self -dignity, the goal of his life is the process of wanting to complete his own unity of heaven and man. What he wants to pursue is to understand the truth, and he is not in these evaluations at all. Therefore, he will not be so sensitive, not so scared, and not so worried. He has the ability to regulate his emotions.

Therefore, this is what we say, the most important thing you want to be autonomous in the control environment is that you have to have the core ability of controlling emotions.

The second ability is to regulate flexibility. If all your values ​​are taken inside, from the swallowing jujube land to leave the external values ​​in the body -saying that my dad told me that it would be like this to be a father, and my dad told me that this would be like this. If you take it in completely, it will bring rigid instead of flexibility. However, if you are like Confucius, you understand these things, know the ins and out, and know why you do this -I am not forced to be responsible, but I know that responsibility is favorable for me and bears. Responsibility is beneficial to the operation of the whole world. At this time, you can handle various problems flexibly.

Have we talked about a book called "Elastic"? This book is about psychological flexibility. Therefore, you can control your emotions and have psychological flexibility, and you can rethink everything that happens in life.

Don't think of them as "there is no way, no, I can only, don't force me". Instead, I regard it as "I am voluntarily, I am happy, I like to do such things, this is my responsibility." This is what we say that the most effective way to be autonomous in control is to change your values. Changing emotions from values, re -understanding the threats around the emotions, and then becoming a choice. Never choice becomes a choice.

So, where is the starting point of all changes? It is to accept yourself. this point is very important.

We have talked about a lot of this book, and I have also done "I Have a question" to answer a lot of questions. Many people's questions are: Why can't I change it? I am always like this, but I can't change it.

My answer always says: Don't criticize yourself, the more criticized yourself, the more you can't change it. Because your level of self -esteem is constantly declining. You have consumed a lot of effort to criticize yourself, so you have no strength to change.

You really want to change, first step, accept. Although I am a disadvantage, although I am a person who makes mistakes, although I am a person who has hurt others, I still love myself, I am willing to accept myself, and I can do better.

You see, when you accept yourself, you can have autonomous emotions and have your own choice. With the choice of self, we can do things step by step. Therefore, the starting point of the change here is to accept yourself.

Finally, we said, what is the significance of pursuing autonomy?

First of all, we know that most people in this society are pursuing the freedom of personal goals.

What is the freedom of personal goals? I want to pursue the freedom of wealth. I want to pursue freedom of buying a house. I want to pursue the freedom of buying a company. Various personal goals are endless. You even have hundreds of billions of people, and tens of trillion people always feel that their money is not enough, and more money is needed. The freedom of this personal goal has led us to abandon most of the personal freedom.

This sounds like a password -because you need to pursue many personal goals, so you give up many personal freedom. You have done a lot of things you don't want to do,

And what is true freedom? The last article is discussing with us, what is true freedom. I think this topic is worthy of our serious research.

The author said: "Freedom means true autonomy. It means a self -criticism that is not subject to internal and rigid internal systems, paralyzed self -criticism, and the constraints of the power of denying restrictions. Freedom means autonomous autonomy Willing means that people are controlled by real self in their actions. "This is his definition of freedom.

The social environment does cause a lot of constraints, which will affect this level of personal freedom. However, it cannot determine the degree of freedom, that is, the social environment can only affect our degree of freedom, but it cannot determine our degree of freedom.

How can I judge whether a person is free? You see, "If someone enters a certain situation and immediately starts the people around him, then he is not autonomous."

"Because the real autonomy is accompanied by the connection, it also involves respecting others. Those who send orders to the people around them from the beginning undoubtedly felt the pressure from the inside or outside, so trying to control others. This is just a kind of pressure. Expression. If a person is autonomous, he will first accept the environment and then try to change it immediately. "

Therefore, the author said that the real freedom will not immediately point out to "once the power is in hand, and then take the order". He should first observe, then accept, and integrate. Then, everyone maintains respect and solve the problem together, instead of using control methods.

Great control of control represents a strong sense of insecurity. He didn't find it autonomous. The feeling of autonomy is from the heart.

Every article in this book is really worth reading. Although so thin, this is a classic book in psychology.

In the end, because I know that you will feel difficult after listening to this book. I understand this principle now. It is really important to feel autonomous, and it is important to make children autonomous, but I still want to control it. I think it is difficult. This kind of words are too much and have no help to yourself.

Therefore, the author said at the end: "At the same time, the weakness of the man is obvious, and it can restrict the freedom of people from essence. To be responsible for ourselves, it requires us to accept this responsibility, rather than succumbing to the power of chaos and control. The author can understand that it is not easy to everyone, can understand the weakness of human nature, and understand that we are particularly easy to control. They especially want to control control. Others. But, you have to believe that although there are so many chaos and control in the outside world, we must take our responsibility. We have to make our own choice and re -understand how we look at things and how to look at things. , Can we change ourselves, then affect our children and affect the people around us.

I hope this book can remind everyone how important the internal motivation is. We hope that everyone can live in the heart. You have to feel at least a few times a day in the feelings of the heart, and you can feel that you are immersed and the lives around you are blended with the surrounding life, instead of alienating the land and painful life.

There are a few words in this book. I hope everyone can remember: internal camera is not good, the self -involved is not good, and the alienation is not good. So what is good? Integration is good, real is good, autonomous is good. I hope everyone can live a better life.

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