Modern people have no told relatives to get married

Japanese drama "Quartet"

I didn't even tell my parents and relatives.

When talking about the topic of disconnection (actively leaving some relatives with blood), Xiaobailong said.

In most cases, the broken relatives are not decisive to cut off the relationship: aside from the expectations of the relationship between tradition and family, alienation, leaving a certain blood relationship, and establishing a border that make you comfortable.

It may not be fierce, nor will it hurt others.

In fact, this break in this sense is more like a relationship. It is transmitting such a message: My autonomy in the relationship is important. An independent person has the right to establish a border that makes it comfortable in the relationship, and has the right to dislike and stay away -even if the other party is your relative.

We found a few editors, talked about the broken family experience they experienced, and took a look.

I have not told my parents until now

Yes, I didn't even tell my parents and relatives. The relationship between the husband and wife is much simpler, and the quarrel will not take others as an excuse and guise to solve the problems between the two people. It is much easier than solving the problems of the two family members on TV. Now life is harmonious and happy, and I have not encountered any problems caused by not telling them.

It is also simple to reach this state, as long as you don't give the other party's information source. You make your friends, talk about your love, and get your marriage. If you are sure that these are only related to yourself, and you don't want to be disrupted by others, then: No, to say.

Those who may be used to reporting everything with parents and relatives will be afraid of doing this, but you can calm down and think about it, what points will be scary? Are you afraid to be scolded after being discovered? Is it easier for being scolded and applied to some unreasonable opinions?

More importantly, it is not so easy to be discovered? As long as you do n’t say, your friend does n’t say, do n’t you say it, how can you be found?

Many things will be nervous before you do, and you can make it clever when you practice. The first time I do n’t tell it for a while, it will be much easier after a few times. After 100 times: This is the life I want.

Relatives can be selected

After thinking about it, I have never deliberately made a dear behavior, but the status quo is indeed a state of completely disconnect with some relatives. In a clear comparison, I have maintained a very close one with another relative. , Relationship like a friend.

I have read a sentence before: Friends are the family we can choose when we grow up. I think relatives can also choose.

It is natural to disconnect with some relatives. I do n’t hate them, and I have never had any conflicts. I just felt that it was not all the way. The trajectory of life when I grew up was far away, and there was not much emotional foundation. It was natural to break off.

I also refused to visit my relatives and friends. Since it is broken, it is not necessary at all. Fortunately, my parents understood me very much. I did not force me to participate in some occasions, respect my will, and even willing to provide excuses for my non -attending (although I do n’t think it is necessary).

Another part of the relatives who remain closely connected, maybe because most of them are in Beijing, we will keep a frequent gathering, and we can talk about everything like friends together, including the discussion of the big topic of emotional topics and the meaning of life, and we will also intervene in Life with each other to understand each other's friends circle is an important part of emotional support.

When we were young, we did not have much autonomous choice. Basically, we were basically obeying the wishes of our parents. The relationship between relatives was often helpless. But when we grow up, we can choose who can play with, and choose the standard for more self -feelings and quality of relations, rather than what is given by the outside world. In a sense, it can be regarded as part of the freedom of growing up. Of course, this freedom also needs to strive for yourself.

In any matter, choice is a very important part of freedom. Don't forget that we have another choice. We have always owned another choice.

After truly independent, it is not so difficult to break relatives

I have a cousin who is a teenager, and I have taken my brother and sister from an early age, so I have always hated her, but it is a relative anyway. Essence

After starting to work, she returned home for a year, and she was particularly reluctant to me. I got her wedding ring into the sewer. After finding the ring elsewhere, her hippie face came to apologize to me. I scolded back directly and hacked her WeChat, and since now I have almost no communication.

Later, I felt that at that time, I finally had the courage to resist her because I was psychologically independent and I would no longer feel that this was a relative of my parents. I was a child of my parents, so I also like her. On the contrary, it is my own thing to like her. (And after that, her relationship with my dad was actually good, but it was not good to me, but it did not affect it.)

In addition, I have economic independence. At that time, she set up tens of thousands of furniture money for my dad. I thought that if she really turned his face to let us pay back the money immediately, he could also throw my own money directly on her face. (Money is really a good thing!)

▷ Korean drama "Romantic constitution"

However, I don't say that I must break my relatives, or that only the relatives can prove my independence.

My parents came all the way with their brothers and sisters all the way, witnessing the highlights and troughs of their respective life, everyone resisted together, and they also took turns to eat New Year's Eve dinner in the New Year. This model is also in their world. Last. After I left home, I rarely experience this close relationship. Anyway, the focus is on what you feel, and the best one is the best.

The benefits of alienation of family members

The broken relatives sound unusual, but the phenomenon of alienation of family members is by no means rare.

Nearly 40% of the subjects in the field of research on family alienation/germs have gone away from their parents and adult children.

Through these research, psychologists confirmed at least 4 facts:

1. Alienation often occurs gradually. Unlike the decisive decisiveness of the dark, people are more likely to experience alienated vs reconciliation cycle, swaying back and forth between intimacy and indifference. The trigger factors usually look insignificant, but it reflects longer and depth issues.

2. The main reason why parents and their children have a severity is:

Oppose other relationships with children, or children subvert the parents' own values ​​and expectations. On the contrary, the most common reasons for children are emotional abuse, such as behavioral control and humiliation criticism.

3. Some other elements that lead to alienation:

◍ Divorce;

度 Children have high education. When children develop their own value system, they are more likely to conflict with their parents. It is easier to alienate in geographical location, and it is unlikely to be economically needed for each other;

胁 Family culture is more coercive. If family members have more space for self -choice, intergenerational relations are usually not easy to alienate;

The process of urbanization accelerates. When the social environment can provide support for personal development, the size of the family will become smaller, and the intergenerational gap may also rise;

视 The emphasis on mental health. When people are increasingly aware of the psychological consequences of a toxic relationship, alienation is more likely to occur.

4. In research, more than 80% of people feel that alienation has brought positive results, such as: freedom, independence.

Choose a child who chooses to alienate family members is easy to be stigmatized in culture and morality: selfishness, filial piety, individualism ... When we are in it, we can feel that maintaining a distance from family members is a last resort. Rather than alienation, it is a kind of self -protection.

Of course, alienation is not the only choice. The study also found that most of the interviewers who want to find the reconciliation method have reported deep personal growth.

But if you say that you can't do it and don't want to reconcile?

It doesn't matter, the gap does not always need to be repaired. Real life means that we need to abandon a perfectionism, that is, abandoning others must be the ideal appearance in my mind, and stay away from unnecessary pain.

The TV series "It's pretty good"

Broken relatives are not an easy task: it requires us to respect enough of our needs in the relationship, and be able to bear the cost of disappointing others.

Broken relatives are not the only way, it is just a choice. The important thing is that in this exploration, we gradually have such a confirmation:

Nothing can affect the criteria I am worthy of this matter. I always have the right to choose the relationship I want.

Edit: Li Qiwei, Responsible Editor: Kuma

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