Several conversation skills, let you dare to say your inner voice

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The following is the audio of the full text of Miss Sister

Author | Tang Johnson

Translation | Chen Jiatong

Reward | Yi Li

Audit | Yan Jiajing

Reading | Pigeon Tsai

Artist | Old carving worm

Edit | Xiaoyu

"Don't be afraid of the conversation you are doing. Fear of the dialogue you don't have." - Susan Scott.

Have you ever felt that it was difficult to say your true thoughts? We have all had it. If we can't achieve 100 % honesty to others, this is usually because of us:

Don't want to be rejected.

Don't want to disrupt each other or destroy our relationship with them.

Don't want to talk out of control.

I don't know how to propose a problem cleverly.

However, when you do not tell your thoughts honestly, the problem will appear: you feel uncomfortable because you are in your heart because you are in your heart. These ideas and feelings often accumulate, and then erupt when they are angry. For example, you will say a sentence like "You always do that" or "You have never done so".

People want to know what happened. They felt that you had something to say, but you didn't say it.

If you work in a team, but just refuse to express just because you think good thoughts and collective thinking, you may just hinder the success of the team inadvertently.

The most difficult part of honest speaking is often the entry point -that is, what to say and what to say. If the conversation starts cleverly, it may go more smoothly. If you are not sure how to start, there are four strategies here to help you start revealing honest thoughts.

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01 Aware of your brain

Human brain processing information is faster than people speak. Even if we are listening, our brain is still running, and many thinking. Most of us have a relatively good "filtering" mechanism, so we will monitor and manage a series of ideas and feelings in any conversation.

However, when we suppress our words and speak completely different words from real thoughts and feelings, the problem will occur. When we said, "It's great, I look forward to talking to you soon", our inner voice is saying, "I have no interest in talking to you, never." When you don't say you When you think and feel, you no longer belong to yourself.

Former Harvard Professor Chris Agris, and former professor Donald Sean, a former professor at MIT, created a tool to improve communication efficiency, called the "left -handed bar frame". In the class, Agris will ask students to draw a piece of paper in the middle. In the column on the left, they will write down the idea of ​​not talking when the conversation. In the column on the right, they will write down what everyone actually says. In most cases, these two columns look completely different. In a difficult conversation, the column on the left is often full of harmful thoughts, feelings, judgments, accusations, assumptions and criticisms. They are usually responding to sad things. We did not deliberately seek these discordant voices, but when Agris asked students to write these ideas, these ideas that could not be explained slowly surfaced.

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When you can't manage these depressed thoughts, you may::

Say "yes" to what you don't want to do, or you have no opinion on what you are dissatisfied.

Suppressing your emotions and becoming angry.

Sending contradictions -you may say one thing, but think about another.

Suppressing your inner voice may not only bring psychological problems to you, but also may also cause others to be unhappy: when someone is incomplete to himself, everyone will notice it. We will notice their tone and body language. Therefore, people will perceive this.

We all know that it is impossible to talk about the words that we cannot speak in the most primitive and harmful form. In the future, we will be sad to say some rude words, and we will seriously damage the relationship between the two parties. But if you suppress these ideas for too long, you may eventually say something you regret.

So there is a problem in front of us. The thoughts that you are suppressed are harmful, and it has just appeared. You can't say, nor can you not say, because others will be aware of your true thoughts in the end. However, if you do not solve these ideas that you have accumulated harmful, it is difficult for you to maintain honesty and respect in the conversation again.

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The following is a way to help you clear these ideas.

First of all, we must realize that the appearance of being suppressed is because what you care about are in danger. Ask yourself: What do I care about threatened? What trouble me?

For example: meeting on time is important to me. I cherish the time of myself and others. If someone is late for dating, I will be annoyed, and my heart will think "they are late again. What are their problems? Idiot. Do they care about others?"

When I answered the above questions, I found that the reason why I felt unwilling was that I was often late and did not let me know in advance as the time that I didn't understand me and respect me. I can express this idea honestly and respectfully through the following ways: "I have a problem. We have discussed the importance of time before; we are all busy. We agreed to meet at 3 pm. You arrive at 3:15, But I didn't tell me that you were late. I don't think you are respected. I know you don't want to do this either. What happened to tell me? "

I do this does not mean that the problem is solved. I have to deal with this problem. However, at least I did not suppress my anger. I mentioned honestly and respectfully, this is the most important.

The main point here is: the suppressed idea is actually full of many valuable information, which contains your basic principles. Therefore, you have to learn to treat your inner thoughts objectively.

Express yourself with honesty and respect. Use phrases such as "I care about ...", "My feelings are ..." or "My point of view is ..." to start your problem.

02 There is a mentality of learning

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The mentality of learning is based on the incomplete hypothesis of everyone's views on the world. Therefore, those who have a learning mentality are open to others' ideas and views. A person with a learning mentality realizes that their subjective experience may be different from others. On the other hand, those who have closed thinking believe that their views on the world are the only possible reality. The closed mentality makes us lack openness of others' ideas. We must maintain a good image at all costs and prove that others are wrong.

When you have a learning mentality, it is much easier to speak honestly. The purpose of your speaking is not to persuade others, but to inform, share and create dialogue. You don't have to figure out everything before speaking. You have the right to make comments, make suggestions, or make a possible solution.

Here are three ways to speak with learning mentality:

Distinguish your opinions and the facts that can be observed, and use the attitude of "in my opinion ..." "The way I look at this question ..." to express your point of view and keep it from others.

Listen to the thoughts and opinions of others sincerely, try to understand why they think, act, or feel like this.

You can ask others "I am curious why ..." "Why do you say that?"

When you have a mentality of learning, it is easier to speak honestly, because you are just sharing your experience or opinions.

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03 Make a deep conversation

When people do not disclose the reason behind one idea, proposal, criticism or suggestion, the conversation and relationship will break. Tell others that the project they are doing is not the same thing, explaining why you think so much.

The main point of a "deep conversation" is to explain "why". You need to define the facts, data, and logical basis you understand. You need to explain your logic and reasoning. You do this to prove that you are right, but to encourage dialogue so that others can draw their conclusions and ways.

This process can also be carried out in turn. When someone stated his own point of view without the support of facts or reasoning, he asked them how they came to conclusions and raised a deep conversation. It shows your openness and the willingness to learn and understand another point of view.

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Here are some techniques and methods you can use deep conversation:

If someone does not explain their reasoning and ask them politely. "I know you think" X "is the correct way to perform this project, but can you explain your reason?"

When you have an idea, you think it is necessary to propose it, but you don't know how to do it. You can say, "Look, I have an idea. I think it may be feasible, this is the reason. I hope we will talk about this idea ","

A deep conversation will make you easier to tell you, because you explain your thinking process, your explanation of facts, and your point of view. Not only do you have to share your thoughts, but you have to share why you think so.

Next time, when you are hesitant to express honestly, remember these four strategies:

1. Know the true thoughts you are suppressed by you.

2. Determine what you really care about in your heart.

3. Enter the mentality of learning.

4. There is a deep dialogue.

Of course, sometimes it is best to say nothing. However, sometimes speaking honestly is correct.

As well as

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