Should I reunite with their predecessors?The key look at these 3 points

It is said that the Internet has eliminated the predecessor. Even if you are determined not to come and go when you break up, you will inexplicably appear an impulse at a certain time. Essence

A few days ago, Yang Yan talked about such a scene at the Talk Show Conference:

During the isolation, I wanted to contact my ex -attendance during the isolation. I was nervous. I asked my friends what I said in the first sentence, and my friend answered: It doesn't matter if you say anything. Because no matter what he said, in his opinion, you only said one sentence: "You have no way."

▷ "Talk Show Conference"

In fact, even if it is not in a very time isolation, a considerable proportion of people have appeared to have the idea of ​​"renewing the forefront" with the predecessor at some point. But do you want to take your thoughts as actions, it often needs more trade -in than the initial relationship.

Some readers told us that when they want to rear, they will write a reason to break up on the paper when they want to rear, reminding themselves not to be stunned by emotional. Some people have told us that after the composite, a more stable and intimate relationship has been harvested.

When we are entangled with "whether to reunite", what should we think about?

01

The phenomenon of the old love, the universal phenomenon in intimate relationships

Just like Yang Yan's paragraph, the epidemic seemed to provide a reason for people to contact her exerates. According to data from the Kinsey Institute in May 2020, about one -fifth of participants contacted at least one predecessor during the epidemic. Among these people, nearly half of them said they contacted several ex -predecessors. A quarter of people said they received information from their predecessors, and most of them responded.

Interpersonal and sexual therapist Judith Kuriansky said that this reflects people's desire for security in a state of extreme uncertain state: because they do not know if they will come tomorrow, so they want to return to it back A person who once provided safe and love.

▷ The movie "He doesn't actually like you so much"

But in fact, many studies have found that even if there is no epidemic factors, if you want to return to your predecessor, it is a common phenomenon in intimate relationships.

In a survey of 445 college students in 2009, more than 60% of young people have experienced at least once, 75% of them report at least twice with the same person. Nearly 40% of the couples report their current relationship is dividing and combined Combined (dailey et al., 2009). And a 2013 study showed that more than half of the people will continue to be the sexual partner of each other after the breakup.

But not all composite has good results. Some studies have found that a considerable part of the complex will easily fall into the cycle of division and integration, which will bring more negative impacts on the relationship:

Lovers who often split together will feel more uncertainty and lower satisfaction in their feelings. When the relationship occurs, they also use less constructive ways to solve them.

02

What kind of compound will have good results?

How to judge whether the composite is "broken mirror" or "repeat the same mistake"? According to the existing research, we must ask ourselves at least three questions before deciding whether to reunite.

1. What is the motivation for composite?

The reason for complexity is diverse and complicated, but the overall can be divided into three categories:

身 believes that this relationship itself is worth recovering:

For example, if you still have feelings for the other party, you feel that this relationship has a very unique thing. It is likely that the other party is "that person". I believe that this relationship is enough to overcome the obstacles before.

决 Want to solve some problems of your own through compound:

For example, Curmansky mentioned that many people want to resist the uncertainty of the external world through composite; the similar reasons are:

独 Can't stand loneliness, eager to be familiar with;

I found that there is no predecessor, and I am worried that I can't find it better.

分 Want to eliminate the pain of breaking up through composite:

There are still many people who want to reunite because they don't know how to get out of the pain of breaking up. Helen Fisher, biologist in the Golden Race Research Institute, found that a "resistance period" often appears: during this period, the brain areas related to addiction will be activated. People will feel that they love better than before. The other party is obsessed with recovery.

A study in 2020 for the psychological state after the breakup found that the strong pain felt after the breakup would promote a person to find a compound. And people who will feel this kind of strong pain often have a contradictory psychology of the past feelings: a simple explanation is that this relationship in the past makes them "love and hate". The active part of the relationship will bring them strong parts Happiness, but the negative aspects make them particularly painful.

If you do not find the root of this contradiction and try to eliminate your pain with composite, it is easy to enter a low -quality relationship repeatedly, and it will also make it difficult for people to get out of the pain of breaking up. Studies have found that the pain caused by this contradiction can sometimes not even be solved through the universal medicine of "time".

▷ The movie "Chongqing Forest"

If you find that you have the latter two composite motivations, you must seriously ask yourself: Is composite the best way to solve the problem? If you bring these motivations into a unsuitable relationship, it is easy to bring new problems.

2. Has the main problems in the previous relationship solved?

One fact is that the composite itself does not make the previous contradictions "turning". Studies have found that the negative emotions and uncertainty left by the breakup will continue to exert the impact in the relationship after compounding. Therefore, it is very important to see the main pressure source in the previous relationship. You can check the list below to see if there is any problem, which may occur after the complexity may occur. ▨ Internal reasons

◍ ◍ ◍ ◍

和 Different expectations and needs for feelings

、 Disappointed to yourself, partner, and relationship

处 At least one party has been in the emotions of the downturn for a long time

确 uncertainty about the state of relationship

矛The contradictory psychology of long -term relationships

◍ ◍ ◍ ◍ ◍ ◍ ◍

◍ Power imbalance

▨ external reasons

◍ Friends and family are opposed

◍ ◍ ◍ ◍

▷ The movie "Disappearing Love"

3. Does the relationship between the relationship and the relationship grow?

Researchers have found that the experience of division and harmony may also bring some benefits to the relationship. Generally speaking, both parties have more in -depth knowledge and each other's cognition, and have obtained the "relationship wisdom".

You can determine whether you have obtained the wisdom of relationship through the following standards:

在 Whether you know more clearly what you want in the relationship

设 Whether it can communicate with constructive communication methods

了 Are you a new and positive understanding of your partner?

对 Whether to confirm the importance of the other party to himself

了 Do you have a new understanding of the relationship itself and are willing to make continuous efforts

▷ The movie "He doesn't actually like you so much"

To sum up, the key to the more quality of composite is that both parties have seen the previous problems and have an attitude and ability to improve and solve. If this has not been done yet, the composite needs to be cautious.

03

No composite is not the most important issue

For many people, it is more important than "no composite" is "understanding why you want to be reunited."

It is normal to occasionally the idea of ​​wanting to make reunion, but if you find that you have frequently tangled whether you should reunite for a long time after breaking up, or often "want to break up together, break up and want to reunite", it has been in a period of time in a period of time. I can't get out in the relationship that is not suitable for myself. See if there are some inner issues that have not been resolved, it is more important than determining that "composite is not compound".

A study of 2020 aimed at the split partner partner found that it is easy to enter this kind of breakup -composite emotional cycle, there may be these issues that need to be resolved:

1. Don't know who you are, what you want

Only two independent individuals have the ability to create a high -quality relationship. Researchers have found that many people have a contradictory psychology for their long -term relationships because they have not yet formed a solid enough self -awareness.

For example, some interviewees will find that many things they think they want to do after breaking up, in fact to satisfy each other's expectations. Some people can't insist on their own decisions. They decided to break up, but when the other party insisted on reunion, it would be easy to compromise. For another example, some people will feel strong after breaking up, and feel that life is meaningless. This is actually too much to pin self -worth on a relationship.

At this time, establishing a stable self -identity and separating the success and failure of self -worth and relationships is more important than composite.

▷ The movie "She"

2. Avoid conflict, lack of direct open communication

Sometimes breakup is not really wanting to terminate the relationship, but to find an opportunity to say that the problem that is usually unable to exit. Some interviewees said that sometimes their breakups are more like a way to express frustration; there is also an interviewee who has broken up that he has never talked about the real reason for the other party, and he has never talked about how to improve. This relationship.

At this time, what the two sides need more frank communication: What is the expectation of the relationship, is it consistent? What is the most troublesome question, what else can we do? Or is it a better choice?

If you have decided to break up, you can also see if you are always worried about the conflict to avoid your feelings? Or is it difficult to express negative emotions in the relationship? It is very important to be aware of these problems, because even if a relationship is changed, these issues still need to be solved.

▷ The movie "She"

3. The issue of separation

Sometimes, we want to reunite, maybe not because of this relationship, but because we cannot face separation.

The difficulty of intimate relationships lies in the part that we cannot place in other relationships. The more intimate and high self -exposure, the more difficult the separation process is: because it will make some parts of itself, it is difficult to avoid. Looking directly at these parts, you always need a great courage.

▷ The movie "Chongqing Forest"

Speaking of which in the end, you will find that on the question of judging "whether to compound", the most critical is actually a question:

Do you really want to continue to invest in this relationship, or do you want to escape?

If it is the former, the composite may really gain the growth of the relationship; but if it is the latter, the problem that cannot escape from those who cannot escape even the compound may be the most labor -saving path.

references

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RENÉ M. Dailey et al.,Fluctuation in on-again/off-again romantic relationships: Foreboding or functional?2017Michelle Washburn-Busk et al.,Navigating “Breakup Remorse”: Implications for Disrupting the On-Again/Off-Again Cycles in Young Adult Dative Relationships, Journal of Marital and Family therapy, 2020

Dailey et al., On-aging off aging dating newships: What Keeps PARTERS BACK, The Journal of Social Psychology, 2011

Dailey et al., Post-DISSOLUTION, Ambivalence, BreakupAdjustment, And Relationshipship

ReconCiliation, JournalofsocialandPersonalRelationships, 2020

Dailey et al., Aquality Analysis of On-Again RomanticrelationShips: "It’ Suupanddown, ALLARAROUND ", Journal of Social and PersonalRelationships, 2009

Author: Li Qiwei

Responsible editor: KUMA

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