"Always fall in love with the scum man, do I still have to save it?" ｜ Readers letter

Sayings:

Today's content is very special, it is a reader's letter.

This letter comes from a 25 -year -old Beidiao girl@这. Like all ordinary girls, Jingwei yearn for sweet love, but in the past three years, she has experienced a bad relationship of large and small, becoming a "slag absorption constitution" in the eyes of friends.

In this letter, she wrote down her past emotional experience and confusion. Reflecting why I entered the toxic relationship repeatedly? What did she get from these experiences?

The letter is attached below.

Edit of Xin Shi Xiang:

hello!

I am Jingwei.

I want to tell you a very fun thing first.

In the past three years, I have been in love with all kinds of "scumbags", shortly for two or three days, and half a year long.

It was not deceived, I didn't leave without knowing that they were unreliable. Friends said that I was a thorough "slag absorption constitution" and "not saved at all."

Actually, I know what they said, I just can't just leave. I don't know why, I can only like scumbags.

Write this letter, I want to ask you, always falling in love with the scumbag, can I get better?

Let me tell you my past experience first.

Almost from the year of my sophomore year, I have never talked about normal love.

At that time, my boyfriend was an uncle in his ten -year -old, so let's call him K for the time being.

I am the kind of town Wenqing. K graduated from a very top school, and the career I worked for was also what I longed for. Although I found that such people were everywhere after work, he was out of reach for me at the time.

At first, it was really sweet. We appreciated each other and loved each other. I got great recognition and satisfaction on him.

But slowly found something wrong.

His excellence makes me even more inferior. I often perform in front of him. For example, I will share some things I have learned in the classroom with him, and I hope he feels that I am very powerful. But he will find that he is not interested at this.

My self -denial is deeper.

With less than a month together, K suddenly told me that I felt that there was some gap between me and he thought, but it didn't matter. We can adjust the form of relationships and no longer pursue pure love relationships.

He proposed some relationships that I almost don't understand, such as Hannah Ancet and Heidegger, Sarter and Bovolva. In short, they are all very unique and beyond the scope of secular recognition.

When I heard these words he said, I almost started to feel that I did not do well enough. Otherwise, how could he push me away?

I started to torture myself, why can't I be as cool as those he said?

I became a little sick.

Later, I found that I had a serious abstinence reaction. As long as I couldn't see this person, I was very painful. I cried until I woke up until my voice was hoarse.

At that time, my school was far away from his company. Every time I saw him, I had to take the bus first, then pour the subway and then walk. The whole process adds up to 1 hour and 40 minutes, a little delay, and it takes 4 hours to go back and forth. I still have to go to class, but I also have to see the needle to find him, work with him for a while, and eat meals together, and I feel very sweet.

But I am obviously overdraft, and the state of the naked eye is getting worse and worse. Every time I return to the dormitory, my roommate will say, "As long as you see him, you are particularly tired."

Obviously, he is consumed me.

After this situation lasted for a while, I broke up and the other party agreed. But in less than a week, we reconciled again, of course, I mentioned it.

Why did anyone still leave in such a pathological relationship? You probably feel wondering.

Have you ever raised a cat?

The kitten I raised now is easily offended. When I get angry, I start to catch people, and the more fierce hit her, I later found that it is useful to close her. It will become particularly obedient. At that time, I was a bit like this cat.

Cold violence, or the complex after breaking up, gave me a particularly strong feeling -first pain, then the sense of belonging and security. At that time, I thought this was love.

I secretly told you that although I looked painful on the surface, I enjoyed it deep in my heart.

In order to maintain this relationship, I even prepared a memorandum, which reads his little things to me. It's really a small thing, for example, remembering that I wanted to eat moon cakes, and when he bought water, he brought me this by the way.

Every time I feel that the relationship can't continue, I will take a look, and then I can convince myself to continue to maintain this relationship.

So I can understand Xiao S. She often exaggerate her husband to help her do on the social platform. Maybe because it is not that, she does not know how to maintain the relationship.

The opportunity to really decide to break up is an operation.

At that time, I performed a small operation, which needed general anesthesia and must be accompanied by family members.

After I finished the operation, he helped me lie down. The first thing was to watch a live event with him. I was very surprised and struggled to say, "I just woke up all the hemps." He said, "Aren't you always watching with me before?"

After the operation at noon to eat together, we quarreled because of a small break. I know that the man was not saved.

K seems to have opened the Pandora Box in my emotional world, which has become a starting point for my constant love with scum. Before I met him, I talked about the simple campus love. After breaking up with him, I couldn't trust others for a time.

But I need to be closely related. I need to accompany, pay attention, and recognize it. I start to find those who look safe and will never hurt others -they must be polite, gentle, stable, and active to repair the relationship ...

In short, I am looking for K's opposite side.

Later, when I went to Shanghai for an internship, I met such a person.

He is my shared room friend Z. The reason why he likes him is also very strange, because once I broke the glass at home and threw it directly into the trash can. But Z picked up the pieces of pieces, wrapped the tape several times, and put on a plastic bag again.

He looked perfectly in line with my requirements.

I feel that I have saved. I did not expect Z to have his own problem. He doesn't like me enough, hangs me again, and is still dating others.

Before this relationship was tangled, he encountered the epidemic and was forced to interrupt.

After the epidemic improved, I came to Beijing and met some "bad people" who looked very appropriate on the surface. In fact, it was not responsible and selfish. The mode of getting along with these people is also similar to K. Entanglement, breakup, compound, pain, breakup again ...

You may also find that it seems that I am looking for K, but actually looking for the same person as him.

Last year, I ended with a relationship with the longest influence on me and the longest time to maintain time in the past three years.

I don't even know how to define this relationship. Just apply his title to our relationship, lover. My lover G is much simpler.

From the beginning, the relationship between the two of us was ambiguous. At first I actually had no expectations for him. I felt that he was very light and not very trustworthy.

But slowly found that the properness on G was very impressive. He is very patient. No matter where you go, he will send me home first and then go back. He will come to my house to help me cut my nails and bath, and take away the garbage at home by the way. Canned Huang Tao is pretty good and will receive three boxes the next day.

The most exaggerated time, I complained that he had left me away in recent times. 40 minutes later, he drove downstairs.

These all give me a kind of illusion that the other party is very concerned about me. Slowly, I unloaded to set up defense to like this person, and I started to be fortunate. Did I finally encounter a normal relationship?

But soon, I found that this person was in parallel in both lines.

At noon one day, we were eating. His ex -girlfriend suddenly pushed in the door. He was very excited, yelled, and even burned things. Because the personality of his ex -girlfriend is more difficult, he sent me away first.

I only realized that the one -to -one rules we agreed before was not observed.

But I still did not leave this relationship, and even because of this "encounter", I had a mentality that wanted to prove myself.

In the process, I began to guess that the reason why I continued to fall into these pathological relationships may be to meet some inner appeal.

For example, I have a lot of fun with this boy, that is, testing his bottom line. I have been making trouble unreasonably, and I want to make him angry. Every time he gets angry, I feel particularly happy. Although I will also be hurt, there will be a feeling of this person who finally feels like personal.

On the surface, the "scum man" is hurting me, but at the same time, I will want to complete my rebellion through them.

From small to large, my temperament is particularly mild, I am afraid of conflict, I can't lose my temper or express my dissatisfaction.

So I will envy the casualness of others. If you can't do it yourself, you hope someone can do it for me.

Such as K. On one occasion, we just caught up with the last subway. In order to facilitate the convenience of the day, the subway opened the gate and asked to buy tickets at the station. I didn't have enough cash on my body. I was about to borrow money. I saw that K jumped from the gate where I went out and turned out. I quickly chased up, while feeling very dangerous, and how could he be so unconcerned and self -centered. I really envy.

When you constantly meet the scumbag, there will be friends around you ask: "Why do you always encounter unreliable men, is there any problem with you?"

I seem to release my rebellious and aggressive process by maintaining my relationship with the scumbag.

I don't know if my analysis is right. I always feel that my mentality is a bit like Ma Sichun. On the one hand, the lifestyle of the scumbag formed a certain demonstration and export for me. On the other hand, with a bad man, as long as you insist on being with each other, it is a rebellion.

To a certain extent, scumbag is also my important emotional dependence.

My spirit is not independent. It seems that a vine must be supported to stand up. If I can only be paralyzed in place, I can't go anywhere. I can't stay by myself.

For a while, I kept dating a man. When I was most exaggerated, I saw two or three in a week. It seemed that only in this way can I find a little fun of life. I will think that even if I go to a nasty boy to do something today, it is better to stay at home and do my own thing.

Don't scold me, I even do psychological counseling for a period of time, but the results are very small.

Some time ago, I decided to make some changes, separated from G for a month, holding the set of high standards around, and felt that I finally met a normal person. But it didn't take long for him to confess for a long time, he said that he didn't actually like me so much, but just felt that I was suitable for being a wife. I was sad for a while and reunited with G again. Come again! It's old again!

I'm about to lose patience to myself. I am 25 years old and have not been in love for three years. These attempts will only make me feel more frustrated.

I have been waiting for someone to save me from the state of chaotic feelings in the past, but they just make me more chaotic.

Is this psychology normal?

I am worried that I can't talk about normal love again?

【Write in the end】

Liang Wendao once said: Love is an adventure to others.

Entering the world of another person, you will encounter various unexpected experiences. These experiences may be good or bad. In any case, in the process of Jingwei, through the collision with others, I slowly saw my own shape and understood what I wanted more, and it was a harvest.

If you want to talk about your confusion and sadness, or share the joy of your life, you can leave me a message in the message area, or write down the mailbox of [Shi Xianglai], [email protected].

Maybe a letter should be written for a long time, and you can slowly organize your thoughts. Wish you all the best.

Letter: Jingwei

Editor -in -chief: Liang Ke

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