Don't know how to refuse others?Five Tips for improving "pleasing personality"

Always obey others and please others?

Maybe you shouldn't do that.

Some time ago, the psychological drama "Female Psychologist" was a typical flattering personality in the workplace.

Xiao Mo is an old man in the company. He does not know how to refuse others and always try his best to help others. Female colleagues wanted to go out to play, and asked Xiao Mo to help complete the planning document. Xiao Mo, who had left the company, was very helpless, but still returned to the company to help female colleagues to complete the job. Another colleague threw his job to Xiao Mo. Xiao Mo didn't like it, but he couldn't stand the moral abduction of his colleague, and he chose to accept it again.

▷ TV series "Female Psychologist"

It stands to reason that it is helpful like Xiao Mo, and there should be a good popularity. In fact, other colleagues just treat him as a tool person, never treating Xiao Mo as a friend. They never think of Xiao Mo when they go out to meet.

Are you like Xiaomo in your life. On the one hand, you try to keep your relationship with others by concession, and on the other hand, you can't express your needs in your needs?

01

What is flattering personality

The pleasing personality refers to the personality of the individual to suppress his own needs and cater to the personality characteristics of others.

Among them, "personality sensitivity" and "change of thinking" are prerequisites for flattering personality; "inferiority suppression" and "peace and respect" are the characteristics of pleasing personality; In performance.

In the heart of the individual, this world is full of danger, and people around them may hurt themselves. Ta's pleasure is actually to cover up their panic. It seems that the TAs can only suppress their needs and try their best to meet others, and others will not hurt themselves, so they will feel safe.

▷ The Japanese drama "Sepanic and Quiet Leisure"

The reason why the personality personality is good for others is because of fear. Although the TAs have paid a lot, the TAs rarely can gain equality friendship, because in the hearts of the TAs, they are in unequal to each other.

In the Satay family treatment theory, when we feel that our survival is threatened, please be the main way to respond. We think we are worthless and make the rights of ourselves.

Satia used the picture above to draw the image of the pleading person. The pleases kneeling on one knee, stretched out one hand to give it, and covered his chest with the other hand, showing that he was willing to do anything for the other person, and kept humble begging, hoping that the other party would not hurt himself.

The pleading person gives full respect to others, but he doesn't care about his feelings. As long as people seem to have a little pain, the courtiers are willing to give money and even give their lives to each other to reduce the trouble and trouble of TAs. The only purpose of their existence is to make others comfortable.

When pleased, the TAs often have such beliefs:

人 I should always be on others and Yan Yue.

， If others are angry, it must be my problem.

取 I can't take the initiative to strive for my own interests, which will offend others.

我 You can do anything, I don't care.

▷ Japanese drama "We are composed of miracles"

The expression of pleasing personality

时 When others reject you, you can read it lightly; when you reject others, you feel that you have made a big mistake.

时 Careful helping others when doing things, more serious than waiting for themselves; if you have no matter what you have, you will never bother others.

When you are with others, you always consider a lot to take care of each other's emotions. In the cold field, I took the initiative to find the topic, and I would not show it if I was unhappy.

I am accustomed to obedience and cannot be wiped out. Even if I oppose each other's ideas, I don't want to come up. I always feel that it means offending others.

02

Why do you form a pleasant personality?

1. Practice your parents

Almost all of the pleased individuals who entered the consultation room have the same experience, and have never been "unconditional love" in the process of growth. Ta feel that parents have conditions for themselves. Only when they become the expectations of their parents will their parents love themselves.

The individual individuals lack a sense of security. This unsafe feels from native families. Children are very sensitive. When the parents are often unhappy or reprimanded often, the child is very scared and fears that he will not be loved and will be abandoned. For children, parents' love and must be related to survival, and the abandoned fear inspires the child's serious death anxiety. Therefore, the child will make every way to please the parents to gain the love of the parents and resist the anxiety of death.

▷ The Movie "Hedgehog's Elegant"

As the child grows up slowly, this flattering behavior has become unconscious. Just like a fixed program, once you click the switch, the program will run automatically. In various relationships, the anxiety of being abandoned by continuously flattering others to defend her heart. The self -demand of individual individuals becomes no longer important and is lost to please others.

2. Self -worthy sense of self -worth

Many parents are very harsh. They rarely praise their children, but instead strike their children. They are called "anti -business education". In such an environment, children generally have a low sense of self -worth. TAs feel that they are not important, and they are worthless.

TAs need to please others and determine their own values ​​in the recognition and appreciation of others. The derogation of others is enough to let the TA people break themselves.

03

How can I change the flattering mode

1. Why change the flattering model

The first step to change is to understand why it must be changed. Many flattering people feel that they have paid so much for others, so they will definitely gain a better relationship, at least better than not paying. A cruel fact is that it is not possible to promote the relationship, and even make yourself even more friends. We can't please the people in the table. For those who treat friends sincerely, the TAs like sincere people, not those who are different in the table. It is different people who always blame others. Some people feel contempt for the TAs, some people think that the TAs are disgusting, and some people just feel like they are the first.

The pleaseder thinks that when I please TA, the TA will inevitably return the equivalent goodwill to me, but in fact excessive pleasure will only make my efforts cheap, or even the reason. If one day, you can no longer meet others' requirements. Instead, it will cause dissatisfaction among others.

▷ Japanese drama "We are composed of miracles"

As Jiang Fangzhou said: "Through pleased it, the person you attracted is not the person who really appreciates you. Those who really appreciate you will always appreciate your pride, not what you pretend to be humble and pleasing. ","

2. Learn to say no skills

If the other party asked you what you do, you have no time and ability, then you can communicate with the other party with peace of mind and let TA understand your situation and ideas. In any situation, you have the right to refuse, and you can respond without passive, negative resistance or attack.

Many people feel uncomfortable to say "no". You can provide a suggestion to solve the problem, that is, he hopes that the other party can meet the needs of the TAs without involving you. For example, colleagues borrow money from you, you can say, "I can't lend you, maybe you can borrow from Lao Zhang or Pharaoh."

3. Self -affirmation

Self is definitely the cornerstone of self -worth, and our existence does not need to be based on the affirmation of others. Even if others have a negative evaluation of you, it is TA's own opinion and opinions that have nothing to do with you.

Self -stretching is definitely a self -stretching behavior, which can enhance self -esteem and self -confidence, and increase the satisfaction of life. The self -degrading derogation makes people feel depressed, inferior, and anxious. At the same time, doubts about their own abilities, and they are also prone to dissatisfaction, complaints, and anger in life.

▷ The Japanese drama "Sepanic and Quiet Leisure"

4. Find real friendship

Real friends understand each other. Those who really want to help, care about, and to build a long -term friendship deserve your sincerity. On the contrary, if you need to please, the relationship that can be maintained is not worth maintaining.

We don't need to put ourselves in a particularly humble position in order to please others. The real friendship will not disappear because of a rejection, and real friends will not lose so easily.

5. Seek professional psychological help

If you find it difficult to get rid of the flattering model, you can also seek professional psychological help.

Psychological counselors will explore the foundation of personality with you, let yourself slow down, and identify which behaviors are their own pleasing behavior, and then jump out of their own comfortable emotional zone, no longer escape the inner fear and pain, and finally get true self and real self and real. Relationship, love yourself, love for love.

Click on the business card to query the content of consultant Hu Anxing:

You always please others blindly and lose yourself? You have thought about changes, but I don't know where to start? Maybe you can try simple psychological medical examination services. Professional psychological consultant takes you to explore changes together.

Psychological medical examination service is reduced to 129 yuan

Click the picture below for details 图片️

references

————————————

Hong Zhimei. Self -affirmed training manual.

Kim Yun Ting. I forgot to please the world but forgot itself.

Ou Yongtian. The preparation of the type of personality table.

Satiya Satiya treatment record.

Author: Hu Anxing Consultant

Responsible editor: Bird Man, XXR

▽ What is the psychological medical examination?

Click to find out ~

- END -