Others think you are "fake". Do you think you are tired? Is it the original sin to please the personality?

At the dinner table, friend Xiao Li sighed: "I don't know when I started, I always grievance myself, all others ..."

The leader made an unreasonable request, and the "no" in Xiao Li's heart became "good";

I am afraid of the cold field with my colleagues and friends, and I can only be attached to the topic of others.

Once I feel unhappy, Xiao Li immediately entered a state of strong self -blame ...

"I don't want to bother you", Xiao Li asked me very restlessly, "Am I talking about‘ flattering personality ’?”

Always cater to others and will not refuse

In life, Xiao Li's approach often makes people feel tired and exhausted. This psychological state and behavior tendency is called "flattering personality".

In everyone's context, the biggest feature of "flattering personality" is that it is difficult to refuse others and oppose others.

Can't say "no", but also feel guilty about refusal;

Although disagreed inside, it always agrees with others on the surface;

I often think about what others are thinking and what to do to make them happy;

I often say "I'm sorry", thinking that I have the responsibility to be responsible for the feelings of others;

I hope people like themselves and think that helping others can be recognized by others;

I would rather sacrifice their own interests, and to agree to others' requests ...

In the impression of others, TA is often a very gentle, friendly, and intimate image. It can always reach out in time, never lose his temper, and even TA's friends have not been rejected by TA for many years.

But as a party, how tired!

In order to maintain the seemingly stable interpersonal model, they will over -pay attention to how to please others and get recognition, thereby ignoring their needs, and continuously self -sacrifice and self -ignition [1].

When you are not pleased with others, the clown is also very tired 丨 Tuwa Creative

This self -sacrifice, self -ignition, we can give an example to understand.

It's about to get off work. I don't have a familiar colleague who comes over and ask you to eat together at night.

The heart of ordinary people: I have a relationship with TA, and it may not be comfortable to communicate, and I want to go home tonight.

Act of ordinary people: refuse to invite colleagues.

Taking a tendency to give me a person's heart: This is an opportunity to deepen feelings with colleagues! I have to promise! Even if I want to go home tonight ... I can lie down tomorrow!

Podied the description of people: I immediately agreed to the invitation, and then began to regret it.

Their real needs were covered up by themselves.

In addition, "caring for others" is different from "please others".

In healthy interpersonal relationships, the behavior of caring for each other, such as hugging, gifts, etc., all contain the meaning of "making the other party happy", which makes people feel valuable [2].

However, for people who have a tendency to please, the behavior of caring often accompanies themselves: in order to make the partner happy, buy their own credit cards to buy luxury gifts; in order to make their boss happy, tolerate the pain of participating in the department of the department, and so on.

Continue to ignore your needs, which means that TA will withstand excessive pressure, and increasingly understands myself: "What kind of person is am I? Is my life real?"

Figure 丨 Figure Worm Creative

Why does it form "pleased personality"?

"Practicing personality" is not a disease, let alone the parties intentionally. It has a clear reason.

Source 1: Low self -esteem level

Behind "please" is often a lower level of self -esteem, thinking that you are not good enough.

At the moment, they have not yet formed a stable self -evaluation, and they need to continue to verify their own value through the recognition and praise of others.

So they often think, "If I don't make people satisfied, then I am not good enough." This idea will even force them to force themselves to be perfect to build and maintain their perfect "person".

However, perfect people do not exist. The ultimate pursuit of perfection is like praising the father every day, which will only bring endless fatigue to yourself.

Figure 丨 Figure Worm Creative

Source 2: Unpleasant experience

Unpleasant experience is also the main reason for the formation of "flattering personality".

The talk show actor Li Xueqin feels that "extremely pleasing personality" is one of the most accurate vocabulary describing his personality.

When she was 14 years old, her father left the house to hide from debt; after that, Li Xueqin began to bear the responsibility at home. She was not only the pillar of the family, but also became a trash can for her mother to vent her emotions.

Similar to Li Xueqin, many people who have a tendency to please have experienced or experienced some unpleasant relationships.

In childhood, some parents would say:

"If you don't obedient, I will give you away."

"If you can't get three good students, your father/mother will not love you anymore!"

As a child of the disadvantaged side, there is almost no choice in the face of the scolding of parents. Only as much as possible to meet the requirements of the parents, in order to exchange the parental attitude.

In love relationship, lovers may say:

"You see how beautiful XX is/handsome, if you are so good."

"You dare to see other opposite sex, I will beat you!"

Many people who have suffered abuse (spiritual, flesh) will fall into a quagmire: constantly please others and avoid being abused again. [4]

Such children will think that others always have the conditions for their love 丨 Tuwa creativity

Break it difficult to control

Whether it is the fatigue brought by others, or the pain caused by low self -esteem and unpleasant past events, it is not what we should bear. We can protect ourselves and slowly change the tendency of others. Establish a boundary

When burned, we will all subconsciously leave the heat source. The first step to break the tendency is to stay away from the source of stress and build its own boundary.

It is important whether it is a physical border or a psychological boundary.

If you find that you always please your parents and feel tired, then you can move out after having the ability to live independently and build your own space and your family.

If there is a similar situation with friends or partners, you can also reduce connection. For example, tell the other party after 8 o'clock in the evening that your rest time is inconvenient or unable to respond in time.

After all, the relationship that needs to be continuously pleasing to maintain is not worth pursuing. You know, healthy interpersonal relationships do not need to be pleased, you can make people gain a lot of love.

Figure 丨 Figure Worm Creative

Don't rush for success

It is not easy to change the tendency to please.

The habits that have been developed for many years must be meaningful, and it protects us at many moments that we can't know. However, some habits do not disappear with the changes in life, and it will become our trouble.

For those who have long -term flattering tendencies, don't worry, step by step to correct the habits.

If it is difficult to say "not" directly, you can do not reply to others immediately. You can say this:

"I'm a little busy now, can I answer you after busy?"

"I need to discuss with my family because your request may conflict with my original arrangement."

Rejecting through text is easier than verbal rejection. You can slowly organize language in the chat box.

In addition, before making a decision, ask yourself.

Do I really want to do this?

If I don't want to, can I refuse?

If I think, what do I do for this? Will the process and results make me happy?

In the face of choice, if people delay 50 to 100 milliseconds to make decisions, they can improve the accuracy of selection [5]. Ask yourself for one second, maybe there is a little more space that belongs to your own.

Think about making a decision again 丨 giphy

Talk to yourself

Taking a tendency to make people ignore their needs and feelings. This has a small practice that can help you perceive your heart.

Find a quiet and comfortable place to sit down and try to treat yourself as a good friend:

What do you want to get through please?

Can these things be obtained through other channels?

Imagine what will you do in a state of relaxation?

What can you do to make you feel abundant?

In the past, what made you feel that the judgment of others does not seem to be so important?

Can these moments appear again?

Through continuous practice and awareness, we can slowly abandon our over -desire for evaluation of others, but loyal to our hearts.

Getting along with others is a process of continuous learning. Many years ago, the core was out

Figure 丨 "Zhen Huan Biography"

"If the human situation is unreasonable, since everyone cannot be fully available, you can only fully yourself."

references

[1] Kaufman, S. B., Jauk, E. (2020). Healthy Selfishness and Pathology Altruism: Measuring two Paradoxical Forms of Selfishness.frontiers in psychology, 1006.

[2]Hui, B. P., Ng, J. C., Berzaghi, E., Cunningham-Amos, L. A., Kogan, A. (2020). Rewards of kindness? A meta-analysis of the link between prosociality and well-being.Psychological Bulletin , 146 (12), 1084.

[3]Besser, A., Flett, G. L., Hewitt, P. L., Guez, J. (2008). Perfectionism, and cognitions, affect, self-esteem, and physiological reactions in a performance situation.Journal of Rational-Emotive Cognitive- Behavior therapy, 26 (3), 206-228.

J. (2014). Humans optimize decision-macking by delaying decision onset.plos one, 9 (3), E89638.

Author: Guo Lanxin

Edit: Li Xiaogui

- END -