Gu Xuewen, an expert in "Online", an expert in "Online" experts of Xiangxiang and Finding: Let parents and children stay away from anxiety together

In addition to the national second -level psychological counselor, the Editor -in -chief of the Liberation Daily Reading Weekly, and the special consultant of the Shanghai Jiaotong University Psychological Counseling Center, Gu Xuewen is also a family education "coming person". , I have always focused on the mental health of adolescents. After contacting many family cases, she found that during the family education process, many parents thought that "the child had a problem", and the root cause was actually from the parents. On the start of the school season, this newspaper interviewed Gu Xuewen, an expert in "Online" to the Parents School of the Shan.

Jiangnan Times: After the "double reduction", most parents in the society are still unable to resist the anxiety deep in their hearts. In the face of education, how can parents adjust their mentality?

Gu Xuewen: Parents' anxiety will be transformed into children's anxiety. Parents scare their children every day: Elementary schools do n’t study well, they ca n’t enter a good junior high school. They ca n’t enter a good junior high school and they ca n’t enter high school. Every day, it is said that the child is very afraid of the future. He is anxious and depressed, and may also have forced thinking and forced behavior. There is a girl who has a good study. Occasionally, there are calculation errors in a math test, and no full scores are scored. After that, as soon as there were mathematical examinations, parents repeatedly told: Don't calculate the wrong, you must take the calculation carefully. The girl became very nervous. Every time I did a question during the exam, I had to check it more than ten times. It had to test it dozens of times later and finally went to school.

Parents' anxiety will force a procrastinating child. Anxious parents like to control their children. Because when the parent plans what the child does first and what to do later, after filling all the time of the child, there will be a sense of control, which will alleviate the parents' own anxiety. However, children are people, not machines, and it is impossible to live completely according to the parents' tables. It is very painful to live as an excel table. Children at the elementary stage did not dare to resist resistance, so they were negative, and they dragged them.

Parents who are anxious are easy to say something violated under emotions. For a long time, the blood is thicker than the water, and the feelings will be thickened. Children in elementary school are not very independent. He will work hard to do it according to the requirements of the parents because he is afraid of losing his parents' love. But whether the parent -child relationship is good or not, it is only known in adolescence. Many children who enter adolescence will have a fierce conflict with parents. Parents at this time are often painful and confused, and they feel that they suddenly become like this from an obedient child. In fact, adolescence will make this step of this step, the root is all buried at the elementary school, even earlier.

Jiangnan Times: In addition to overcoming anxiety, what should parents do to help their children's growth and learning?

Gu Xuewen: I think parents should return to their parents and love their children.

Share the story of a good father. The dad agreed with his wife before his son was born: the child is studying at me, you can be a happy mother. He "distributed work" because he was worried that his mother would be anxious to study. How did he control himself? He only grasped one thing, to see if the child had a right question. As long as it was booked, he signed it. No matter how much the child took the test, he completely accepted the child's ups and downs. On the other hand, as an enterprise executive, he has at least three nights or entertainment in a week and go home late. But even when he arrived home in the early morning, he would still get up early to make breakfast for the child and drive the child to school. On the road, the father and son chatted with the South China Sea and the north to exchange their respective information and views. Once a week, he held a half -hour family meeting to make opinions from each other. On one occasion, the child proposed that his father was a bit fierce to his mother. Dad accepted it with an open mind. Two weeks later, he listened to his son's feedback to see if he had improved. The dad's son is currently only 23 years old and has been a PhD in computer biological science at the University of Columbia. In addition, parents should cultivate their children's ability to face the future.

There is a good life for admission to a good university. Twenty years ago, this logic had a certain reason, but it may not be established today. Today, university gross enrollment rates have exceeded 60%, the population has increased negative growth, and universities are becoming very popular. But when you enter the university, you may not have a good life. Recommend parents to read "AI Future" co -authored by Dr. Li Kaifu and writer Chen Yifan, to think about what kind of talents can adapt to the future.

Jiangnan Times: What are the specific aspects of children's future ability?

Gu Xuewen: I personally think that at least four kinds of abilities must be cultivated in order to watch them enter the future with confidence.

The first is to maintain their interest in learning and have the ability to learn. Children have been pulled very tightly like rubber bands from an early age, and children are prone to learning emotions. If you don't force it, you will like to learn. The future is the concept of lifelong learning, not limited to school learning.

The second is that there is empathy and make good friends. Taking the child all day, how can the child get friends? In the future, I have entered college and went to society. How can I get along with classmates and colleagues?

The third is basic survivability, including safety awareness and survivability.

The fourth is to have a strong psychological quality. From the absence of studying, the rejection is behind it. The child's interruption is to cut off the connection with his parents. It can be seen that the problem is still in parent -child relationship. Parent -child relationship directly affects children's mental health.

When it comes to children's mental health, there are many aspects that are involved. It is not based on external evaluation. However, many parents, when their children take 100 points and 50 points, give two completely different faces. Over time, children think that they can only get good scores. Such a single external evaluation mechanism is very fragile. Jiangnan Times: At the beginning of the new semester, what do you think parents and schools need to pay attention to?

Gu Xuewen: Let the children learn easier! Maintain the fun of learning, especially in elementary school.

Some people say that this generation of children is very happy, there is no shortage of food, no shortage of wearing, in fact, they lack a lot of things. Statistics have found that now children can see 1 hour of sunlight every day, less than half. 95%of elementary school students, 90%of junior high school students, and 85%of high school students have problems with insufficient sleep. Do not let sleep, do not let exercise, do not allow communication, and children's physical fitness and psychological quality are getting worse and worse.

Suppose we imagine children going to work, and their company may work in the world's earliest time. The company conducted a KPI assessment at the end of the year, but the children were evaluated every day, not a round, but multiple departments and repeated assessments. After getting off work, I have to work overtime, and I have an average of 4 hours per day. Until Saturday and Sunday, Mom and Dad found him another company for part -time job. After the winter and summer vacations, parents will find the project company and let their children continue to "overtime". You have to do it for 12 years. When we really stand on the child's stand to observe the child's life, do we still feel that they are happy? Happy?

Schools should not sell anxiety, but help parents to relieve anxiety. The school must be confident and believes that your teacher's professional ability can teach the children well. Secondly, the school must be responsible. Teaching and educating people is a school and a teacher's work. Of course, family education is very important, but the division of labor in the home and school still has to be clear. In the end, the school must have the ability to empathize and understand the feelings of new students.

Jiangnan Times reporter Zhang Yaqian

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