In marriage, abandon the fake "safety" and harvest really "safe"

Text | Test one

-The book and signing author-

Some netizens in the background shared her story. She and her husband met with a blind date. The other party was solid and reliable. The conditions in all aspects were good. They paid the salary card before they got married. Usually, she was filial to her parents. Essence

In the early days of marriage, the netizen felt full of security. Her husband had no bad hobbies, Gu family, and career development, and lived with such men.

But over time, she felt more and more uncomfortable. The reason was that she found that she had no common hobbies with her husband, and she couldn't talk together on weekdays.

Without divorce, she couldn't continue to pass by; divorce, she couldn't bear the sense of security brought by this marriage.

Psychologist Shi Xiuxiong said:

The real intimate relationship is not as easy as imagined. Even if the relationship between the two is a couple or a husband and wife, they may still live in pseudo -intimacy.

Just like this netizen, she has gained a sense of security to satisfy the condition from her partner, but she did not really have a close relationship with her partner, and naturally she would not have a good experience in marriage.

The importance of "sense of security" in marriage does not need to be said, but in reality, many "security" feelings are precisely a thunder in marriage. Once it explodes, it is extremely lethal.

01

Pseudo harmony is not really harmonious

Sister and brother -in -law have always been a good husband and wife who has been talked about by relatives. There are very few contradictions between them, and the proper harmony model.

Some time ago, I had the opportunity to go to my cousin's house to live, and I found that the harmonious couple was not harmonious.

Sister and brother -in -law couldn't say a few words all day long, saying what was to eat and children's learning.

One day, my brother -in -law did not go home, and even my guest couldn't help worrying that she wanted to make a phone call, but my cousin was always indifferent. I reminded her that she said, "No need to ask, ask angry."

In the middle of the night, my brother -in -law was drunk and drunk home. His cousin helped him to the bed. For breakfast the next morning, no one could do one night in advance, as if nothing happened.

I couldn't help expressing doubts. The cousin explained: I used to care about the other party's issues before, and I would quarrel because of these trivial matters. However, I found that no problem was solved. Hello everyone.

It turns out that the harmony between them is the "pseudo harmony" of evasion of the problem.

Human nature likes the sense of security brought by harmony. In order to avoid disputes, in order to maintain the harmonious atmosphere between husband and wife, when facing the conflict, choose tolerated or even escape. Without venting, the final result will be a "mask couple".

The calm and quiet surface will not bring a real sense of security, blindly escape, and will not make the marriage stable.

02

Low -cost payment will drag you down

A man picks you up from get off work. When it rains, he will support your umbrella. When you are sick, cook a bowl of hot soup noodles. He will bend down and give you a shoelaces. Such details can easily make a girl feel warm.

But marriage is a realistic drama. In marriage, we must learn to identify whether these details are the manifestation of love, or the other party moves us with low cost efforts.

I have seen such a small video:

The girl was deeply moved by the boy to her. After marriage, I still felt loved from many details: the boy remembers her physiological cycle, and never forget to cook a bowl of brown sugar water in those days. The spoon in the middle of a watermelon was eaten first ...

The girl secretly felt that she had married the right person, but one day she suffered a clear thunderbolt.

It turned out that the boy was addicted to gambling and owed 300,000, and also made their house mortgage. The girl hesitated to divorce. The boy knelt and vowed to change his knees, and he pleased the girl. In the end, the girl still made concessions.

I thought that the days would be good, but the boy did not change his death, continued to bet, continued to debt, and continued to take out a humble gesture to please his wife.

Faced with the persuasion of relatives and friends, the girl always hesitated: I have never met a person who is so good to me and is reluctant to give up.

Buffett told her daughter's spouse:

The best spouse should be the ally on your life, not to find someone to satisfy your laziness and giant babies. A man poured you a cup of warm water and bought you supper in the middle of the night. This is not a scarce species. However, the woman in reality is always moved by this low -cost effort.

Love in detail is right, but it is more important than a small detail such as a glass of water and a meal. The character's character, cultivation, cognition, and three views.

If you only pursue the sense of security of small details given by the partner, you ignore the state in front of his big things, and encounter a partner who can't be clear in the story like a girl in the story. Will be defeated.

03

Stability is also a factor in the shake of marriage

Professor John Gotman, a psychology professor, has a conclusion after research on marriage emotions:

Maintaining a long -term intimacy, the most important thing is to always be curious about each other, do not stop dialogue.

It is important to stabilize in marriage, but if life is always unchanged, people in it will definitely feel boring.

My colleague Xiao Li has always been looking for various excuses to go home late, and even more willing to work overtime in the company. One day, I vomited the truth after drinking: We have only been married for 6 years, and I feel like an old husband and wife, which makes me fear. Xiao Li's lover is a good daughter -in -law who has a good life. He usually takes care of Xiao Li very well. He requires himself to work with Xiao Li every day and eats a healthy diet. He will do housework and watch TV after class.

Sometimes Xiao Li proposes to stay up late to watch a movie or go out on weekends to climb mountain climbing, and she always refuses. Even Xiao Li was not allowed to eat junk food at home.

When she first got married, Xiao Li occasionally bought flowers or prepared a little surprise, but Xiao Li loved to buy these things is not affordable, and gradually Xiao Li lost his mind.

Their days have almost no ripples, and they live the same day every day.

Xiao Li revealed doubts about this life, but Xiao Li's love was incredible: Live, the most important thing is not practical?

Many people, like Xiao Li's lovers, think that living in a real life is the best state of marriage. It is thought that such a life is equivalent to entering the safe. I do n’t know that this stability may be the cause of marriage.

In the marriage, in addition to stability, occasionally need a little change, some surprises, some different things to adjust, so that the two people can be curious and interesting to the life together, so as to inject vitality into each other's relationship.

Doing familiar things and saying that if you are familiar, you eat familiar meals. Even if there is a kind of determination of "tomorrow as today", it is easy to have the powerless "old husband and wife".

04

Be careful of the "sense of security" in marriage

The sense of security you think may not be really safe.

We must be careful of the "sense of security" in those marriage, don't indulge in the pseudo -harmony to escape the truth; don't pay too much cost for low cost payments; don't think that only stability is the true meaning of marriage.

It is necessary to learn what is the most important thing, what is the obstacle method that allows us to feel at ease, and what is the basic condition of the close relationship.

Teacher Zhou Guoping said this::

Many things will be dim. Only those days when they are placed in love will always shine in the years.

It is possible to harvest the true "safety" in order to abandon the "safety" in order to make the days of together become a return to light.

- END -