Why don’t I recommend that you are too good ｜ Test whether you are flattering personality

Speaking of psychological counseling, what kind of visits make me most distressed.

I think it is those "very good" visits, or "good children" after adulthood.

Of course, goodness itself is not a derogatory term. The "good child" I mentioned does not mean those who perform the rules and understand politeness. This is a very good quality. The "good child" I refer to refers to those who have severely suppressed themselves, just to live to cater to the expectations of others.

They seem to be everything, maybe they have an enviable appearance and outstanding career achievements. Those who do not know the inside may wonders, "Why do these people come to the consultation room?"

In fact, these gorgeous elements are just their shells. They are good at creating everything that makes them look good. Below this shell, there is a severely suppressed self. The behaviors they show almost always follow "should" rather than spontaneous.

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01

How did "good boy" come from?

Maybe you are curious, why do some people only live in the expectations of others?

Psychoanor Winnicot proposed the concept of "fake self -consuming", which refers to the self -developed self that a person developed through the requirements of the environment and the need to violate it.

"Fake auto" is a continuous spectrum, from one end of a healthy rule to the extremely unhealthy end.

Extremely unhealthy fake self is a betrayal of true self. It manifests that action and real feelings are very divided. Individuals will feel that they are extremely "false" (PhoneY), and even develop a state of dissolution. The true feelings are far away.

It is also necessary to explain a concept corresponding to the false auto -true self, which can be understood as the self -authentic and spontaneous part of the individual. True self -body is the result of the establishment of ourselves. When we are still a baby, our ego is very weak. If the aduters can perceive our real needs, and to some extent, they can understand and meet. We have given us weak self. In short, the true development comes from your "doing yourself" and can be understood and supported.

Picture source: PEXEL

We will see different raising performances in our lives:

Facing the crying of the baby, some raps are very active. They coaxed the baby: "Oh oh, are you hungry?", Carefully prepare the food, sometimes understand the errors. Cold, but in any case, they are always willing to try to understand what happened to the child, and corresponds to the true needs of the child in an effective way. Babies who are trying to take care of them gradually confirm their true feelings and start to explore "who am I." Winnikot referred to such rafts "good enough mothers."

Two important abilities are the key to the "good enough mother" to play the nursery function:

1. Cooperation

They can understand that some of the complex emotions produced by children/babies are normal and can perceive why children are like this. For example, when a child cries because he loses a sugar, this kind of adurator can understand why the child is sad because of such a "small thing" and can understand that the meaning of a sugar in the eyes of the child is different from the adult. Don't blame the children's questions.

2. Dedication

They will work hard to meet the needs of their children. They can understand that children are independent, and they have their own ideas and needs. But at the same time, they will not obey their children or sacrifice themselves too much.

Other nurses performed differently. When facing the baby crying, they might be at a loss: "Oh, how do this child love to cry so much", "This child is really noisy", "The child must be hungry, I will prepare milk powder to prepare milk powder. "".

Such rafts may also want to take good care of their babies, but they lack the ability to understand children's needs. Instead, they often regard the children they think they think they are the true needs of the child, and even simply ignore the needs of the baby.

Babies will feel confused and may have resistance. Clinically manifested as a universal and irritable, or dysfunctional disorders. But in the end, babies will develop their ability to adapt and develop false auto. In short, the development of false and auto stems from "cooperating with others" to get understanding and support.

"Good children" originated from demand again and again. In the end, they can only approach the adults in a catering fake self -autologous way. To put it bluntly, they lack a growth space for understanding and support.

At this point, their true development has been interrupted, and they no longer think that their existence itself is valuable, but they think that they must do more to be recognized.

Picture source: pixabay

They may develop a "super power" that quickly perceive the needs of others, and quickly change their performance to cater to others.

In the eyes of the breeders, they are very "good". Maybe they have been happy because they are good at satisfying the expectations of others, but the feeling of "wrong" always exists, may be empty and depressed in their hearts, or faint anger and unwillingness ... ...

Living is not happy for them, even like a walking dead.

I feel distressed at the "good child" habit to cater to the expectations of the outside world. Every time I cater to success, I will get brief nourishment. Once I stop, I fall into confusion. Even if the "good child" is aware of and wants to make changes, it is difficult to get the understanding of others every time, because "good" has become the outside world's deep perception of them.

Inner "the urge to seek expression" and "the use of false self -use and the world to deal with the world" have formed a strong conflict. "Rebirth" seems to be destined to accompany a war.

02

How can "good children" find themselves?

This involves the significance of psychological counseling.

For many people, psychological counseling is two people chatting, but in fact, the value of psychological counseling is not only here, and the role played by the consultant is not limited to a listener.

One of the values ​​of psychological counseling is to create a space. This space can be regarded as a uterus with nurturing function, or a relationship carrier of the relationship. This space gives visitors the opportunity to re -explore themselves and build it with themselves.

In this space, changes often occur from visitors to get different experiences from the past.

For "good children", this may be "occasional resistance rather than stopped", "unprepared anger is confirmed rather than misunderstandings", they do not need to cater, they only need to be tossing, no or not. Good, love or hate ... and this permission is exactly the exit of those who are suppressed.

"How angry you are now, how sad you are, because you have been too depressed in the past, so many years you are catering to others." Explanation with understanding often makes the visitors' emotions velve It may be crying.

By being confirmed and accepted by the consultant again and again, those feelings and depends on feelings and need to start becoming vivid, so that they can be recovered by themselves, making the whole person more complete and powerful.

Picture source: pixabay

In addition to psychological counseling, "good children" can also try to create space for themselves in life. This space is best to make people relax enough. It is allowed to make different attempts.

It can be a private physical space that can exercise in the body such as exercise, yoga, etc., and gradually approach its physical feelings.

It can also be a trusted intimate relationship, allowing the expression that did not dare to express, crying, laughing, anger, hostility, disgust, rejection ... These have the opportunity to express.

In short, "good children" need to find room for understanding and support for themselves.

In the end, they can seek a balance between authenticity, false and self, and have their own courage, and have the ability to selectively conform to society and reality, and transform into a dynamic adult.

The process may not be smooth, but it is only meaningful to try to get closer to yourself.

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references

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D.W.WINNICOTT. Mature process and promotion environment-Study on the Theory of Emotional Development [M]. East China Normal University Press, 2017: 126-134.

Author: Zhihu Fat Pier

Responsible editor: ferry

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