What kind of life does the "soft control" family bring to children?

When you really control your life

You will find that love and control are not bundled with each other

You can use your own way

Express love, giving love

When it comes to raising children, "control" is an inevitable topic. Moderate control represents the care of parents' care for their children and can standardize their children's behavior. However, when the control is excessive, many hidden dangers buried in the child's heart will be more common.

We usually think that "control" is tough and rude, but in the native family, there is a very unique control model that makes it difficult to detect but powerful. This is "soft control": parents control the child in a gentle and loving way. If you don't obey, you will be tortured by guilt. Many times, the children themselves agree with the control of their parents. Even if they are very painful, they will force themselves to realize their parents' wishes.

The visitor Mr. D grew up in a "soft -controlled" native family with love. When he was a child, his family was poor, his father went out to work, and his mother raised four children alone. Mr. D has been particularly sensible since he was a child. He studied well at school. He returned home to do housework and take care of his younger siblings. He never let his mother worry. His mother praised him, and he praised him. And once he did not do anything according to his mother's mind, his mother would cry, saying that he was suffering, saying that he was boring. Whenever Mr. D is very guilty at this time, he feels very filial.

When he grew up, his mother hoped that he was studying medicine, and he gave up his favorite legal major. After graduating, the mother hoped that he would go home, and he gave up his job opportunity. He has a girlfriend with a good relationship in college, but his mother does not like it. He broke up and married his mother who chose his mother for him. After marriage, as soon as the mother's wish gave birth to a son. But in recent years, his mother still wants to have a second child. Under repeated urging, he finally fell into anxiety, became emotional, insomnia all night, frequently quarreled with his wife, and even sexual dysfunction.

Mr. D said that he repeatedly imagined every night. If he did not obey his mother at the beginning, what would his life now? Everything in front of him looks perfect, but there is nothing he wants. He was anxious and at a loss.

In Mr. D's story, we saw the life of "soft control" by his parents. Most of the time, the "soft control" parents are gentle and reasonable, and they rarely force their children. They know the understanding of their children and get the understanding of their children. After that, because of the love for parents, children will take the initiative to force themselves to fulfill their wishes. The trapped children under the "soft control" mode are often difficult to detect the "control" and live in self -doubts and repeated self -blame. They often feel that "I am wrong, I shouldn't have such an idea, I should listen to my parents, they are right. But, I am so eager to realize my own thoughts." In this way, the conflict of subconsciousness continues to occur, anxiety is anxious, anxiety It is also generated.

We often have the imprint of the "soft control" model -out of the wishes and expectations of our parents, or to cater to or pleased our parents in our hearts, we will unconsciously make some choices that violate our original intention: choose a "one" The school, choose a "good" profession, choose a "suitable" partner, give birth to children in "suitable age", "decent and gear" on some things ... There are too many us Think of "should" and "right", in fact, it is just from the wishes and control of parents in the native family.

Although the "soft -controlled" native family model, there is no lack of love, but the boundary of love is infringed, and the life and decision of the children are over -interfered, and the children's choice of their children's life and happiness has been deprived of their children. Children who grew up under the atmosphere of the "soft control" native family are often used to trying to figure out and meet the needs of parents, meet the needs of others, and also get used to ignoring their needs. Gradually, with age, it becomes more and more confused and anxious. Sometimes, even if we know what we want, we are concerned about the motivation and courage to fight for. As an adult, we must get rid of the control of native families from the psychological level and have our own life.

Please think about what is your life? How do you plan to realize such a life? If parents do not agree, how do you deal with it?

When you really control your life, you will find that love and control are not bundled with each other. You can use your own way to express love and give love without sacrificing your main control.

I hope that in the future, you will regain your sense of strength, gradually get rid of control and restraint, and live yourself.

(The author is a senior psychological counselor, psychological writer)

Send 2022.8.15 Total Issue 1056 "China News Weekly" magazine

Magazine title: Hidden shackles named in love -soft control

Author: Tang Jing

Edit: Wang Xiaoxia

Operation editor: Xiao Ran

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