When I was domestic violence, I did not treat her as a person alone

My name is Gu Wei, who used to be a domestic violence.

In 1984, I was born in rural southern Jiangsu and was the only child at home. Our family is more traditional. My mother takes care of the family, and my father does a three -shift work.

After I knew something, I found that my father was in addition to satisfying my food and clothing, and there were only a handful of communication with me, and he didn't even see him.

The impressed father was a person who was easily angry, at least before he was 55 years old. When he encountered contradictions outside, the solution he chose first was to quarrel, and then had physical conflicts with others.

This made me always think that "man" is relatively silent and colder. In the process of growing up, I can't express it much.

But I never thought that I would become a fist in my marriage.

You are my wife

you belong With Me

I met my lover in December 2010 and was engaged in two months.

The idea of ​​engagement was proposed by my father. He asked me:

"The other party is not suitable? It feels okay to hit the iron while it is hot."

At that time I was 28 years old and she was 26 years old.

Soon we lived together and lived in her house, which was also our most harmonious stage. She is more introverted, but we often chat and chat while walking.

Her name is Zhang Pei (a pseudonym). She is the only daughter of the family. She will back up every chapter of "Dream of Red Mansions". Native family.

At the end of 2011, we held a wedding ceremony.

But after the ceremony, our relationship turned sharply.

I started to think that she belonged to me.

Before the ceremony, I didn't feel this even if I had received the certificate. But after the ceremony, the transformation of this "control of control" is obvious.

In the concept of my father's traditional everyone:

You are my wife, then you should listen to me.

Suddenly new families formed, there are some inconsistent opinions in the small details of life. Everyone concession is okay.

But at that time, I always felt uncomfortable, and my parents would have ideas about these small details and tell me to tell me.

The pressure at work, my mother -in -law and mother -in -law ... My emotions are easy to get out of control.

Her mobile phone is often placed in the bag, not in hand, and sometimes unable to receive my phone in time.

My desire to control is really strong. If one phone is not answered, the two calls will be very irritable.

After she goes home, I will ask:

"Why don't you answer my phone? You can bring nothing else, but you can't get answering my phone!"

Another time she caught a cold and bought the medicine and put it on the table, but I think the dining table is used to eat.

Because of such a trivial matter, I quarreled with her, and in the later period, I played.

Later, I learned that this was the desire to control the perpetrators.

I was wronged outside and could not control the situation. After I went home, I wanted to control some power and wanted to implement it among small families.

In retrospect, in my relationship with her, my violence is upgraded step by step:

First, the volume of speaking is increased. For example, when she involves the relationship between her mother -in -law and mother -in -law, she wants to go out and enjoy the small world of two people. I either avoid the topic, or increase the volume to make her feel fear and let her shut up.

Some of her normal expressions, I feel that I am looking for faults, and I have a temper at all.

I don't necessarily scold her, but I will find her shortcomings to deny her and frustrate her confidence.

Under the fear of being often denied and beating, she was very confident and sunny.

If the volume is not useful, the second step I will pick up the cup and fall to the ground and smash things. It is nothing more than wanting her not to say anymore.

If the second step does not have much effect, the third step is to make physical conflicts.

Sure enough, the "effect" was very good, she shut up.

The first time she was pregnant for more than 6 months, the two of us were lying on the bed. She wanted to let me pay my salary card, and she came to put on money.

But at that time, we were just married, and our family was still in debt. Most of my salary was used to repay debts.

Under the dispute, I didn't want to listen anymore. I wanted to interrupt her, so I kicked her.

She stopped and I achieved the goal.

Her character was not easy to cry. When she was beaten, she opened her eyes and looked at you, tears in her eyes, and did not flow down.

The next morning, before she washed, she said to me seriously:

"Gu Wei, if you do this, I want to tell my parents, I also have to tell the village's women's federation director."

But I'm not afraid.

I don't think she knows, even if it is said? And the Director of the Women's Federation does not necessarily come.

I regret it after the domestic violence. I will apologize, write a guarantee, and kneel down.

Even so, from pregnancy to having a child, I have been upgrading to her violence, from two or three months, to two or three weeks.

Until I couldn't hide it, my father -in -law and mother -in -law intervened.

Mother -in -law has a lot of concerns. She knew that her daughter did not come to scold me after being beaten, but asked her:

"Do you say something wrong and do something wrong?"

But my father -in -law brought me some pressure. For the first time, after knowing that his daughter was beaten, he found his house.

"Why hit Zhang Pei?"

"Dad, I'm sorry, our pressure is great."

"You can work under pressure, you can hit your leader, why hit my daughter, why?"

"I can't control it." "Is this the reason?"

On March 20, after a conversation, I solemnly held my hand with my father -in -law, which could be understood as a promise between men. My father and mother were present, and the child's mother hugged the child.

However, in less than two weeks, on April 1, I broke my promise because of a small conflict.

I think it's wrong and call my father -in -law:

"Dad, sorry, I hit Zhang Pei again."

A scolding came from the phone:

"What's the matter with you? You are personal! You are sick."

At the request of my father -in -law, and for the sake of the child, she and her moved to my father -in -law's house.

The divorced man failed

The child's mother said that she was going to divorce. I was disgusted with these two words. The divorce man was a failure. I was afraid of being defined as the loser.

But living in this state, I don't know when she suddenly got out of control to hit her.

Like us like us, you don't know when you are suddenly triggered by something, it becomes a state of difficult understanding.

Soon after moving to my father -in -law's mother -in -law's house, we went to a relative's banquet. When I arrived at the hotel, I was walking in front. She hugged the child behind.

I want to find my seat first, and then guide them. I might go quickly and did not wait for her, but she thought I didn't care about them.

Misunderstanding has occurred again.

After returning home, the child's mother asked:

"Why don't you wait for me, why do you go so fast?"

I also said that I looked at her with a contempt at the dining table, and she also took out the smoke at the dining table to throw me.

I feel that she is out of nothing and misunderstand me, but I don't know how to express it.

Fortunately, at that time I was still awake, so I went to the kitchen to find my mother -in -law.

Mother -in -law said:

"You are too idle, you're idle, do your own business."

That night we also watched TV together and chatted.

At four or five o'clock the next day, in the morning in the early summer, she kicked me for no reason after going to the bathroom. It may be unintentional, but with a little strength.

The anger and emotions I accumulated were completely out of the bottom because of that foot.

I held my right fist and hit her head fiercely.

I did not treat her as a woman and did not treat her as my lover. I was release the depression.

She shouted from her throat, and I never heard that sound in my life.

A few years later, in a European -oped anti -domestic violence film, I saw the same scene of being beaten by women. Under that kind of fear, the woman couldn't speak.

The child's mother is this kind of voice. She can't speak, but she is extremely afraid and fear.

That day, the child slept in a room with his mother -in -law, and his mother -in -law was awakened. I was still playing at that time and smashed the child's mother's head with my fist.

Mother -in -law pulled me open hard:

"What are you doing! Gu Wei, what are you doing!"

At this time, the child heard the noise, woke up crying, and the mother -in -law returned to the room to see the child.

The gap returned in my mother -in -law may be less than a minute. I went to beat the child again. My emotions have not been vent, and I continue to fight.

It wasn't until the mother -in -law took the child to the room that the violence calmed down.

I remember that I held my hand tightly, like a stone.

I have never been like that, and I have never used that kind of power for adult men.

It was a matter of 6 years ago, but now it will still hurt to touch the two to three centimeters under the right hand.

The child's mother did not go to the identification. If you do it, the brain shock will definitely not run.

After this time we separated, she proposed a divorce.

At that time, I thought it was only necessary to apologize according to the previous processing method. Anyway, as long as she came back, my purpose was achieved, and I could not fulfill those words.

But the apology was not in exchange for reconciliation, and her divorce desire was very strong.

I finally realized that things seemed a bit difficult to deal with.

I told my parents that they did not punish me and took me to apologize again, and later went to find my two uncle together.

After I went to the door, my father -in -law said to the two uncle, and I still remember:

"You also have children, you also have daughters. If your daughter is treated like this, what do you think?"

Both uncles have daughters, and they must marry their wives.

But they still played a round field for me, saying that the couple quarreled is normal, and don't rise to the level of divorce.

The child's mother had been in the room. When I apologized, she came out. I felt that she was a little loose, and 70 % or 80 % could be solved.

A word of father -in -law stopped her:

"Zhang Pei, you decide, if you want to divorce, I support you, but if you want to go back, please think about it yourself."

In June, I received the courier in the company, which was a subpoena of the court with a red chapter on it.

In the first instance of 2014, in the second trial of 2015, my marriage was finally out of control, and it was over.

She is alone

Does she have the right to speak?

The child's mother has gone through the legal procedure, and I want to fight for the child's custody.

The court's sentence will consider the child's growth and the economic state of both parties, but if there is a case of domestic violence, the custody of the perpetrators will basically be lost.

At that time, I found various methods on the Internet to respond to proof, let the court adopt, and prepared some information that denied or even slandered the child's mother, but in the end it was not taken out.

My change is because of a documentary. At that time, the CCTV Legal Channel was broadcasting the "Chinese Anti -Family Blossom Documentary". A total of 8 episodes were played at 9 o'clock every night. I didn't finish watching it.

Those criminals detained in women's prisons were suffering from non -human violence before, and eventually killed their husbands. They were wearing prison uniforms and painful states, and they touched me a lot.

The seventh episode of the documentary talks about the violence, the "white ribbon", and also the origin of the white ribbon "the male opposes the" male to the female domestic violence ". It was the first time I knew that there was such an organization.

I remembered the name "China White Ribbon Volunteer Network". Go online, and some of the content on the official website moved me.

But what really helped me is the psychological consultation hotline of the "white ribbon".

The first one who picked up my phone was Teacher Wang, he said two points I always remember.

One is the perception of the violence. He said that you should understand the critical point of your anger, and you have to distinguish it; the second is to get rid of the current environment and cultivate some hobbies.

Indeed, there were very few friends before, and I didn't know how to vent the pressure. I went to bed when I was uncomfortable, or played games on the sofa.

In addition, he also suggested that I can find a reliable psychological counselor locally to receive continuous psychotherapy.

Picture source: Screenshot of CCTV "News Room"

The consultant in the hotline was a rotation system. Later, a female consultant surnamed Ge answered the phone. I talked to her for a long time.

When I described "I want my mother to close my mouth", she asked me a word:

"She is alone, do she have the right to speak?"

After hearing this sentence, I was dumbly speechless and shed tears with the phone.

Yes, she has the right to speak and the right to express, but at that time, I was deprived of her right to speak.

Picture source: Screenshot of CCTV "News Room"

Later, I accepted the theme of CCTV's anti -domestic violence. I used real names and did not cover it with mosaics.

Although I was worried that I would be recognized by the people around me, I made a wish, hoping to say "I'm sorry" to the child's mother sincerely.

I want to block the inheritance of violence

My parents have been with each other for thirty or forty years, and they are still quarreling. How much salt to add a dish can also become a trigger point for quarrels.

Sometimes I picked up my child for dinner from get off work. As soon as I opened the door, I was nervous when I saw them.

I was afraid of entering this dispute again, judging the right and wrong, and scrambling red ears.

I put my child's schoolbag directly on my shoulders:

"Baby, let's go outside to eat."

I will ask him in the car:

"Grandpa and grandma quarreled like this, do you feel like this?"

He said no.

One of the key reasons I changed is because of my son.

I am afraid he will learn me.

Because I have learned something bad from my grandfather and parents and put it into implementation.

My grandfather's domestic violence is more serious, and it is one of the three more famous domestic violence families in our village.

Grandpa beats grandma, and also beats children, especially aunt.

Grandpa and grandma gave birth to six children. Except for the second aunt, the other four were boys.

In rural areas, most men's families are not easily bullied. After uncle's accustomed to conflicting with the outside world, uncle went out to solve the problem with violence.

And I am the third generation in the family.

This unconscious shoulders the responsibility of "men must be glory to the ancestors", and to carry forward the family's so -called "good traditions" mission, it was reasonable for me at the time.

I think this is right, just depend on me.

It wasn't until later that I slowly knew that the culture that encouraged men to dominate actually created a masculine and domineering "straight man".

Social, school and family education do not introduce the concept of gender equality well.

Photo source: "White Ribbon" volunteer Sun Yan shooting

My first violence at home was at the age of 17.

The results of the college entrance examination were not ideal that year. I could only choose three and colleges. I decided not to study and entered the society to accumulate experience.

My father kept saying to me in his ear:

"Gu Wei, you don't study now, don't blame us at that time."

He repeatedly emphasized that my mother kept conclusive, and I was very disgusted.

In some words, I still have difficulty accepting it now:

"If you don't listen to me, go to eat a gun sooner or later."

One day in July 2000, he was having lunch, and his father talked about these problems again.

That year, 17 -year -old physical strength had reached a certain degree.

At the dinner table, I clenched my fist and hit my mother.

Why choose a mother?

Because she is a woman, because the perpetrators will evaluate the scene environment, I feel that my mother can fight.

At that time, there was no concept of gender equality, and there was no family.

Although her father did not have a hand to her mother, she often commented in her derogatory language.

When I was a kid, I heard these scolding feelings uncomfortable, but my mother did not resist. I slowly felt that I could not respect her, I could scold, or even beat.

Later, I went to the male growth workshop of the Northern Normal University. The teacher asked us to think about the role of men, especially his father.

What my father brought me is positive, such as working hard and resentment, but more negative.

For example, when dealing with conflicts, it is not established in a peaceful and civilized way to solve it, and there is no such choice. There is a sentence that also affects me: "It Starts with You, It Stays with You."

I want to block my son's violence from me from me.

I treat myself as a patient, I need to correct it, and I need to change myself.

Although I know that the realization rate of correction is not high, at least it can slow down and be restrained.

Picture source: author provided

When he was divorced, his son was only 4 years old and had doubts but would not express it.

I have descended my job at my work, hoping to have more time to accompany the child, and slowly explain to him why the parents no longer live together:

"Dad hurt her mother and scared her mother.

"In order to protect myself, my mother chooses to leave her father is the fault of my father. We must understand the mother."

Because I know that if he does not tell him clearly, he may feel that his parents are separated by his responsibility, and he will bear the growth of doubts.

I hope he can grow into a person who respects women and can express in a civilized way.

My child is very delicate. Sometimes I look at his eyes relatively low, and I will ask him if there is something in school.

He sometimes said, "Classmates have misunderstood me again, and bullied me again." I said, "Are you sad?"

He said, yes, my father, I was sad.

I said you cried, he cried. This effect is very good, and my father never allows me to cry.

When I first changed, I occasionally couldn't control my temper and increased the volume to make him fear, but I would apologize to my child afterwards.

The sincere apology is very powerful, and it is growth for both of us.

I also jokingly told him:

"Dad has ten shortcomings. Now it has changed two, and it will change a little later. It may be three or four."

I want him to know that his father was trying to change, and he worked hard. Author, planning: tower lid. This article is authorized to reprint from the WeChat public account: Dr. Dingxiangyisheng (Dingxiangyisheng), please contact WeChat for a second reprint: dingdangdxys. Dr. Lilac, found a healthy life together.

- END -