Between partners, you also need to learn "lying well."Here are 4 tips

A soul question: If in a relationship, the other party has a good opinion of others. Do you want the other party to confess with you, or still want the other party to conceal this, and still tell you, "I only like you alone"?

Maybe many of you will say the first time, I hope the other party will tell yourself. But in fact, if the other party not hesitate to inform you of the favor of TA for others and does not want to change with your relationship, it will make you feel that TA ignores your feelings.

And concealing this matter may be because TA feels that this incident will not affect your relationship with TA. When it comes to speaking, it will only increase your troubles, and you will conceal it for the purpose of protecting you.

The Ky editorial department also argued on this issue. In intimate relationships, there are really some lies, will it be a "good faith"? Should trust be required to be completely honest?

Today's article we will come to expand this issue.

Tell the truth or lie,

It is not the fundamental factor that affects trust

White Lies or Prosocial Laying, in fact, refers to people from goodwill, such as to avoid hurting the other party's feelings, or to ease the atmosphere, and say something that does not match the facts (Levine & Schweitzer (2014). We have said or said such lies in daily life, and this kind of good -faith deception is also considered the most often between people, such as partners, parent -child or friends (Bernstein, 2017).

Although many people think that whether they are good at good or not, lying and deception will cause people to damage the trust of a person. However, it is unexpected that recent research has found that good -faith lie can increase trust between people.

To study this issue, LEVINE and Schweitzer (2014) at the University of Pennsylvania invited 300 subjects to participate in an experiment.

In this experiment, the researchers played as a "information notification" and would see the result of the computer randomly throwing the coin, and the 300 were arranged as "information receiver". Know the result.

Researchers arranged a part of the "information notifications" (played by their own people) to truthfully inform the results and set up according to the experiment. In the case of truthful notification results, the informs will get $ 2, the receiver gets 0 US dollars; and the other part of the "information informers "Then tell a false result (deliberately reflected), according to the settings, at this time the informers can get 2 dollars, and the recipient can get $ 1.

In other words, when the informers lie, the receiver will actually profit from it. After the end of this link, the researchers announced the actual results, and the subject could know that the informs told the truth or lie during the experiment just now. Then fill in the related questionnaires of trust, including: whether to trust each other in attitude, the goodwill of the other party you feel, and so on.

The questionnaire results show that in fact, in fact, those who believe that they have lied to themselves but took care of their own interests. Not only that, the researchers continued to conduct a series of experiments and found that not only when a person said goodwill lies is conducive to the other party, the other party easily believes in TA, but also when the good faith lies are beneficial to both parties (Mutual Beneficial) - — Even if the other party knows that the liar has benefited from it, the other party is still willing to believe TA.

Levine and Schweitzer (2014) emphasized that these experiments explained that the goodwill that people feel will not be damaged because it is hidden in a lie.

They believe that we are willing to believe in a person, have positive and positive expectations for the behavior or intention of that person, and even willing to show fragility in front of this person (Rousseau et al., 2014) -the the key is Behind the other party's words, whether it contains true goodwill and whether it contains concerns and considerations of our interests, not whether the behavior itself conforms to the integrity of the general sense.

One of the manifestations of a person's mind is that TA has the ability to break away from words, and to understand people's true intentions and form an overall and coherent understanding of others. In the relationship, you don't need to be too tangled with words, but you have to pay more attention to the longer time limit. Will the other party's behavior often take into account your interests? Does TA see your feelings as important as his own, or even more important?

But sometimes people think of good -faith lie,

It is for myself (Self-Serving)

Scholars believe that some lies that seem to be "goodwill" are actually just goodwill from the lyinger's own perspective -although they think it is beneficial to the other party, it is essentially to give priority to their own interests in the process. And people may be self -aware of this "self -interest".

In order to avoid conflicts and "the feeling of taking care of the other party", people will only choose to deceive in order to avoid conflict. Many people will mistakenly believe that conflicts in the relationship should be avoided in any case. Therefore, the lies that they say to avoid conflict are always goodwill. However, conflict does not actually contain anger and hostility. As we said in the article "How to use conflicts to enhance intimacy", it is also a way for both parties to fully express themselves. This situation between partners is very common. In order to avoid quarrels, people refuse to say their actual feelings, "What's wrong with you?" "It's okay." Maintain surface peace.

In this case, whether the lies are goodwill depends on whether a person can make a trade -off for the other party between the "consequences" and "the benefits of bringing". And some people will blindly lie to avoid conflict (only considering the consequences), but they miss the opportunity to repair the relationship, or help the other party to correct mistakes and improve themselves. What you think of "taking care of each other's feelings" is actually the purpose of serving your own "no need to face conflict". Because the other party may need to understand the reality than "feeling".

This problem also exists in general interpersonal relationships. For example, when your friend is going to make a report at an important meeting, TA will seek some suggestions from you. At this time, you obviously have a lot of questions and suggestions, but in order to prevent the two sides from conducting more detailed discussions in this way, it has triggered disputes and conflicts of the other party, so you choose to "deceive" TA in good faith and tell the TA lecture. question. This seems to be a kind of goodwill, but in fact, it may allow the other party to go out at the meeting (Bernstein, 2017).

In order to obtain more control in the relationship, the "goodwill" of some lies only exists in the "ingenuity" and "manipulating tricks" of the liar. Look at the situation of the first text.

In a relationship, one party likes a person outside the relationship. TA chose to conceal and lied that he only liked his partner alone. At this time, TA's motivation is the most critical factor. Maybe, TA is indeed out of the purpose of protecting partners. TA may hold such an emotional outlook. It is believed that in long -term relationships, it is an unavoidable thing to like others, but TA does not intend to put this like to any action, nor does it think that this kind of like will be. Change the relationship between the two people. Therefore, TA believes that you don't need to tell the other party to avoid the emotional fluctuations and pain of the other party, and you can deal with the relationship without letting the relationship affect.

But there is another possibility. TA chooses to conceal and deceive in order to allow you to have more initiative. On the one hand, I do not want the partner's feelings for their feelings because of this change, and they do not want the possibility of the other party to be affected by their partner. But these people are also very good at using "I lie to take care of your feelings" for themselves.

At this time, for the benefit of their own, the liar not only intended to deceive the other party, but also tried to rewrite the other party's perception of "reality" -obviously hurting TA, but continued to emphasize repeatedly, brainwashing (brainwashing), so that TA believes that this is for this reason for this. TA's interests, until TA lost his judgment on "reality", and began to believe that the liemers did so for TA, and eventually the liar obtained more manipulation and control of TA.

To distinguish between the two, you need to be carried out based on your other incidents and longer judgments. Is TA consistently a person who can see your interests and feelings very heavy? If TA often can't take care of your feelings in many small things, believe me, TA will not do it for you.

Sometimes, some "frankness" is also self -interest

Sometimes, the reason why the party who master more information is frank and not lying, not because the information is beneficial to the other party, but to obtain the opponent's recognition of themselves and affirm the moral quality of their own. And this "self -interest" frankness, research found that in fact, it will not allow the other party to trust the liar (Levine & Schweitzer (2014).

Also in the context of the beginning of the text, if one of the partners always reveals her favor to other women, and even explains very deeply, TA may just be because I don't care about the other half, just to satisfy myself talking about talking The needs of these things. TA does not care whether these frankness is conducive to the feelings and interests of the other party. Those who are for the feelings of the other half, you will feel the emotions of TA in words, and will not discuss the details excessively, and will not express their feelings for another person. Therefore, frankness, like lying, may come from two completely different purposes.

It can be seen that what is really important is behind the truth or lie, the considerations made by the common interests of the other party and the two parties, and the full goodwill. We can feel goodwill, as long as you believe in your heart. Those who are packaged with "goodwill" are actually lies of self -interest, and you will definitely feel some weird and discomfort. In this matter, you need to believe your intuition, and at the same time, based on your long -term, consistent, and always understanding of the other party, you make a judgment of lying or frank operation of TA.

How to judge that we should choose frankly,

Or choose a good -faith lie?

For the parties, sometimes we face the question of "good truth" or "good faithful lies". Here are some methods we give. First, weigh the advantages and disadvantages. When you have the opportunity to consider whether to deceive the other party, it means to some extent, you have more information than the other party, and have more "power" than the other party, such as the marriage and family therapist William Doherty Said, A Lie is a Form of Power Over Someone (Bernstein, 2017). When you have a chance to lie, it means that you already have the right to surpass each other. At this time, you also have corresponding responsibilities to consider and weigh each other for each other and each other.

As mentioned above, you need to weigh the truth or lie to the other party may "the consequences and benefits brought" "short -term interests" and so on. For example, considering that a good -faith lie can only make the other party feel happy for a while, but it may make TA perform poorly at the meeting. You may choose to tell the other party that the actual needs to be improved (Lupoli et al., 2017), but if you Knowing that emotions will greatly affect the performance of TA, you may have different practices.

Second, consider the timing. Bernstein (2017) suggested that when you are making judgments, if the other party still has the opportunity to respond, adjust or change, that is, "beforehand", you should choose to tell the truth of the TA; if it is "afterwards", you can consider it to consider it to use it to use it to use it to use it to use it to use it to consider it. Good faith lies give the other party more affirmation and soothing.

For example, when a partner sought opinions from you before attending the dinner, then you should tell the truth that the partner -TA's clothes are not fit; and if the other party asked your opinion after the dinner, then you may be more to soothe TA with a good -faith lie — - TA's dress tonight is very eye -catching.

In addition, you still need to understand that a lie often requires us to use more.

In addition, if you think about the above points, you think you should still be frank to the other party, but you are worried that the truth may hurt the other party. The following suggestions are for your reference (Bernstein, 2017; Schuder, 2016):

1. Before telling the truth, ask the other party if you want to understand the real situation. In a way of "asking permission", you can help you understand the acceptance of the other party so that you can adjust your frank way or degree.

2. Think about it, if you are about to face such a truth, who do you want this truth to be expressed in what way? Your honesty can still be friendly (be honest, but also be know).

3. When communicating, you can choose some private, safe, and relaxed environments; and prepare to deal with some emergencies, such as the silence of the other party, emotional collapse, and so on.

4. While frank, you can also provide some constructive opinions to help the other party better deal with the truth and feel your goodwill and support.

References:

Bernstein, E. (2017). When is it ok to lie? The Wall Street Journal.Levine, E.E. & Schweitzer, M.E. (2014). Prosocial lies: When deception breeds trust. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 126, 88- 106.lupoli, M. J., JAMPOL, L., & Oveis, C. (2017). Laying Because We Care: Compassion Increases PROSOCIAL Laying. Journal of Experimental Psychology: Generat (7), 1026. ). How to talk the truthwhen it haurts? Wikihow.

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