How to be a "psychological maturity" father

Yesterday, I went to the supermarket with my friends and saw the advertisement of a dairy product: Father love formula.

She said: Father's love? It feels very difficult to drink (not healthy).

——Erimidies, she thought of her father who was absent from her childhood and adolescence, and her mother's anger for this belly. Now she is in her thirties and has feelings with her dad, but she can't get close. Two people are together alone, they will be embarrassed and want to run away immediately.

For a long time, his father has always been associated with low -quality parenting or occasional replacement of mothers.

If people have any expectations for their father's love, they use spiritual analysts Li Mengchao, called the back of victory -the father is expected to be the most successful person at home. He was silent and loved his children far away, leaving only a busy back to the family, becoming a symbol that is not real.

From the perspective of the growth of men, the matter of raising children has never been linked to male spirit. There is no good father or male role model to teach them: what is good enough dad?

They may love children, but often only hardware, no software: there is love, but I don't know what to do. From time to time, they may feel that they are not as good at parenting children and themselves than to kiss their mother. While being rejected by the family, they take the initiative to become dispensable. More and more time is just to escape the sense of oppression of the family.

▷ Inquiry, my husband was not derailed, but why did he have more and more shit to pull?

Western researchers described this situation with the term Father absence. Domestic calling for puppet childcare.

The Italian psychoor Luigi Zoja said in the book "Father": Today's father is under condemnation, not because he did what he did, but because he didn't do anything; Nothing said.

There are some dads today, and they realize that my father is important to the child and wants to prevent intergenerational trauma transmission. They look forward to participating in children's growth and willingness to learn how to become a good father, not just the males in the family.

▷ Luger Zhaojia, "Father Sex"

The point of view of what is a good father, psychologist Winnikott's point of view is:

足 First of all, he needs enough to be present. He wants to have a good partner relationship with his wife, exist in real daily interaction, and provide the second support system for children (except mother);

Secondly, he needs to survive. Children often treat men in the family idealized. As a father, he needed to survive the child's idealization of himself, the child's disappointment, hate, not competing, and not revenge. At the same time, he can expand his degree of acceptance of his true himself, and still pays for children and love.

This is a simple psychological nurturing child. It is the first ② of raising your own series: In today's context, what is the dad that is OK? Click here to read ①: How to cultivate a child with a psychological problem?

01

Enough to be present

It is enough to be present: the father appears in the child's life and has real interaction. He has a good relationship with his wife and assume part of his parenting responsibility.

1) Good father, first of all, there is a close partner relationship: he loves his wife

Ideally, in traditional heterosexual families, children need to feel that their parents are a pair of interactive, non -traumatic partnerships or parenting alliances (Diamond, 1986).

Parenting is a whole weather work. The most beneficial impact of his father's participation in childcare is that two caregivers can form a home system with better function. It allows children to better build the relationship between self, self, and mother (Herzog, 2009). As the classic theory pointed out: the father forced his child to respond to the world outside the mother and child relationship, so that the child's psychology was developed from binary support to ternary support.

When the parents have a good relationship, the child can feel it. If parents humiliate, degrade, and beat each other, they must see clearly. When the couple's opinions are inconsistent, children can observe how they deal with disputes.

The family education that children have been most able to earn since childhood are not a few principles that adults have to teach, but daily life interaction.

2) The value of his father lies in his existence

For what the father can do, the past research believes that the father's interaction tends to be physical contact (wrestling, swinging thousands), and more leading children to the external space; emotional tendency to humor and excitement, careless father can also be anxious mother for anxious mother Provide buffer.

Although from the perspective of feminism, this is a bit rigid impression. After all, the role of Dad's support for her family has been eliminated. Today, my mother has to go to work, and it also assumes the function of guiding the children to the real world.

But for children, the existence of father is still necessary because it means a different world, a different support system.

Even if it exists with the children, it is better than the father who always does not exist. Some psychoanalysis literature believes that children can feel their father's gaze (Green, 2009). Father is safe on the side. Regardless of the tone, movement, and smell, he is a very familiar adult. When he encounters a problem, he is a potential supporter.

Even speechless gaze is good for cultivating children's psychological growth (BION, 1962), self -reflection ability (1995), and subsequent self -acceptance -all can help children move towards independence and realize personalization. self. ▷ "turning red"

Of course, we are present. If his father only cares about himself, he is quite absent even if he is present.

Studies have found that if their father has sufficient emotional investment, they can also gain greater self -growth. Raising children may be irritable, but also make him more loving and patient, and more sensitive to the feelings of others and himself (HASS, 1994). Lewis (1986) found that contact with the baby exposed the intimate side of the man's character and allowed them to become more selfless or expressive. Palkovitz (1997) realized that his father's participation in raising also increased the empathy of these men, reduced self -centerism, and felt more free.

02

Survive

1) After surviving the child's idealization of his idealization

When many children were young, they would have idealistic illusion to the male image in the family. They thought that the father was super perfect and omnipotent.

The same is true of Freud. According to the book "Father's Sex":

One Saturday, his father Jacob wore a brand new leather hat on the street. When he turned into a corner, he was blocked by a tall man.

Jacob wanted to continue to move forward, but was a little timid. As a result, the man suddenly slapped Jacob's hat in the mud, and yelled at him arrogantly: Roll down from the sidewalk, you Jews!

Little Freud heard here and asked his father eagerly: What did you do?

My father replied calmly: I walked down the sidewalk and then picked up the hat. ——This answer is like a stick falling on Freud's heart.

When the child enters adolescence, they may suddenly discover: the father turned out to be an ordinary person! He also has various shortcomings.

His father who insists on childcare may lose his child's idealization to him, and at the same time he has to face the potential reality, that is, the child's loss is true, and he is really not so good. Michael J. Diamond, a psychologist who studies the relationship between father and son, wrote:

Many men find it difficult to admit their failure as a man. Until middle age, they thought they were a bit heroic all their lives. The formation of this concept was related to their success in their work, as a family member's ability, or previous achievements. After experiencing the contempt of their son, they often began to question their ambitions and heroic status.

If you encounter these things, you need to give up a little courage and give up the hero in your mind -don't be that person.

Parents are self -discovery. However, please note that self -discovery may be a cruel process. The arduous task faced by his father is here: you need to survive the loss of your child, accept the truth about yourself, what you are like to share with your child, expand your definition of masculinity, and say goodbye to heroism.

▷ Diamond, M. J. My Father Before Me

2) After surviving the child's hatred for yourself

The understanding of psychoanalysis of children's adolescence is the price of independence and growth -children try to replace part of their parents' functions in reality, so children will show their aggressive behavior unconsciously.

At this time, the most important job of parents is Survive. Advings the aggressive growth of young people's murderous growth, and provides an environment that allows confrontation, resistance and conflict to respond to their feelings in appropriately, does not retaliate, does not compete, and still love children.

Winnico believes that a healthy baby will definitely have violence and hatred in development. Children generally only love one of their parents, and they are tired of the other side. At the same time, they learn the feelings of love and hate -instead of suppressing their instincts.

As a parent, you must allow anger to spread and not threaten or retaliate against your child. To raise a child so that children can find the deepest part of their nature, they must despise someone, and sometimes they must hate him without the danger of completely rupturing relationships ... If parents can stand everything that the child does, things, things, things, things, things, things, things, things, things, things, things, things, things, things. It will solve.

▷ "turning red"

What if my father did not survive?

If he insists on his heroic fantasies, he vows to be Peter Pan, and keeps focusing on young derailment objects that can save the middle -aged crisis outside the family, and refuse to become a real and many defects. What will happen?

When the children grow up, they may fall into the painful desire for the perfect father. That is, Father HUNGER defined by Herzog (1982).

Winnico told a story:

A girl died before her birth. This girl grew up with the idealized fantasy of her father. The tragedy is that she has developed a view on the opposite sex on this basis, and always thinks perfectly to the men she encountered.

When she first started to fall in love, she could always find the best side of men, but she gradually realized that every man also had an imperfect side. Whenever this happens, she is desperate. The ideal father ruined her life. How happy she should be when her father was alive when she was in her childhood! She can see both her father's ideal appearance, but also to find that her father also has shortcomings; when her father disappointed her, she could also accept the hatred of her father.

▷ "Mom's Multi -Universe"

The process of being a parent is about self -surrender.

To be a good dad, you need to appreciate the child's nature, have the ability to think about yourself, take the courage to take action or choose not to take action, and keep participating in the child in the whole life that is constantly changing. The wish and willingness of growth (Diamond, 2007).

It takes a bit of faith to become a good father.

I wish you a full -fledged father, but it is okay.

references

————————————

Winnicott, D. W. (1971) 11. Contemporary Concepts of Adolescent Development and their Implications for Higher Education. Playing and Reality 17: 138-15050

The Importance of Fathers: A Psychoanalytic Re-Evaluation, Judith Trowell, Alicia Etchegoyen · 2002 · Family Relationships

Diamond, m. J. (2007). My Father Before Me: How Fathers and Sons Influice Each Other Throughout their Lives. W w norton Co.

Diamond, M. J. (2017). RECOVERING THE FATHER IN MIND AND FLESH: HISTORY, TRIADIC FUNCTIONING, AND DEVELOPMENTAL IMPLICATIONS. The Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 86(2), 297–334. DOI: 10.1002/psaq.12141

The Common ROLES of Fathers: The Five PS

Luger Zhaojia, "Father Sex", June 2015, World Book Publishing Company

Sun Ping, "It's not enough to be a playmate in a daughter, it's not enough to be a playmate"

Xu Jingjing, "Discovery and Discovery of Father's Division", Sanlian Life Weekly

Author: rivers and lakes

Responsible editor: KUMA

Cover: Dallas Morning News

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