Fu Zhen | Why do I have to be a mother?

Bleak

Bleak

Bleak

Women become mothers,

It's not a matter of course,

Whether it is physiological or psychological.

Click to watch Fu Zhen's "Talks Talks" speech video

From becoming a mother

Text / Fu Zhen

Until the age of thirty, I thought I would have always lived a free, fearless, even if it was not smooth, at least a large amount of controllable life. In the last year of the university, I went to Tibet. I met a boy from Hong Kong. The two tried to overcome the obstacles of the region and other real levels. Finally, they reunited and married in the UK. The story is written into a book. After working in London for many years, because I was tired and confused about the work of investment banks I was working at the time, I resigned with my husband and used the savings before. Write this experience on the road into two travel notes.

Fu Zhen and Mao Mingji during the trip

At that time, I thought that a wonderful life could be expanded endlessly like the horizon. Everything I wanted to have can come to me through brave and hard -working pursuit. Later, I realized that the so -called "the more we work harder and the more lucky" may be just the pride that has privileges and unknown. Life soon showed me the impermanence and cruelty of it -I married my husband for many years, but after returning to home after the trip, we seemed to feel the call of that kind of biological clock for the first time, and I felt that I felt that the biological clock was called, and I felt that I felt that the biological clock was summoned and felt that I felt that the biological clock was called. It seems that you can start to build a family with children. I was pregnant soon, but during a check -up, the doctor told us that the embryo stopped developing and needed to perform abortion surgery immediately. What's more cruel is that the same thing happened three times in a row, and I had a total of four clearance surgery -because the second pregnancy was a hydatari, a tumor disease, there was a higher chance of changing evils. In the Qing Palace, regular monitoring must be monitored to ensure that it is not converted into a malignant tumor. And those who have gone to the fetus will increase the chance of suffering from hydatiditic tires in the future. You can imagine the fear, grievances, confusion, anger, and inexplicable sense of guilt and shame in that time. In those two years, I felt that I had been riding a roller coaster that could not see the end, and experienced an infinite cycle of expectations and pain. Repeated Qinggong surgery is of course repeated damage to the body, but the kind of spiritual torture far exceeds the physiological pain.

There seems to be a reason for three consecutive pregnancy tires, but my husband and I have conducted various large and small examinations, and neither of them found any problems. There is no cause of treatment without the cause, and the doctor has to propose that we will continue to try. I remember the doctor said: It is probably bad luck, you think it is a dice, throw a few more times, there is always a meeting.

His sentence was a devastating blow to me, because I seemed to see my future at once, which was an infinite loop that could not go out. So I want to continue this way, looking forward to the fear in fear, and then falling to the bottom of the valley? Do I have to bear abortion surgery again and again? Want to loop this to my body so much that my body has completely lost her fertility? I don't know how to live.

During that time, I seemed to fall into a black hole. The world was isolated, and everything else was no longer real. Life seems to be stolen -not to say that stealing the life of my parents that I may have, but my real life has been stolen now. There seems to be only this thing left in life. You seem to be waiting for this matter, and it has passed away in vain, but it is neither important, and it makes you full of fear. I feel a huge change in myself, and this change is not good. I don't like it -I have become very paranoid and fragile -the free, brave, walking, and not wanting children to go Where did you go? How can there be such a big gap between the giving birth and ca n’t be born? I can't think of these issues, but there is no way to talk to others, because we have not described the language of these problems at all. In the mainstream words of our society, mothers and mothers are worthy of praise. Fertility is regarded as a kind of woman's power. One type of perfect female image seems to be both internal and external and can take into account the all -around mothers of career and family. In contrast, fetal stops, abortion, infertility ... These experiences seem to be a private pain, which is an unspeakable taboo. Not only did we say that we couldn't even say that even the family and friends who cared about us did not know how to ask or comfort us, because these issues have never been discussed publicly and frankly, so everyone has not exchanged the language of these things, nor does it know how to grasp sympathy for sympathy. Consolation and spy privacy can cause the boundaries and standards between the two of the two. There is no definition of existence without language, so the existence loses the legitimacy, so the taboo has evolved into a sense of shame -although you also know that this shame is ridiculous, neither fair nor reasonable.

During that time, I only did one thing every day, that is, searching information on the Internet crazy. Because infertility is a taboo pain, everyone can only gather on the secret territory of the Internet. I met many women who are sympathetic to each other on the Internet. Everyone comforted each other, discussed each other, and made suggestions for each other. This kind of newspaper heating also gave me a lot of comfort. The most important thing was to let me know. On the body. I go to the Chinese website and also go to the English website, like a borderless female alliance. I have learned countless medical knowledge about reproductive and fertility, as if they have been ill for a long time. The information fish dragon on the Internet is mixed, but the most important information for me is obtained from the English website. It may be because the technology in China was not popular at that time, that is, the PGS technology of the third -generation IVF. Pre -implanted genetic screening. You can use IVF to get the embryo. After cultivating them in the laboratory, they are peeled into some cells for genetic testing, and then the chromosomes have no defect embryos into the uterus, which greatly reduces the chance of abortion in later tires. Essence For patients with unknown reasons like me, it is not necessarily the best solution, but it is likely to be worth trying.

Fu Zhen's "Zebra"

I immediately decided to do it. Because I believe in the power of science, and because I have enough passiveness that I have remembered, I especially hope that I can take the initiative to do something. After doing some investigations, comprehensive test tube technology, medical environment, operation procedures and other factors, we finally chose to go to a auxiliary reproductive clinic in Bangkok, Thailand. At that time, I did have a mood that wanted to escape. I wanted to leave this prison cage and go to a sunny tropical city to try it, and it is also like a escape journey. I just pierced into a completely strange world, and there was a core every day in life -when did you see a doctor and when to get an injection -but there was nothing else in most of the time. I took a look at Bangkok alone, explored everywhere, and came to many women who came to Bangkok Clinic because of the problem of fertility to communicate with each other and establish friendship. It was a very wonderful day. Although there was nothing wrong with something, the life that was impacted by various scenery, culture and concepts every day made you feel that the body also seems to have changed a lot of changes, and your mood gets your mood. A lot of relief.

I am very lucky. The first test tube treatment was successful. Although there was only one chromosomal that was completely normal in the end, it grew healthy healthily after implantation and was smooth production. Now my daughter is over six years old. Is it hard? Maybe. But there is no relieved relaxation. From pregnancy, abortion, infertility, to test tubes, to fertility, there have been too many things in my heart and too many changes in my heart in these years, as if your thought is in a chemical reaction, when it is crystallized After that, you can say and write it. So I spent a few years, based on this painful and strange personal experience, and wrote a novel called "Zebra", which was not only to organize thoughts, self -analysis, but also to heal and let go.

Fu Zhen's "Zebra"

In a sense, trauma and suffering are also evidence of our life. Undertaking suffering is an art. Effective narrative can determine the wound and explore and heal it. Only when you can express your pain without hindrance, you can get a freedom to relieve from pain, and to gain strength because of his sense of control of your stories and experience. As if, what I said just now, when I first started to pour out these private pasts from my family and friends, it was still difficult to hold back tears. But after the narration and writing again and again, I can now share this experience with you very calmly. This made me feel free and obtained a sense of dignity because of frankly facing my pain. At the same time, I am sure that I am not the only person who has experienced similar pain, but these physiological and psychological experience are still described. There are more and more topics of marriage, production, and mother positions, but abortion, death, infertility, auxiliary reproduction, these pain, contradictions, and unruly women's experiences are almost out of voice, but you go to see those auxiliary auxiliary. Reproductive hospitals and infertility departments are actually crowded with people, one by one. When I am in it, I got a lot of comfort and strength from the other women in the Internet and the clinic, and I also saw the unparalleled courage and tenacity on them. But at the level of society, we are silent and depressed, and have been living in the shadow, and have never been seen. Coupled with the stubbornness, depression, depression, "ugly family", especially the social and cultural social culture that has been stubborn, "family ugliness cannot be raised", especially the individual silence and society's silence are integrated into one. Some things are not described or recorded, it is about not happening.而那些在我们之后的人，那些忽然发现自己身处同样困境的女性，由于缺乏参照系，就没有办法安顿自己的经历，就会导致她们对自己的经历和情绪产生怀疑，甚至自我否定，于是Those feelings were deliberately ignored and suppressed again and again, so we fell into a very sad infinite cycle.

When writing "Zebra", I saw an article that the purpose of literary creation was to "report letter". It is said that Dajiang Jianlang took the sentence from the Bible as the basic principle of his writing- "Only I have escaped to report to you." Everything is described and rebuilt. The story is the information that a world brings to another. I want to see this book that let everyone see this group in the shadow that was hardly seen before; see those experienced experiences and problems that are unique to women, and those who are those who are female It should not be a woman's problem. Women become mothers are not a matter of course, whether they are physiological or psychologically.

I also hope that whether it is a woman who is in the predicament, or the women who see the dilemma of others, they can speak boldly, write it down, and let us see each other. The discourse lets us come together, but silence will separate us. Once some things start to be discussed frankly and openly, it will no longer imprison everyone in the traditional shadow. In a sense, liberation is a process of storytelling: telling stories, breaking silence, and creating new stories. I believe this is the power of women's writing. I believe that women have such courage to step on a journey of pain and finally gain freedom and dignity.

This article is Fu Zhen's "Talks" speech

Watch the full video, you can download the "One Meeting TALKS" APP

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Fu Zhen | "Zebra" | People's Literature Press

★ Fu Zhen's new masterpiece in 2022, the novel of the first minister of the first seven years of violation of the seven years

★ From net red blogger to full -time writer, from Beijing to Bangkok

★ Charity of perseverance, looking for yourself, a journey of Nirvana, which spans 3,200 kilometers

After experiencing three congenital recurrence abortion after experiencing three innate recurrence, 32 -year -old was different from her husband Pingchuan. The obsession and exploration of fertility and the self -searching for self -promoting Su Ang alone to Thailand to seek PGS technology help. The encounter and reunion on the way unexpectedly opened a world full of wonders and unknown for her.

Through the three core themes of fertility selection, self -growth, and gender relationships, "Zebra" tells a story of self -searching and self -reconciliation with the perspective of travel notes and a sense of suspense, full of strong exotic and cultural tension.

Preliminary review of the manuscript: Malin Xiaoluo, Zhou Bei

Manuscript review: Wang Wei

Manuscript final trial: Wang Qiuling

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