How to cultivate a "psychological problem" child?

For ordinary people, psychology is sometimes scary.

Because as long as you are willing, as a parent, you can always find your own unsuccessful place.

When the child cries and does not comfort it in time, you are emotionally ignored; immediately comfort, you are the parents of the helicopter ... There are many fierce concepts in the world, waiting for the novice parents to dance the claws.

Say it sounds, and the previous generation may be busy learning to learn childbearing. But today's situation seems to be another extreme:

My childhood is so unfortunate, so I will never be a child child. I want to give him a lot of praise and give him a free and perfect childhood. After adulthood, I want to provide him with unlimited choices as much as possible. If he wants to do whatever he wants, change it if he doesn't like it, so that he must live happily (don't work hard and limited like me).

Ten years ago, American society also appeared similar to such a childcare style:

Give your children's attention all the time, remind them that they are perfect and special. You are not good at XXX. You are just good at XXX in other ways. You need to keep happily at all times (because this is my wish).

▷ Douban 9 points, the most popular psychological self -service book last year

Lori Gottlieb, the author of "Maybe you should find someone to talk", found that the children raised by these families seem to have an incomparable childhood, family, and social status, but these young people walked into psychological counseling. Room, complain about your anxiety, depression, and no direction:

My parents ... pretty good! But I don't know why, I am always happy. I seem to have a lot of choices, but every time I devote to a choice, I feel that it is not as perfect as I imagine. I always can't believe my decision.

In 2011, Lori, who observed this phenomenon, published an article that caused a huge sensation in the Atlantic Monthly, entitled "How to Land Your Kid in Therapy".

She pointed out in the blood:

Obsessed with children's happiness may make them unfortunate.

Our generation of people's obsession with unlimited choices, self -esteem and happiness may raise young people who have a strong sense of power, narcissism, materialism, and unable to face challenges after adulthood.

These new parents do not do enough, just the opposite: they are always afraid of doing too little and doing too much. They are parents of over-parenting.

▷ Lori Gottlieb and her child

01

The obsession with happiness is not conducive to developing children’s true self

Clinical psychologist Judith Locke believes that there are two characteristics of excessive breeding:

1) Over-assisting

Parents excessively help their children to complete various tasks out of good intentions. However, this may make it difficult for children to develop basic skills.

Although the child may be praised for successfully completing the task, their self -built on the false self in the eyes of others -the same factors may also cause the child to fall into a psychological crisis.

2) Supermine response (Extreme Responsiveness)

Parents' response to their children is extremely sensitive, and the degree of love, care, love and praise for children is beyond the real situation.

They believe that the children said, excessively protecting the child to develop high -level self -esteem, telling the child how different and talented he is, so that the children are not used to any constructive criticism, or overestimate themselves in the crowd. Uniqueness. But what they feel is not very good, but they are better than others.

Lori gave two typical examples:

Parents with children will find the head teacher, ask him not to use a red pen to correct his homework -because he is worried about cracking down on the child's self -esteem, or he is in a bad mood. Lori calls the parent's self -intoxication with the pretext of children's self -esteem.

The school has a juvenile football team, and the organizers have invented various awards in order to make each child feel good. For example, the best progress award for children with poor performance but progressive children, promulgating the full diligence award to children who do not have achieved results ... In short, everyone is commendable. The atmosphere of the team is great and there is no loser. But in fact all children know who is MVP.

▷ "Mom's Multi -Universe"

Sometimes setbacks are not only necessary (we grow from failure), but also real (it is more in line with the rules of our society).

Parents may unwilling to admit that shyness, depression, and exclusion ... These experiences of negative emotions also belong to the right to grow.

For example, psychoana Adam Phillips said that demanding happiness will destroy life. There must be suffering in life. If we try to eliminate pain, cover up pain or paralysis with happiness, or forget the pain with the attention of us or others, we cannot learn to accept and adjust it.

The possible consequence of blocking all setbacks is that children cannot bear precise feedback on themselves. Their narcissism is increasingly expanded, so that after completing a certain job, if they are not praised, they will be criticized.

02

Died in society and happiness

Obviously, my parents also hope that I will live a happy life.

When I continue to advance the dialogue, I will find that they are a very harsh standard for happiness:

There is my own house in Beijing (from a myth that believes that the house can end the wandering feeling)

There is a marriage object that has a higher income than me (the decent type of Beier in the New Year)

The child is the director in the company (yes, not a small staff, or the founder. Because the former is too humble, the latter is too hard. As for why it is the director, it may be given by the domestic workplace drama).)

In this way, no matter what misfortune happens, I can call it a happy society.

Later, I gradually realized that I hope that the child must be happy and hope that the child must be different, but the two different projections of parents based on their own wishes.

▷ "My Uncle"

Parents' psychological motivations are:

1) Mix the needs of yourself and your child to talk about

My brother kicked his legs when he was a kid, so you must not engage in dangerous sports, especially playing football ... In a certain level, the starting point of excessive raising is always exciting.

Because of anxiety or fear, parents try to avoid the murmurs on the road of growth, fill their emotional black holes, and even ignore the parent -child boundary, and deprive them of the opportunity to develop a complete personality.

However, real life means that you also need to experience out of control, collapse, unsatisfactory, and imperfections. We don't need to kill them, we just need to learn not to let ourselves be killed by negative emotions. It is important to distinguish whether your emotions are from the present, or the overlapping reaction induced by the past?

2) Use fantasy bond to deal with death anxiety

The fantasy bond is the concept of psychologist Robert Firestone. It first appeared to deal with interpersonal pain and separation anxiety. In the fantasy bond, the parents eased their fear of loneliness, separation, and death by imagining the connection between themselves and their children -that is, the ultimate separation.

Parents will feel that they are integrated with their children and cherish the feeling of being needed by their children. For example, wash socks for adult children and call their children every day. But in reality, they may not even be fully interacted with children, and realize what children really need.

▷ "My Uncle"

03

Unexpected life is not worth living

Philippa Perry wrote in the book "I really hope my parents read this book":

Not long ago, a precious mother asked me, what would it be if a suggestion for novice parents?

I told her: No matter how old the child is, he will use action to remind you that you experience the emotions at his age.

The part you really need to learn for parenting is the feeling of dealing with your child on you, learning aside the obstacles left by your childhood (it hinders your true love, you are the tenderness and acceptance of your parents, your body contacts , The presence and understanding of the body), and then enjoy the fun what adults should have.

▷ Psychological counselor Philippa Perry

Parents need to examine their trauma (experience, belief, expectations), and work hard to heal themselves instead of projected on their children. When we really see ourselves and learn to sympathize with ourselves, we will get freedom.

I am willing to use the most confidant of life of Owen Yaron as a master -ist psychotherapy master, as the end of today's article: unruly life is not worth living.

If you always think:

Don't let me catch any places that do not respect my children, otherwise you can see how terrible the people who we have been resisting by PUA since childhood!

Wake up, that is just a Chi Fa Youth acne that we stepped into the middle of the middle of the middle.

Further reading: How to make a 60 -point parent

There is a kind of mother love called swallow

How to destroy a child? The answer to "Black Mirror" is: protect TA

How can I be a good mother? Psychological counselor said

The revenge of confinement, unforgettable for life: How to make novice mothers less sad?

PS: From the perspective of Winnico, if you want to raise a child who can make good self -psychological regulation, you don't need to be a perfect mother. You only need to be a good enough mother (mother is the name of the adult).

Author: rivers and lakes

Responsible editor: KUMA

Cover: friends

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