My wife forgot me, but there is still the next layer of hell: I can't calm her shouting

Part of the story in this article is adapted from "Ten Years of Care: Harvard Doctor and Alzheimer's Disease". Today is the 29th "World Alzheimer's Day". This year's theme is "Knowing Knowing and Preventing Early Wisdom to the Future." With the progress of Alzheimer's disease, patients will gradually lose their ability to take care of themselves. The care work will become a huge challenge, making the caregiver's body and mental health facing crisis. Understanding and caring caregivers is the hope of the entire family.

"Give me out!" My wife woke up from a nap and found a strange man lying on the bed. She was frightened, screamed, and beat him crazy.

But the "strange man" is not someone else, but me, a husband who has been with her for more than forty years. I am a psychiatrist with professional training. I also teach how to take care of patients at the medical school. It is reasonable to cope with it. But at the moment of the incident, I was still a terrifying and sad husband.

However, my wife could not recognize that I was not the most desperate. After she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's illness, she could not stop care, her more frequent temper, resistance to dressing and eating made me feel tired and frustrated. And even angry.

My wife is sick. I am her main caregiver, but now I am more urgent to help the person.

The care work is trapped in me | pixabay

Tired and frustrated

But how can I escape my care of my lover?

His wife was a professor of university, and he gradually did not understand the news and could not count the price. I took her to see the best neurologists and got the most advanced examination and drug at that time, but after leaving the hospital, most of the care work fell on my family, mainly me:

At 6 o'clock every morning, I called my wife to get up, took her to the bathroom, and handed her toilet paper and washing her hands. Then, I helped her put on sports clothes and pants to take her out for a walk. After returning home, I helped her to take a bath and change clothes. After that, I will lead my wife to the kitchen, prepare breakfast, and slowly feed her to eat.

After dinner, I took my wife to the office and took care of her while working to prevent her from hurting herself alone.

After get off work, I went home to cook, feed, took her to watch TV, and explained the news to her. In the evening, I put on her pajamas, brushed her teeth, and prepared to go to bed. During this period, I would always answer her questions, such as repeating dozens of times what I did today.

If you go smoothly, my wife quickly fell asleep. I quietly got up, closed the door, washing the dishes, cleaning the room, preparing food and drugs the next day, and preparing for work. Finally lying back on the bed, I spent it in my mind for the next 12 hours: I asked her to get up to the toilet at night, so as not to dirty the bed and floor again; I got up earlier so that I had enough time to calmly and tenderness. Help her take a bath; in the end, I hope that the wife will not yell after waking up in the middle of the night, keep walking in the house or punch and kick me.

Get up the next day, I will repeat all this | pixabay

Despite tiredness, I have gradually become accustomed to taking care of my wife. But at the last family gathering, my wife was unwilling to chat with everyone, and she looked frustrated and scared. Therefore, my son was furious to me. He felt that she had paid so much for my career and the whole family when she was young. Now I am selfish. Can't take care of her. I quarreled with my son, then collapsed, and shed tears, causing everyone to cry.

I suddenly realized that I had always done almost all care work because I felt that this was my own responsibility. Now, more than ten hours of care every day make me very tired, and the results of the medical examination are not as good as before. I still don't want my wife to miss the party and walk, I don't want her to eat a meal, I don't want her to wear diapers, I don't want to interrupt it impatiently The problem she repeated ... I couldn't complete everything I wanted to do, fell into self -blame and weakness, and became easy to get angry.

It must be changed, I need to ensure my health first, get the help of my children, relatives and friends, and the time for me to breathe.

Fortunately, I found a thoughtful and tolerant family caregiver who was responsible for the daytime accompaniment. After my wife accepted the nursing worker, I finally worked with peace of mind. More importantly, when I take care of my wife, I no longer worry about anxiety, and my unable to control my temper has improved. My wife also reduced my guilt for my care. At that time, the relationship between the two was stable.

Once, I couldn't imagine that my lover was cared for with others, but if there was no caregiver, I might have collapsed, and it was difficult to continue to take care of my wife at home. I could only choose to give up completely.

How to reduce the care of care

"Care" refers to helping people in need (such as young, elderly, or sick relatives), and even the strongest people may still suffer from physical and psychological pain in the process of care. Alzheimer's disease is more stressful than other chronic diseases to caregivers.

Recently, weighing significantly increased or decreased, lack of sleep, physical pain, easy to get angry, feels tired or sad, and lost interest in things that I like in the past. It is a reminder that it is too stressful. You can try to relieve it:

1. Protect your care ability: You don't have to do everything in one person, let professionals, family and friends share responsibility, such as short -term companionship, helping shopping or cooking. Do not feel guilty because of spending time to do your own, temporarily rest and stay away. It is a good thing to control the guardians and caregivers.

2. "imperfect" is inevitable: even if the care week is complete, many sexual diseases will continue to increase. Understand disease knowledge, do not try to complete things outside the scope of ability, and believe that you have tried your best to make the best decision. 3. Do the most important thing first: list the task list and separate the priority, such as considering the food that is easy to prepare and reduce the number of baths.

4. Take care of yourself to take care of others: try to maintain healthy sleep, diet and exercise habits, and seek help from relatives, friends and doctors when needed.

The next layer of hell

It's my wife's mania ignited my anger

The caregiver eases our lives, and I can temporarily relax, and I often see a smile on my wife's face.

However, the disease not only silently wiped the memory of the wife's life, the traces of the family, but also rose to anxiety and panic. I just felt that I finally controlled my life, and everything was separated again. We fell to the next layer of hell again.

The wife's emotions become more unstable and unpredictable, and sometimes hallucinations and delusions have occurred. For example, they suddenly speak loudly in the air, or determine that their food is toxic, and someone wants to steal her property. This irresistible mad state is the most weak part of the process of care for her, making it more difficult to take her out:

One year, my wife celebrated a high -end restaurant, and my mother, younger brother and brother -in -law were gone. When we were sitting, the wife jumped up sharply and shouted to me angrily that she was no longer a child, and I didn't need to help her sit on the chair. A few minutes later, she stood up from the chair again because we did not give her some red wine. But in fact, she could not drink during the medication.

Soon, we shocked everyone in the store. The whole dinner is like a disaster, full of tension, every few minutes, his wife will lose his temper. When I finally left, I wanted to hold her in the car, but she tried to resist, and I had to rush into the bustling traffic and pulled her back to the car. On the way home, she threatened to jump out of the door and end it all.

When we finally returned home, the wife had become quite irritable. She hits a small table and threw all the paintings and other things on the wall on the floor. At this time, I could hardly restrain the anger in my heart. I don't know if I can still endure it, and this is not the first time I think so.

The wife refused to change clothes or go to bed, until the irritable heat was exhausted and fell asleep on the sofa. I took a blanket and covered her, then poured on the chair, and sat for several hours. I blame myself for my anger, but I don't know what I can do.

The next morning, she knew nothing about what happened the night before: "Why do we sleep in the living room?"

"Ten Years of Care: Harvard and Alzheimer's Disease Wife" | CITIC Publishing House

Alzheimer's disease is cruel. One of the reasons for the controller is that it deprives it of a very critical part in the care process, that is, the feedback of the caregiver.

有时，妻子会温暖而感激地回应我的照护，咧着嘴笑开来；也有时，她因为想象中的缘由对我大喊大叫，充满怨恨；偶尔，她还会认不出我，任How do I explain, I refuse to let me approach her. The wife may improve after a few hours, and even laughs for the previous things. But my heart was broken, and I felt that everything I did didn't get any return.

From the perspective of medicine to explain how the disease causes his wife's behavior and emotional abnormalities, but as a person who cares about her day and night, it seems like the bond between us -the unbroken bonds that have been forged in the past half a century, It was so stretched for a moment.

When pain, resentment, and fatigue start to invade the care relationship, it may evolve into language, spiritual abuse, and even physical violence. Fortunately, medical training made me be alert to my emotional fluctuations and other early warning signals. I accepted my anger feelings, but did not completely lose control.

How to face negative emotions

Alzheimer's disease may cause patients to lose their memory of their loved ones and be angry and dissatisfied with the guardians. More than 80%of patients have symptoms of nerve and mental symptoms, including indifference, irritability, depression, and delusion. These symptoms have significantly increased the pressure of the caregiver.

The caregiver feels normal, anger, frustration, exhaustion, or sadness. It may also have negative emotions for patients and care responsibilities, which does not mean that you are an unqualified caregiver. After accepting your own emotions, you can try the following improvement methods:

1. Get the support of others: You are easy to be isolated at home. When the caregiver cannot express gratitude, he often talks to his family, friends and other caregivers to get recognition and encouragement;

2. I often remind myself: I am doing my best. What I am doing is difficult for anyone. I am not perfect but it doesn't matter. I will enjoy the moment when we can get along peacefully. Disease, not what I do;

3. About 40%of Alzheimer's caregivers have anxiety and depression symptoms. They need to ask for help from mental and mental health professionals in time to protect the mental health of the caregiver and avoid abuse patients.

I promise to take care of my wife at home

After all, betrayed her

The days are good or bad. My heart is broken and complete, and the tasks and pain have not decreased, but in the forced world of the annoying disease, we still gain a little happiness. Every day, I am thinking about the details of the details that urgently need to solve, but she puts aside the major problems such as Alzheimer's disease. I have not considered the last stage of the disease, but occasionally I think that if I walk earlier than my wife, my children still have their own lives and live far, it is likely that I can't take care of my wife at home or often go to the nursing home to visit her. This idea is too depressed. I always desperately want to suppress or deny it.

At the 10th year of care, it was very difficult for a few weeks. Although several drugs have been taken, the wife will still appear crazy state every two days.

One night, she smashed the paintings on the wall and several discs, shouting that I was a stranger, intending to hurt her, and then lying on the floor and kicked and shouted. I can soothe her as gentle as possible, but it does not help. I sat on the ground heavily, and I couldn't even flow out. As if there was a high wall that could not be overwhelmed in front of me, I couldn't see how I could continue, I could only let her swallow her.

After my wife was lying on the floor asleep, I called an expert in late dementia psychiatric medication. He suggested that she immediately let her be hospitalized. I didn't sleep all night, and sent my wife to the elderly nerve psychiatric ward the next day. After returning home alone, I couldn't help tears when I called my children, and felt very failed.

For so many years, I have been taking care of my wife at home as the only choice, and I have made a promise to her. But in the end, I couldn't fulfill it after all.

The family found a carefully careding home, and the wife turned around after the condition was stable. In the next nine months, she gradually lost the ability to move the limbs, and her sleep time became longer and longer. I go to see her every day. Sometimes she recognizes me and smiled, but more often, she seems to just lose her life in her last journey. During this time, even if my children and family often came to see me, I still felt isolated and overwhelmed.

My wife gradually weakened, and my family respected her repeated opinion before -not to make any retention. This pleading has been officially recorded in her life -free orientation and attorney. The whole family sat around her bed and recalled a lot of stories in the past, saying goodbye to her until she left quietly in the middle of the night.

Now that my wife has left me for 7 years, the frustrated but helpful care experience has turned into my heart, calling for the love deep in my soul. During the memory process, her grief gradually transformed into a treasure of my own.

That 10 -year care made me understand that it could not be perfect: no matter how much expectations of the once and formed victory, and how hard to plan and pay, we will be trapped in a fragile situation. Hope to embellish balance and satisfaction.

Develop long -term care plan

After understanding the law of disease development, you can start discussions with your family as soon as possible so that patients can also participate in the decision -making process. Jointly agreed to have long -term care in the family or institutions, when to change the care method, medical choice, and even burial methods. Discuss issues on law and finance. Facing early, it is conducive to better respect for patients' wishes and help caregivers accept reality.

The main caregivers should formulate plans for their own unexpected situations, to affirm the care methods and caregivers with their relatives and friends, and leave the necessary information for the next caregiver: the patient's disease and treatment situation, the assistance in life needs, and like in love, like in love, likes to like And disgusting things, existing behaviors, and how to help them calm down.

Even if the care has ended, symptoms such as depression and anxiety may bother the caregivers for several years, and they need to continue psychological support.

Of course, every story is staged in its own world. I know Alzheimer's disease, intimate and stable relationships with family and friends, and have good economic conditions and social resources. These wind waves that support me and my wife to resist the disease and care.

More than 50 million patients around the world are plagued by Alzheimer's disease. About 10 million patients over 60 years old, nearly 50%of the prevalence of people over 85 years old, more than 90%of them are cared for by their family. Each caregiver is facing a unique physical and mental health status, family relationship, work and financial pressure, and customs and habits. Therefore, there are different care methods, processes, and feelings, but everyone will eventually experience stress and frustration. And the support of the people around.

For Alzheimer's disease, we are still looking for the way to prevent the disease from running to the end. The career of the family is still the most heavy care work. Keep the caregiver's fire from extinguishing, so that the entire family can continue to support in the fog of suffering.

references

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[13] https://my.ClevelandClinic.org/health/diseases/9225-caregiver-burnout

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Author: Dai Tianyi

Edit: Odette

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