The pain of love | Have you experienced these 4 stages after breaking up?

author

Xun Mengyu Liu Xiangyu

"I broke up. One week ago he was still the closest person to me. This feeling seemed to dream, as if it was next time. I did n’t have a quiet one day in the past two days. I persuaded myself to live my life. But I ca n’t help it. I ca n’t help watching his circle of friends, looking at the photos taken before, and then crying without controlling ... ”

This is the inner monologue of a girl after falling in love. Breaking up is a loss of relationships, which means that we have lost the person who was close, and it also meant the future that we lost each other. Therefore, many people feel that life has lost its direction after breaking up.

The more we are in this out of control, correspondingly, the stronger the desire to get a sense of control, so we often hope that there is a switch that can control emotions. The relationship and new life, do not know that this is almost impossible. On the contrary, the more you want to control, the more you will get out of control.

Studies have found that after three months of falling in love, the anger and attacks of themselves and their predecessors will be reduced; after 12 months of falling in love, there will be obvious actions to meet new people and explore new relationships (Xiao Youqin, 2019).

In other words, it is inevitable to go through a natural process to get out of love.

Four stages after falling in love

In 1970, psychologist John Bossi proposed the famous "sad stage", mainly including 4 stages.

// Phase 1: numb, shock

Some scholars have interviewed those who have been in love for more than 1 year and have experienced severe psychological pain in the first stage of the breakup (Yan Xiao Jia Xiaoming, 2018).

After breaking up, all anger and sadness will not be able to cover up, and when the mood is too strong, it may be numb. If you are "broken up" without preparing, this pain will be even more severe, and it will even accompany continuous collapse. In severe cases, physical and speech violence may occur.

// Phase 2: Find, desire

When a strong emotional storm passes, you will be very eager to build a connection with the lost person. Maybe there will be countless instantaneous recalling the past every day, and maybe it will be sensitive to changes after the breakup. I get up in the morning and find less "Good Morning". The position of WeChat is no longer the familiar avatar. The double meal becomes a single meal ... Mowing

After the relationship is over, there is still potential repair. At this stage, "hope still exists", and a person may constantly confirm whether the relationship is really over in a direct and indirect way.

For example, you may still keep in touch with the other party after breaking up, or frequently track the other party's social status, want to know how TA lives, or constantly think about "I won't break up if I was at the beginning." Obviously, this stage is a period of contradiction and struggle.

// Phase 3: depression, depression

When the hope of composite is completely shattered, you will start to be frustrated. Freud carefully described the state of "depression". It was a kind of "deep and painful frustration, loss of interest in the external world, comprehensive ability, and love. Life is normal. "

The intimate people have long become part of themselves, and the loss of lovers is also the loss of self to a certain extent, so it will inevitably affect all aspects of life, and a person's sense of self -worth will fluctuate.

// stage 4: reorganization, recovery

After the painful baptism of the above three stages, over time, you may be really open to a certain day. After shouting "I want to let go" again and again, it really puts down. I won't look forward to reuniting with my predecessor, I don't want to pay attention to each other's lives at all times, but start to re -operate their own lives.

If this stage goes well, you will develop new wisdom: you can remember the laughter brought by this relationship in the past, and you can also face the tears accompanied by it, you may also reflect on your past words and deeds, and and and. Actively conceive what the next relationship should be different.

Of course, some people will not be trapped in the first three stages. It is difficult for them to reorganize and recover. If you have been in pain after falling in love, you ca n’t come out. Seek the help of professionals.

It is worth noting that there are other theories differently divided into different stages of loss. You do not need to treat them as Jin Guiyu 臬 on yourself, but you can only understand that you can accept some of your reactions.

How to grow faster after breaking up

// 1. Constructive anti -.

After breaking up, it is normal if you realize a lot of difficult and unwanted ideas. For example, when you see the old objects, you think of the past of a certain period. This phenomenon that repeatedly immersed in the past is called anti -刍.

Obviously, this passive anti -种 will bring a higher level of depression. But you don't have to entangle this, you can add initiative after it happens to create a constructive anti -刍.

What kind of anti -建 is constructive? As long as you know that when you are forced to fall into the past, you can ask yourself the following questions:

1) I will think about whether I can get meaning from this experience

2) I will work hard to think about my feelings and feel these feelings

3) I will think about what I have learned from it

4) I will think about how this experience will affect my future, including my relationship with others, my view of the world (Cann et al., 2011) There will be new discoveries. Studies have shown that in "growing up after breaking up", the cognitive processing after falling in love is more important (Del Palacio-González et al., 2017). If you can find positive significance from active anti -积, you will be more likely to reduce the level of depression and develop new wisdom.

// 2. Flexible application adjustment strategy

When a negative thing happens, there are usually two types of response strategies, one is a strategy to focus on issues, and the other is a strategy to focus on emotions. The former refers to the source of the stress directly, and the latter refers to the emotional emotional (Studley, Chung, M. C., 2015).

When we can use these two strategies flexibly, we can play a good role in regulating. A simple example is that if you see a jacket that allows you to continue to think of your predecessor and have difficulty in controlling emotions, you can try to experience, express, and deal with such emotions (focusing on emotional response strategies), but if it repeatedly occurs, it repeatedly occurs Maybe you can put away this coat directly (focusing on the response strategy of the problem).

This is why after breaking up, I will always persuade everyone to disconnect with the previous disconnection. It is best to delete the opponent's mobile phone number, WeChat, etc., because this method of disconnection is in itself. Regulating emotions, taking some actions may work faster.

In general, the pain of getting out of love is a process. It requires you to accept and change. If you find that you are stuck at a certain stage, you can seek help from professional services in time.

""

Author said

Sometimes, breakup is not necessarily a bad thing. On the contrary, it can promote your attention back to yourself and reflect on the problems existing in the past relationship model. Growth will always be accompanied by pain, but as long as you survive, you will eventually usher in a day of breaking cocoons.

The laboratories and research groups of the Department of Psychology have a batch of high-quality psychological science public accounts in different directions. Custom menu in the background of the university hall can click "Classification Selection"-"Friendship Public Account". Every Saturday, one of the college halls will reprint one of them sharing with you, I wish you all good night.

This article is reproduced from the public account "Family Marriage Psychology". Family marriage psychology is a brand carefully created by Beijing Shiyunjia and Education Consulting Center. The family marriage psychology cooperates with the famous marriage and family research and treatment experts in my country, and the team of Professor Fang Xiaoyi, the Yangtze River scholar of the Ministry of Education. Professional and scientific level.

Swipe up to read references:

[1] Xiao Youqin. Research on the relationship between the relationship between the dishonesty of college students and the relationship between the love values ​​D. Chongqing: Southwest University. 2009.

[2] Yan Xiao; Jia Xiaoming. (2018). The qualitative research of the college student's mourning process. Zhongguo xin Li Wei sheng za zhi, 32 (3), 233–238.

[3] Chen Jing. (2015). Sorrow or depression -interpret Freud's "Sadness and Depression". Yi Xue Yu Zhe Xue, 36 (15), 38–41.

[4]Cann, Calhoun, L. G., Tedeschi, R. G., Triplett, K. N., Vishnevsky, T., Lindstrom, C. M. (2011). Assessing posttraumatic cognitive processes: the Event Related Rumination Inventory. Anxiety, Stress, and Coping, 24(2 ), 137–156.

[5]del Palacio-González, Clark, D. A., O'Sullivan, L. F. (2017). Cognitive processing in the aftermath of relationship dissolution: Associations with concurrent and prospective distress and posttraumatic growth: COGNITIVE PROCESSING POST-DISSOLUTION ADJUSTMENT. Stress and Health , 33 (5), 540–548.

25 (3), 366–374.

Author | 钰 Mengyu Liu Xiangyu

Source | Family Marriage Psychology

Beauty | ZENE

(This article was originally created by Jingshi Psychological University Hall. Welcome to the circle of friends. If you need to reprint, please contact the background.

Click the following keywords to view more content

Boasting group | Stay up late | mobile phone | AA system | bar essence | Learn 婊

Want to escape | ntr | Men | Sabbing | Breakup

Psychological Painting | Psychologists | MBTI | Psychological Consultation

Domestic violence | come out | quarrel | childhood | fertility

Homosexual | depression | sex education

- END -