"Kill" parents, you can survive

Hello everyone, I am edit the ice.

In recent years, a duplicate scene has appeared in my dreams: I'm with my mother, and in various extreme ways to prove how painful I am, such as holding my neck with a rope and preparing to jump from high altitude. But the mother in the dream was puzzled.

After contacting psychoanalysis, I realized that this was a dead knot in my subconscious and the root of many conflicts in my heart, that is, I have been living for my mother's narcissism. What was trying to kill in the dream was the fake me who lived for her.

01

I have known that I must be an excellent and excellent person since I was a child. It is better to be an ordinary person than to die. I used to appear in my mouth.

Where does this idea come from? Just as all psychological symptoms are the seeds buried in childhood, there are probably some reasons for recalling that when you were a kid:

I have always achieved good grades, and I have received a lot of attention and appreciation from adults for this. Being an excellent person will love me. This is the first lesson I learned in my childhood.

The other side is that the family conditions are relatively average when they were young, but the mother's brothers and sisters were very powerful, and they lived a better life early. Out of the principles of money to pay for money, the mother assumes more labor in the big family, such as taking care of the elderly. The aunts are very good to us, and the entire family is also very harmonious.

But in the eyes of a child, I always felt that my mother had too much to be aggrieved for her. And, she occasionally inadvertently revealed the pleasant and envy, also made me look at it. Only every time I mention me, her eyes are light.

So, I secretly determined in my heart: I want to be her savior, as long as I am excellent, her life will not fail so much. I treat myself as my mother's only loot, and on a fictional ring, I must let her win.

When I saw Freud (1914) mentioned the concept of ideal self in a paper, I was suddenly hit:

The formation of self -ideal, based on the ideals of our parents, their approval and opposition, and what kind of people we think we need to be loved by them, Libby will be transferred to it, and we will realize their ideals from realizing their ideals Get satisfaction, and we feel dissatisfied when we do not reach the ideal.

In some cases, our love is better than loving ourselves. We feel that it is worthless compared to ideals. If we can't recognize it, if we have to give up it, we are indeed nothing.

Yeah, if you can't be the excellent person and you can't make your mother proud, I will nothing. In other words, the only meaning of my life is to realize that ideal self.

▷ The movie "Turning Red"

02

It is a good idea to be excellent in the school days. It makes me more attentive, and adults often take it as an advantage. But as you grow up, it becomes more and more difficult to become excellent, and I find that I can't always reach my goal.

After leaving the campus, I was even more confused, except for the scores that lost the excellent standards. Entering the big company? Make a lot of money? famous? How much money can it represent excellent? How do I prove it?

I was constantly frustrated, and I was at a loss, I became more and more painful, and gradually fell into depression. At that time, I had a stable work and a smooth relationship, but I always had a tendency to suicide that could not be explained. There was still a lot of anger in the sense of weakness, but I didn't know where this anger should point to.

In a clear comparison with the harsh self -requirements, my mother has rarely made any requirements for me since she was a child. Except for some excessive anxiety, she is probably a bright parent who will write to me during adolescence and send me life at the age of 18 to send me life in life at the age of 18. The first pair of high heels will say that her biggest wish is my health and happiness -but I can't hear it at all.

When I was talking about a elder in my family because of my work troubles, I accidentally said the feeling in my heart. I really wanted to destroy everything in the past for so many years. I was tired of that myself. The elders looked at me a little surprisingly, and didn't say a word -it was too inconsistent with my consistent person.

▷ Picture source: pexels

The excellent thoughts must also be projected into my close relationship. If my boyfriend is not good in the secular sense, or it is not as good as me, I will be ashamed to let my mother know.

There was once a boyfriend that meets the excellent standard, but he has some personality defects, and that relationship later made me very painful. But my mother likes him very much. After there is a problem with our relationship, I have persuaded me. Men are like this. You see that he is more stronger than your dad and your uncle. I had no courage to leave the relationship, so after the complete end, I started to point the anger's finger at my mother.

I think she has always asked me to be good. My partner must be excellent, and I don't care about my true feelings at all. I found that it was not loved by myself because I was myself, but I was loved by the object of satisfying my parents and others. This made me very sad.

I can't continue to work hard to meet my parents' self -esteem to gain the love of my parents.

So I decided to reduce the connection with her and not allow her to ask me anything. I want to escape her control in a righteous way.

It was also from then on, and my dreams began to appear frequently at the beginning: I was with my mother, and to prove to her in various extreme ways to prove how painful I am, such as holding my neck with a rope and jumping from high altitude.

When I returned to my hometown this year, I turned to a letter to my mother when I turned to Mother's Day in high school. The two lines at the end stabbed me: Mom, you worked hard, I want to make you proud! I want to make you happy! It turns out that I have been carrying such a heavy shell these years, but for that little me, it is really a bit heavy.

▷ I wrote a letter to my mother on high school Mother's Day

03

After realizing these problems, I have talked with my mother many times. She insists on expressing her expectations for me every time. It is only good to be healthy and happy. But I always doubt the letter. Is this really the case? I don't have to be the very good and powerful child. Is it possible to be proud of my mother?

▷ My mother's WeChat chat

Mom did not just stay on language. When I changed jobs before, for some reason, I had to pay a compensation, which exceeded my ability. My mother supports my choice with action, because the new job is what I like to do. She doesn't want me to work unhappy every day.

So I started to realize that I would have always put my mother's expectations on myself, and she did not ask me. I always thought that I couldn't let go of the good idea to be unbearable to abandon my mother. In fact, I was not willing to abandon the self -narcotic self.

At this time, I happened to know a friend. He was my opposite type. From a young age, he would not have any requests for himself.

Sometimes I look down on him a bit -not enough to be motivated, and sometimes envy his state, which is close to the true auto what Winnicot said: true self -body is the fundamental experience of each of us's vitality. The spontaneous gesture comes from your body and instinct, including your desire, the original aggressiveness and creativity, and eventually reflected in every detail of life. Your joy and sorrow, your real needs and desire.

If you do n’t consider my mother, do I have to be excellent? If you don't want to become excellent, what is my true self? I started to consider these issues for the first time.

04

Children's loyalty to native families exceeds your imagination. Even at the most objective and sober moment, what we do always have a lot of connection with the influence of the native family.

It is easy to notice this connection when you encounter some significant injuries, but when your parents are actually good? They did not give you any pressure and persecution, and it was difficult for you to find the cause from it.

In this way, misunderstandings often appear. Just as I used to sacrifice the needs of true self, I want to live as my parents like it, but I forgot the biggest needs of my parents. It turned out that you live according to your true yourself, and you are healthy and happy.

What is the ideal relationship with our old family when we grow up? The concept of differentiation in the theory of native family treatment: A person with emotional mature should not only be able to approach others emotionally, but also be controlled by other people's opinions, needs and evaluations. Psychotherapists divide this phenomenon, just like a cell is separated from another cell, but still maintains a certain relationship.

This is not an easy task. You need to have in -depth awareness of yourself. You need to talk with your parents sincerely. Maybe over and over again.

But we have to work like this, because only those who have been differentiated and successful can truly do ourselves -do what we want to do, say what we want to say, and think freely and feel things.

▷ Picture source: pexels

A while ago, I had another dream. At first I started the scene that repeated many times: I was with my mother, preparing to suicide to prove how painful I was, but I couldn't get down. But later, my mother died first, and a newborn baby was kissing her, and I cried loudly in my dream.

After waking up, I suddenly understood the meaning of dreams. Perhaps the mothers who died symbolized the fake me who had been looking forward to her mother. Only she died so that I could survive. The kiss of the newborn is celebrating the birth of the true self.

I think something inside is slowly loose. I saw the existence of that and the real that the native family gradually began to differentiate. Although still a little strange, I want to try to understand her slowly and get along well with her.

Author: Bingbing

Responsible editor: KUMA

Cover map source: pexels

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