Reading | Life, the worse it is to say, the more straightforward -the practical "not dull" guide

"Silent Contract"

[Canada] Linda D. Anderson, Sony R. Banx, Michelle L. Owen

Xu Xueyan translated

Houlang | China Friendship Publishing Company Published

The boss didn't help me raise me, because he knew I was embarrassed.

I think my partner should change to a more tiring but higher salary, but I can't open it.

Friends often take advantage of me, but I don't know what to say to not hurt feelings.

The three psychological experts have more than 80 years of experience in condensing to create the concept of "silent contract". The "Silent Contract" can cover all the situation that "you don't say clearly, but you think the other party should understand". Only by crossing this layer of psychological obstacles can interpersonal relationships develop well and sustainable. From the source of the native family of the silent contract, this book has solved the silent contract between us with our lover, parents, children, friends, colleagues, and bosses one by one. A good solution.

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What is a silent contract

The Silent Contract is the rules that have never been stated in your interpersonal relationship. It comes from some ideas, expectations, and concepts that others should be clear and respect for others. The silent contract exists in various interpersonal relationships. After you continue to read this book, you may find that you have already booked several silent contracts with others. Some of these silent contracts may have been in a long time. The interpersonal relationships experienced in the early stages of the individual will have a significant impact on their subsequent behavior, personal decision -making, motivation to do things (including various conscious motivations and unconscious motivations). So in the next content of this chapter, you will understand how your childhood experience affects the role you play in the silent contract.

The silent contract may sound like this- "His mother can talk about my cooking skills, but I should not respond" or "the boss did not raise me to raise me, he knows that I will not speak to ask for salary increase", suppress or maybe "My daughter's grades are getting better and better, so I don't need to stare at her homework." These "unwillingness" ideas may continue indefinitely. At the same time, due to fear, guilt, responsibility, or concerns about conflicts, the two parties usually do not talk about these ideas sincerely. These ideas are really beneficial and can promote the relationship between the two parties; but most of the time, it will only hinder your interpersonal development.

Your interpersonal relationship may become more complicated and confusing because you never loudly picked your mind. You may feel that the other party also understands the relevant terms of the silent contract, consistent with your ideas, and should cooperate with your actions. Please think about it at this time, do you often say such a thing- "Should he know it for a long time?" "Why do I want to tell her directly to her?" But in fact, for others, others The idea of ​​you may be very different and far away.

(Source: Visual China)

After you quietly bind a silent contract with others in your heart, you may have reached an agreement on the expectations of the two parties without confirmation with others. How to achieve these expectations. Of course, sometimes, even if you have never stated the concepts, expectations and ideas in your heart, they can still be well satisfied. At this time, your silent contract will deepen your relationship with each other, so that this relationship is full of joy and further development. But more often, the expectations in your heart are not satisfied at all. Sometimes you and each other understand each other's expectations, but they are unable to satisfy them. If you continue to be silent about this and do not communicate with each other, then you may be misunderstood between you, disappointment, and the relationship roughly, because you are based on whether the other party follows this misplaced silent contract to evaluate the relationship between you, And respond to this. You usually avoid talking about the silent contract, because you are worried that once you move the problem to the table, you may lose a lot of things. In this case, you will keep silent because of worrying about the breakdown. To make matters worse, you may not even realize the existence of this silent contract, nor do you realize the existence of the concepts and expectations that have not been said in the silent contract, so you will not be completely completely not completely without exactly In the case of awareness, we agreed with others to agree with others.

So where do these ideas in your heart come from? In fact, it usually comes from the thoughts deep in your heart. For example, "Unless I encounter my dream lover, I will never be" "I am willing to sacrifice everything for my children" and "career priority." These deep thoughts are actually the silent contract you signed with yourself. They will always guide what posture you enter into a relationship and what expectations for others. They also suggest what kind of silent contract you should sign with others so that you can better fulfill your silent contract with yourself. More importantly, they planned the roadmap of life early, instructing you how to control your life, affecting your decision, the choice of work, the friendship you established, and the family you set.

who I am? What is important to me? Why is it important? If you don't know what you have on these issues, you will be restricted by your relationship with your own relationship. If you don't know the relevant ideas you have, it is even more difficult to detect the silent contract signed by others and others. If you do not recognize your own ideas, assuming that others have understood the rules of your interpersonal relationship and agree to abide by the rules you set up. When you start to question the behavior of others, he will wondering: "What kind of ghost, what are he thinking about?" In fact, you'd better ask yourself at this time: "What are you thinking about?" For example, assuming you Choose a set of apartments and prepare to rent with two friends. You start to calculate how to allocate housing to be distributed to reasonable. The bedroom you choose is the largest of the three people. Not only is it equipped with a fireplace, but you can also see the outdoor beauty, so your friends think that you should pay more rent, but you disagree. The fierce quarrel broke out, causing friendship to almost break.

Then one of the friends asked you: "The room you live is the largest, and there is a fireplace, so you have to pay a little more money. Why do you feel unfair? I think you understand that the distribution is reasonable. That is, you do n’t admit defeat, and you have to fight for or losing or losing. "Friends see the blood in one point, stabbing your nerves. He said yes, you really understand what they mean, so why do you just do not want to make concessions? Is your long -term silent contract ("No one can take advantage of me") to make you more complicated with them? If you do not admit the existence of this silent contract at this time, I am afraid that you will often encounter such a situation in the future. You may mistakenly think that you are just inconsistent with others, but if you dig a little, you will find how the silent contract you bind to affect your interaction with others.

Some psychological theories help you find out how the silent contract is displayed. Personal early experience will continue to strengthen with individual growth. For many people, parents are windows they know the world as a child, and their perception of parents will affect their views and interaction of the world. If your parents have responded to you in a loving way since childhood, constantly affirming you, recognizing you, and accepting you, then you will feel that you are valuable and you will be sure of yourself. Therefore, you will gradually develop a healthy self -awareness and actively interact with others. In addition, if you have always demanded yourself, deny yourself, and constantly alienate yourself, self -exclusion, then you may gradually form a negative self -awareness, and you dare not have expectations for others. Your inner negative cognition of yourself is usually based on the contradictions of important people around you. For example, a person may love you very much, but at the same time he always criticizes you.

This contradictory behavior will disturb your self -awareness and make it difficult for you to know yourself correctly. I don't know what expectations should be on others. Then you may gradually feel that although you are loved, you have never been truly accepted.

Some psychologists point out that if the affirmation and response of early care is not received in the process of establishing a cognition, you will develop "fake me" and get more affirmation. To some extent, in the process of socialization, children often change their behavior, in order to meet social recognition rules. But in some extreme cases, such changes will cause individuals to get rid of their true self, wearing masks throughout their lives, and living unreal life. Why do you mention these specific psychological theories when introducing the silent contract? That's because you constantly suppress your own real wishes, beliefs and expectations, and internalize the expectations of others into your own needs, which leads you to sign a silent contract with yourself. The formation of them is sometimes because you need to maintain the "fake me" image developed in the early stage. This may happen when you think your true self -image is inappropriate or without value. For example, suppose you now sign a silent contract with yourself: you must always be independent. This idea may be the opposite of the desire deep in your heart -what you really want is exactly what you can rely on people who truly love you. But if your early experience tells you that relying on others will be rejected or denied, so you choose to protect yourself by stubbornly pursuing absolute independence, so as not to be disappointed and refuse by someone you really want to rely on.

Different early experiences will lay different marks on individuals. When the two adults bring these imprints into communication, the two sides have different ways to interact and interpret the behavior of each other's behavior. These early experiences have prompted you to establish a silent contract with yourself, and then these contracts become part of the silent contract for you and others, so that what you experience in the early growth process and your acquisition of interactive experience are constantly being strengthened. And continue to affect your life.

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Author: [Canada] Linda D. Anderson, Sony R. Bangs, Michelle L. Owen

Edit: Kim Jiuchao

Editor in charge: Zhu Zilong

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