How to love better?Quarrel!

Can you change it for the other party? Isn't it yourself?

Why is it more and more patient? How to deal with it?

What should I do if the other party always refuses and deny the other party?

The other party is not good at discovering emotions and sharing feelings. How to guide TA to feel and communicate?

How to coordinate "growing yourself" and "handling intimacy"?

Native

On June 8th, Mr. Hou Qining, a simple psychological certification psychologist, brought the third session of the 525 "When I Starting Love myself" series of public welfare live broadcast- "How to Love in the close relationship", from the intimate relationship Different changes explain how to increase interaction, intimacy between partners, and how to help yourself feel and express love from the perspective of "love yourself".

When mentioning the theme of love and intimacy, how do you feel?

Is it a romantic pink bubble?

Or excited, blushing heartbeat?

Is it a sword light and sword, or is it like the "Lan Yin Fruit" in "Biography of Rugao".

If you are in a relationship of love or have a relationship before, will you give a point of intimacy in this love relationship (1-5)?

Bleak

Image source: "A Rainy Day in New York"

不管是爱情、亲情、友情，亲密是心灵之间的维系和归属感，包含对彼此的了解和连结，更重要的是一种关心别人、想与对方分享，但不担心失去自我，彼此相爱、 Accompanying relationships. As each other gets closer and more and more understands each other, there will be more and more intimacy.

01

Five close appearances of intimate

Phase 1: Love period/romantic period

When the two people just started to know and like each other, they had not yet had a deeper understanding of each other. They may have a lot of beautiful imaginations for each other, and they would also feel that they have a strong attraction. Thinking of the other party, they will blush and heartbeat, excitement and joyful excitement, happy and happy Essence

If it is defined in one sentence, there may be a typical "DE V in the eyes of a lover". It is beautiful to see the other party. For example, you may hear friends sharing "I have never met such a special person" and "he is the right person", but in fact they may only know one week.

Image source: "Before Sunrise"

At this time, the intimacy is actually the intimacy of imagination, providing us with great motivation, making us willing to break through the comfort zone and make many changes for this "perfect object" in our minds. For example, people who have not exercised and do not work out may be willing to exercise together and try many new things after knowing a new object, which will give themselves a feeling and energy that improves.

This stage is the romantic period of our psychology, also called love period, which will allow us to beautify and idealize the object, most of which will last for 3-6 months.

Phase 2: running -in period

As you slowly get closer and understand each other, the "intimacy of imagination" starts to be true, and the real beginning of these intimacy will make the pink bubbles of love and beautiful imagination start to shatter.

At this time, the partner would suddenly realize: the person in front of me and the "White Horse Prince" and "ideal lover" I met before, and even felt that he began to appear a lot of traits I hated. For example, one person is reluctant to spend money out for dinner. The other person feels that it is important to go out for dinner. When you are young, you feel that it is different living habits of each other.

In response to the traits of these new discoveries, intimacy may go through the following changes:

From the beginning, it will communicate gently and friendly -eat two meals twice a month?

If it is not resolved, it will slowly become complaints -why is it so stingy?

的 Quarrel -when I first met, it was obviously not like this!

跟 Control -then I want to go out with other opposite sex friends, they will invite!

Native

It is hoped to transform each other into the ideal and perfect partner in their minds.

Image source: "Before Sunrise"

"If you love me, you must love me." I do n’t know if you have heard such complaints, but why is it so difficult to accept “what”?

In fact, most people will be afraid of intimateness in the subconscious, because intimacy represents that they must open themselves and share themselves to each other. Me? Will you leave me? "Or is it worried that" would you want to change me? "So" I might disappear and lose myself. "

In the process of intimate development, we feel that the risk we need to bear is to be evaluated, controlled, and abandoned. Therefore, in order to avoid this situation, these fear will be projected on the other party, trying to dominate partners, avoid changes, and prove their power and importance.

Picture source: "The Reader"

This stage is commonly known as the running -in period. At this time, the intimate task is to let go of your fear of these risks, and let go of the feeling of controlling and transforming each other, trying to face each other with each other. If it is not done, this state of proveting and competing for power may last for several years, accompanied by quarrels, cold war, threats to each other, and so on.

Phase 3: Integration period

If the previous running -in period is spent, the relationship between each other will slowly start to stabilize (not the Cold War period). At this stage, everyone will find that the differences mentioned earlier and the characteristics of each other's hate still exist, but these traits have gradually become so annoying that they will no longer try to control each other and understand each other in a new way. For example, the example mentioned earlier, one party may not be able to understand why they spend money to eat big meals in the past. At this stage, they can communicate well with each other. What is the feeling of eating a lot of money. In the past, there was no way to communicate well and hidden mines.

The relationship between partners is often avoiding mistakes, communication, and quarrels to maintain surface peace, but this will become farther and farther away from establishing intimacy. The intimate task during the integrated period is that the two parties are no longer afraid of the other party's unhappy and avoiding mistakes. Instead, both parties accept each other's true appearance, share the communication feelings, organize and combine each other's differences, and become intimacy.

Picture source: "One Day"

Stage 4: commitment period

Next, if you and the object can enter a very comfortable and comfortable state, and even become like an old husband and wife, you may have a similar feeling: both of you know each other and be very comfortable, but you are not sure if you want to do if you want to do it. Keep going.

There may be a lot of contexts in this "going down", such as the planning of college couples after graduation. Do you want to "go south and north", "cohabitation", "marriage", "giving birth", etc. The goals, make a common commitment, investment time and planning on each other. This is commonly known as promise period.

The key to this stage is that the object of commitment is actually itself. For example, if you get married are your important needs, you know that you are willing and clear that it is the goal that it wants to invest. If the other party is unwilling to make such a commitment, whether you want to stay in this relationship, you need to be more needed more than you need to stay in this relationship. Think more.

This process is definitely ready and willing. Therefore, the key to whether intimacy can be developed at this stage is whether you can recognize your needs and ability, and share the commitment that you are willing to invest with each other with each other, plan and put it into action.

Picture source: "The Notebook"

Phase 5: Common creation period

When they successfully committed their promises and put into action together, the two sides seemed to enter a sincere cooperative relationship, and each task would create more good meaning in life. And in this cooperative relationship, each other can really cooperate independently and to accept and share each other.

The shortcomings seen in the previous stages can now be viewed from a more flexible and positive perspective, such as letting people who make people responsible for money, let people who love controlled the schedule of scheduling the itinerary, and so on.

Both sides can show the most sincere self, and all good and bad can accept and face together. At this stage, it is the joint creation period. This is also the most ideal stage in intimate development. It is mentioned earlier that "sharing with the other party but not worried about losing self and love with each other."

Picture source: "About Time"

Looking back at these five development stages, the relationship starts from understanding each other -romance; overcoming control of anxiety and gradually cultivating trust -the competition; after the relationship is stable, you can establish the processing method when the two parties face the differences -integration; to the end of the promotion; Under the promise -commitment; jointly create each other's future.

These stages are not a line, but may appear. For example, a couple who passed the common creation period may enter a small cycle after getting married or giving birth to a child.

It is hoped that we can transform from simply only "suitable" or "unsuitable" to know the appearance of each stage, and the difficulties that need to be overcome at this moment.

02

4 methods to recharge for emotional accounts

Increasing intimacy can also make the relationship more stable. We can try to imagine intimacy as an emotional account. The goal is to make each other's intimate emotional balances more and more; the actions that can build relationships, closer, or repair relationships are deposits in the relationship; letting each other alienate, loss of losing each other The link is to withdraw money.

1. Deposit Action 1: It is time for each other

Whether it's going to have a big meal, watching movies, or chatting and sharing what happened all day before going to bed. The point is not really long at this time, and this is a state that is exclusive to each other. It also forms a fixed habit that gives each other the opportunity to communicate and generate a sense of trust and peace of mind.

Image source: "Love Actually"

2. Deposit Action II: Interactive interaction to increase emotional response

The emotional response is to create a feeling of being with him when he responds to his partner, and he feels like he sees him. Everyone has the need to see in intimate relationships, so we will use many ways to send interactive invitations. The most common is conversation. But sometimes we don't pay much attention to how we respond to the invitation of the other party.

For example, if my wife said to my husband today, "I am particularly tired today", this is an invitation to a conversation. If Mr. said, "Isn't it like this? How can you be called a job?" Then he rejected the invitation to the interaction. But if he said, "What's the matter? Say it to me", then he accepted this invitation. The frequency of the two people was connected together. It is naturally interested in what the other party said, and naturally responds to what the other party said. Their conversation, even if they are chatting, are warm.

In the interaction, if the other party refused and missed the invitation of interaction, the party that made the invitation often felt lost and frustrated, and they would gradually be difficult to invite interaction, and they would use anger, frustration, or attacked by attacking. Let the other half pay attention to yourself. Another result may be slowly alienated. When you encounter many things, you will not tell the other half, "Anyway, you can't get a response."

Image source: "Before Sunrise"

In daily life, every emotional response will increase the emotional connection between partners, and also save money in the partner's account. Instead, every time you miss or refuse to respond, you are losing money.

If the simple demonstration of emotional response is actually inviting the other party to say more with interest and curiosity. For example, the previous "work is particularly tired today", maybe you can reply "What's the matter? Say more", or "Oh, why is it so hard, what happened?" You are interested in the invitation of the other party.

3. deposit action three: express recognition, appreciation, thanks to the other party

Asian culture is not used to affirming and praising people with words, we will not even affirm ourselves like this, and this is actually a pity, because this will promote good positive interaction and let the other party know where you like him.

How to express thanks or affirmation? The sentence contains "appreciation/praise/love+specific facts", for example, "I like you when I feel bad, listen to me complaining, comfort me", or "Thank you for picking up with me to get off work, Even so late makes me feel at ease, this is where I like you ".

Picture source: "About Time"

4. deposit operation four: quarrel well

Most people are afraid of quarrels, because they usually have strong emotional tension and worry about destroying their feelings, but in fact, the quarrel is on the road near intimate. Face many differences that emerge.

The purpose of quarrel is to find a way to get along with each other comfortably. If the quarrel is good, it is for the deposit of the emotional account, you will know each other better, and then interact in a more comfortable way; but if you quarrel with each other It will be a withdrawal of withdrawal, you ca n’t communicate well, and you will not know the other party, and then you will compromise and self -compressed and wronged in order to avoid conflict.

So how to quarrel?

First, make judgments first:

这 Do I want to discuss this now?

讨 Do I want to discuss this now?

Is the current state suitable for discussion?

Second, focus on the current situation and avoid turning the old account

Third, avoid emotional words (for example, you are very selfish and annoying); focus on clear behavior and needs. For example, "If you need to go out alone with the opposite sex, I hope you can call or send me a message to me instead of me, not to send me a message instead of me Let me hear from other people, so I will be unhappy. "

Picture source: "Twelve Nights"

Finally, confirm whether the other party wants to express what you hear. "I guess, you feel/meaning, do I understand, right?" Be careful not to distort or speculate the other party as the facts, "So what does you mean?" After asking double confirm. At this time, the speech speed is slow and the sound is soft. The point is to confirm the other party's feelings and needs.

03

love yourself,

Only to love each other

As mentioned earlier, it is very understandable that it is instinctively afraid of intimacy. You may subconsciously believe that the intimacy of two people will bring threats and harm, especially if you are not treated well during the growth process, you will be treated well and love well. experience of.

Sometimes because of some painful experience, you will not let yourself be close to yourself, do not get close to the inner needs, because you cannot recognize yourself, and you will be armed in the inner.

Therefore, such an armed and fearful self -injured self enters a period of intimacy, and in the process of the two people get closer, they feel a similar threat again, and they will react with various defense methods, so the sense of intimacy is difficult to be difficult Established.

Picture source: "The Notebook"

So how can I love myself more, and I have the strength to love each other?

Internal dialogue: ask your needs, feel more

When you consider how to balance "growing yourself" and "deal with intimacy", it is very good to indicate that you are doing self -awareness. In fact, these two things can be carried out simultaneously, but the premise is that you are in a close relationship that allows you to grow up.

If you think this relationship does not meet your expectations or needs for yourself, and you don't think it can help you achieve more self -growth, then you may see a lot of incompatible places, then you may ask yourself ——What balance do you want, do you want to put your attention more on yourself? If you notice the current time and strength, you need to pay attention to your own needs. You are not ready to balance your close relationship with your attention at the same time, and tell the other party to choose the difficulty and let the other party choose.

When you have confidence and energy to start a new relationship, it is also possible to do this balance. The most important thing is your own inner needs and feelings.

Picture source: "About Time"

You can start with many small situations. When one thing happens, you can ask yourself: "What is my current feeling? What makes me have these emotions?" Record the emotions every day, use text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text. Colors, numbers, etc., practice to pay attention to your emotions, understand the cause of fluctuations, and observe your reaction.

Gradually you will find the cause of your emotional response and the needs reflected. When you slowly find out and start to pay attention to your internal needs, you can settle yourself. You don't need to expect your partner to satisfy yourself, and then respond to intimacy in a very roundabout or aggressive way.

Reduce self -criticism and continue self -exploration

A good intimate relationship, in addition to trusting and security between partners, will also have a lot of appreciation for each other, and they will continue to want to understand each other. They will not feel boring or disgusted because they are very close. Similarly, if you can be curious about yourself, continue to pay attention to yourself, and explore yourself, it is not easy to evaluate yourself from the perspective of self -criticism.

Image source: "Isn'T Romantic"

If you are a person who is easy to criticize, you can help yourself imagine how you can comfort the other person if this happens to your good friend and say to yourself in comforting the other party. When paying attention to yourself, focus on your own feelings rather than the result of things. From a comparative neutral, non -criticism perspective to perceive your status, you will be more clear about the part that you can control.

Accept your imperfection

When you talk about love yourself, you may have an imagination, that is, you must have a complete positive evaluation, there will be no negative emotions, no place to hate yourself. This may be a myth, very unreal, like some strips, not allowed to run out of bad emotions.

Allow yourself to have an imperfect place and understand your emotions. When you are more flexible, you will not look at yourself with a very harsh vision. Others or partners in your life can also be easier to stay with you. If you do n’t let yourself go, the person who really loves you will be very hard, or you may attract to watching you suffering, but the indifferent person stays with you. So give yourself some space, you can love yourself, and you have to spare no time to love others.

Picture source: "love, rosie"

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We want to give you enough love, so that you have more courage and ability, complete and embrace your complete circle.

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